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Thread: Pre-deployment break up I never saw coming

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    #1

    Pre-deployment break up I never saw coming

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    I've been seriously dating an army officer for almost 4 months. He was set to deploy for 2 months but is doing paperwork to make it for 6-12 months to advance his career. I don't fault him for that and I fully support him on that. What I don't understand is he knew I was willing, ready and able to support him during his deployment and keep our relationship going through any type of communication possible.

    This past Friday night he came over and just out of the blue told me his deployment would be longer and that he wasn't going to ask me to wait for him. That he really cared for me and that this is no what he had expected to happen in the middle of our dating. That he did not want to do the long distance relationship, that he'd been there, done that before and he wouldn't do it again. He then started to throw out every excuse why we wouldn't work out and tried to pull things to upset me but it didn't work. I tried to talk with him about this decision but it was no use. He had made his mind up and it wasn't going to change.

    We are not young kids, he's in his 40's and me in my 30's and both have been married before. I am truly heartbroken about this because I was falling in love with him and willing to make the hard choices to be together when it came to getting married, transferring and petitioning to take my son with me. I truly did not see this break up coming. Just that same morning he was calling me sweetie and pretty girl and then boom, we were over. He said if it was only going to be the 2 months it would be different but it's too long of a deployment for him to do the long distance relationship. I told him I respected his decision even though I don't agree with it.

    I told him he could call, text, email, whatever if he ever needed to hear a friendly voice, that I would send him anything he may need if he wanted but that he would have to initiate the contact from here on out because I wouldn't. I'm not the ex stalker or desperate type. I think the most confusing part of everything was when he left me Friday, he held me tightly, gave me a kiss and then told me he would see me later. Not sure what the heck that means. We left on very good terms.

    Is this normal for them to just cut out people right before deployment who truly care for them and want to support them? This is and was my first military relationship. Whatever help or advice you can provide I would appreciate. I plan on living my life the way it was before him and not sitting around waiting for him but I'm just trying to understand this all to find some closure.
    Last edited by CardsFan79; 01-26-2015 at 03:56 AM.
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    #2
    Quote Originally Posted by CardsFan79 View Post
    I've been seriously dating an army officer for almost 4 months. He was set to deploy for 2 months but is doing paperwork to make it for 6-12 months to advance his career. I don't fault him for that and I fully support him on that. What I don't understand is he knew I was willing, ready and able to support him during his deployment and keep our relationship going through any type of communication possible. This past Friday night he came over and just out of the blue told me his deployment would be longer and that he wasn't going to ask me to wait for him. That he really cared for me and that this is no what he had expected to happen in the middle of our dating. That he did not want to do the long distance relationship, that he'd been there, done that before and he wouldn't do it again.
    He then started to throw out every excuse why we wouldn't work out and tried to pull things to upset me but it didn't work. I tried to talk with him about this decision but it was no use. He had made his mind up and it wasn't going to change. We are not young kids, he's in his 40's and me in my 30's and both have been married before. I am truly heartbroken about this because I was falling in love with him and willing to make the hard choices to be together when it came to getting married, transferring and petitioning to take my son with me. I truly did not see this break up coming. Just that same morning he was calling me sweetie and pretty girl and then boom, we were over.
    He said if it was only going to be the 2 months it would be different but it's too long of a deployment for him to do the long distance relationship. I told him I respected his decision even though I don't agree with it. I told him he could call, text, email, whatever if he ever needed to hear a friendly voice, that I would send him anything he may need if he wanted but that he would have to initiate the contact from here on out because I wouldn't. I'm not the ex stalker or desperate type. I think the most confusing part of everything was when he left me Friday, he held me tightly, gave me a kiss and then told me he would see me later. Not sure what the heck that means. We left on very good terms. Is this normal for them to just cut out people right before deployment who truly care for them and want to support them? This is and was my first military relationship. Whatever help or advice you can provide I would appreciate. I plan on living my life the way it was before him and not sitting around waiting for him but I'm just trying to understand this all to find some closure.
    there. Welcome to the forum.

    I broke up your post into paragraphs so I could read it a little easier. Everybody handles deployment differently. The only advice I can give you is to keep your head up and one foot in front of the other. He may reach out to you and tell you that he made a mistake... or nothing may ever materialize. Best wishes to you
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    Thank you for your support. He's been in for 13 years and I think he's just set in how he does things. I don't know if he'll think it was a mistake or not. I wish he would but I'm not holding my breath. I'm a mature woman and handled it with grace. I didn't fault him for his career choice but did tell him I didn't agree with the decision but would respect it. Time will tell I guess. It took me a long time to open my heart to someone after my divorce and this relationship felt truly different than anything I had ever had before. Now I feel like I can't breathe at times when I think of not ever seeing him again and I feel like a part of me is missing. Going back to focusing on myself and seeing what God has in store. I will pray for him daily and if it's God's will that we be together then great, if not, then there's something better. What's the old saying, "If you love somebody, let them go, for if they return, they were always yours. If they don't, they never were.” Guess I need to live by that right now.
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    Last edited by Aviatrix; 02-01-2015 at 04:31 PM.
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    #5
    I know it was only 4 months and short in the scheme of things. I just truly thought it was going somewhere. I was falling in love with him and wanted to be there to support him. I won't say that I completely understand the stresses of being in a combat zone but I'm not naive to think having someone back in the states, that you were trying to build a relationship with, doesn't cause stress. I get that. It just literally went from I miss you, can't wait to see you that same day to it's over that night. Just never saw it coming. He was and is someone I have felt like I've known my entire life but really haven't. If that makes any sense.

    As much as it hurts and I miss him, I know it's probably what was best for him. I am not a selfish woman by any means. That's why I made sure he knew I was hurt by his decision but would respect it because he has to do what's best for him. Would I love for him to reach out to me? Sure. But do I really think it's going to happen? No. Looking back on the other night it was like a switch that went off inside him and I could see he was moving into a deployment mentality. Time will only tell if I ever hear from him again.

    Thank you for listening and for the advice. Really do appreciate it.

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