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Thread: Breaking up because of timing

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    Elyse's Avatar
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    #1

    Breaking up because of timing

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    So my ex DB and I were together for almost a year. And we just recently broke up. He is a marine and in special forces and has been going through a lot just with work and he is about to start a bunch of training and then a 6 month work up (in field training) in August and then is being sent on a ship for about 9-12 months. Basically he decided that the best way to ensure we both are okay this next year and a half/two years is if we break up. I have come to understand where he is coming from and why he made his decision. I have seen his schedule for what they have planned for him and the last couple weekends we have spent together are pretty much his last full weekends off he will have for awhile. So before people say "if he loved you enough he would fight through it," easier said then done haha.

    However, we both don't really know how to handle this situation. It's not like we broke up because we don't want to be together/ see ourselves marrying each other someday. It's just right now he needs to focus on himself and his demanding job, and I need to move forward in my life and finish school and start my career. We both want to email and call while he is away, because we really do love each other and don't want to lose the other person. But until he leaves in August and starts the work up and stuff we are trying to figure out how to still see each other and yet not make it harder on both of us when he leaves. We want to spend time together, but also not stay super attached, because then when he does leave it will be like a fresh wound all over again. Does anyone have advice on what they would do in this situation? What do people feel about staying friends with an ex, when you broke up just because they are going to be gone a lot for a long period of time?
  2. we were all rooting for you
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    #2
    Quote Originally Posted by Elyse View Post
    So my ex DB and I were together for almost a year. And we just recently broke up. He is a marine and in special forces and has been going through a lot just with work and he is about to start a bunch of training and then a 6 month work up (in field training) in August and then is being sent on a ship for about 9-12 months. Basically he decided that the best way to ensure we both are okay this next year and a half/two years is if we break up. I have come to understand where he is coming from and why he made his decision. I have seen his schedule for what they have planned for him and the last couple weekends we have spent together are pretty much his last full weekends off he will have for awhile. So before people say "if he loved you enough he would fight through it," easier said then done haha.

    However, we both don't really know how to handle this situation. It's not like we broke up because we don't want to be together/ see ourselves marrying each other someday. It's just right now he needs to focus on himself and his demanding job, and I need to move forward in my life and finish school and start my career. We both want to email and call while he is away, because we really do love each other and don't want to lose the other person. But until he leaves in August and starts the work up and stuff we are trying to figure out how to still see each other and yet not make it harder on both of us when he leaves. We want to spend time together, but also not stay super attached, because then when he does leave it will be like a fresh wound all over again. Does anyone have advice on what they would do in this situation? What do people feel about staying friends with an ex, when you broke up just because they are going to be gone a lot for a long period of time?
    First bold: if you plan on spending the rest of your lives together, what's ~2 years apart as a long distance relationship?
    Second bold: do you mean move on from him/your relationship, or move on with the intent on getting back together when he returns from his deployment?

    I really do understand the distance and being apart for extended periods of time. My DB and I have never been able to spend more than 10 consecutive days together since we've been dating. We're in two different places; me with grad school and him with trainings and getting ready for his next deployment soon. But we stay together because we know that a future is coming, and we'll be together. That his enlistment is temporary. I won't lie, it's incredibly difficult some days, and we're working through some shit now, but if we know we want to be together, we wouldn't just quit for 2 years/his deployments and trainings.

    I am not trying to come across hurtful of judgemental. If breaking up is the best decision for both of you, personally I think you should completely cut ties with eachother. I see spending time together after you've broken up (not the saying goodbye when he deploys) like pouring salt on the wound.
  3. be silly. be honest. be kind.
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    #3
    I'm coming from the same place as KM. I can understand breaking up because of life stuff, but you guys are still planning and working on maintaining a relationship. So why can't you be dating instead of just friends during this "break up" time? Are you guys planning on seeing/dating other people? If not, then I don't get it. Relationships (all kinds!) exist regardless of people's schedules and physical proximity to one another. It would make sense if you wanted to be friends or no longer have a close relationship, but from your OP it sounds like you guys will be holding out for each other and basically have the same relationship but without seeing each other often. 1+1 does not equal 2.

    No judgment, honestly. Do you! Just because it makes zero sense to me doesn't mean its still not the right life choice for you and your DB.

    "The purpose of life is not to simply be happy. It is to be useful, to be honorable, to be compassionate, to have it make some difference that you have lived and lived well."
    - Ralph Waldo Emerson

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    #4
    Quote Originally Posted by Jenni Penni View Post
    I'm coming from the same place as KM. I can understand breaking up because of life stuff, but you guys are still planning and working on maintaining a relationship. So why can't you be dating instead of just friends during this "break up" time? Are you guys planning on seeing/dating other people? If not, then I don't get it. Relationships (all kinds!) exist regardless of people's schedules and physical proximity to one another. It would make sense if you wanted to be friends or no longer have a close relationship, but from your OP it sounds like you guys will be holding out for each other and basically have the same relationship but without seeing each other often. 1+1 does not equal 2.

    No judgment, honestly. Do you! Just because it makes zero sense to me doesn't mean its still not the right life choice for you and your DB.
    I agree with KM and ALL of this^^^



    I guess I'm one of those who feels "if you love each other, then you'll make it work." I know sometimes it can feel like you're the only one in your situation but you're not. Plenty of people on this board have SOs who work shitty hours, , are stationed OCONUS, or who are dealing with separation caused by deployment or DETs, MEUs, geobaching, etc. But if you love someone, you put up with it and you work through it . It can be stressful, difficult, and at times, extremely lonely; but the struggle is worth it IMO.

    But if you want to stay broken up, then I think it'd be best to distance yourself. There's really no way you can't get attached to someone you still see yourself marrying in the future. Doing everything a normal couple does without the title and commitment is a bad idea. The feelings are still going to be there and you're still going to hurt really bad when he leaves.




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    #5
    You didn't break up because of timing. Your broke up because, in the face of difficulties, you didn't mean enough to him to deal with those difficulties. You meant enough to him to keep around and put in effort when it was easy, there wasn't much effort involved, and he got all the benefits without much sacrifice. As soon as that changed and it was more sacrifice and more work, you weren't worth it to him.

    That shows you where he places you. I know it hurts. But he's shown you that he's not in this for better of for worse. Only for better.

    So what if he is busy on weekends? He still could have kept a commitment to you. So I don't see how "if he loved you he'd fight through it" isn't realistic or is laughable. If he wants you, he will commit to you. If he doesn't commit to you, he doesn't want you.

    I'd move on. If, in 2.5 years, when he comes back, you are both single and his priorities have changed, cool. But I don't see how you can be planning a lifetime future with a guy who won't plan a 2 year future with you.

    Also, does he plan on staying in the military? If so, what happens next time he gets busy or deployed? Do you break up again? He's a fair weather boyfriend.

    As for staying friends, I think it almost never works, or at least not right away. The feelings are too raw. I think you need to move on, and if he's still in your life, that is a zillion times more difficult. I don't necessarily mean you need to defriend him on FB and delete him from your contacts, but maintaining an active friendship with an Ex immedately after a break up really prevents healing and moving to the mindset of being single and maybe finding someone else.
    Science always wins over bullshit. ~Dick Rutkowski
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    #6
    I have to jump on board with all the others here ... If you all want to be together for the rest of your lives then you should be able to get through the tough times apart as a couple.
  7. No longer seeing where it goes, I'm in the driver's seat.
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    #7
    This is part of the reason my ex and I split. He didn't want to work through a hard time in the relationship and I realized that I deserve someone who will. The rough patches make a relationship it's when you show you're both willing to do what it takes to make it work.

    Sorry for the major run on sentences, I'm half asleep.
  8. Quis custodiet ipsos custodes?
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    #8
    Quote Originally Posted by Elyse View Post
    Basically he decided that the best way to ensure we both are okay this next year and a half/two years is if we break up. I have come to understand where he is coming from and why he made his decision. I have seen his schedule for what they have planned for him and the last couple weekends we have spent together are pretty much his last full weekends off he will have for awhile. So before people say "if he loved you enough he would fight through it," easier said then done haha.

    We both want to email and call while he is away, because we really do love each other and don't want to lose the other person. But until he leaves in August and starts the work up and stuff we are trying to figure out how to still see each other and yet not make it harder on both of us when he leaves. We want to spend time together, but also not stay super attached, because then when he does leave it will be like a fresh wound all over again.
    I am just trying to wrap my head around what is going on here.

    He wants to break up because he's going to be busy, and breaking up will make sure you guys are "okay" as opposed to ... staying together and somehow not being ok, I guess.

    So ya'll are going to break up, but you still love each other and still plan on calling/emailing while he's away, and spending time together up until he leaves.

    I'm just kind of confused about what exactly is changing? Because it sounds like you guys are still going to do all the things a couple does but you won't be a couple? What is going to change going from "in a relationship" to "now we broke up" and how exactly is that supposed to make you guys okay, where you wouldn't be okay if you were in a relationship?

    I really don't mean to come off mean or like I'm giving you the third degree I am just having a very hard time understanding his plan.
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    #9
    Honestly, To me it sounds like he wanted to break up and used the "it's not you its me" excuse.
  10. Pour a little salt, we were never here
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    #10
    I don't think what you are wanting to happen is really possible. It sounds like you are avoiding the pain of the breakup by continueing to act as a couple until he leaves. I think the choice you have is to experience the break up now, and not string it along, or string it along and experience the pain then.

    It sounds to me like he likes you enough to keep you around for fun talks, and/or sex when he is in town but that he doesn't want to be held to anything. The other thing I can't quite wrap my head around is, if I had this hope that a guy and me would pick up our lives two years down the road, I would have a hard time dating without guilt and I would be sad that he as probably seeing other people as well. For me, I'd rather just be committed or be done with it.

    I hope you can find a way to come to terms with the situation, I'm sure it's not easy
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