Military Significant Others and Spouse Support - MilitarySOS.com
Results 1 to 6 of 6

Thread: I love him but I think it's time to breakup

  1. Fresh Newbie
    eleanorshelby's Avatar
    eleanorshelby is offline
    Fresh Newbie
    Join Date
    Jul 2014
    Posts
    1
    #1

    I love him but I think it's time to breakup

    Advertisements
    So I've never posted on an online forum but I'm at a loss as to where to turn for advice. People that have not been in the same situation are unable to understand what it's like to be a military girlfriend.

    My boyfriend and I have been together for a year and a half. He left for basic training on May 5. The beginning of our relationship was pretty rocky. He was always very hot and cold with me and it took forever for him to finally decided he wanted to be in the relationship. Once he committed, which was about 6 months in, he was wonderful. He's always been so good to me and treats me so well. Even so, doubts have always remained as to whether we would be able to make it long term. I've been scared that he would return to his previous ways of using drugs. From what I can gather he was involved in those things during very dark periods of his life and has sworn he would never return to it. I've also questioned whether our plans for our future could align enough. I'm planning on finishing my nursing degree and then applying for a masters program. School is all I know how to do. Eventually I will be making upwards of $100K a year. He has never really been into school and has struggled to find jobs because of it. He finally got tired of just struggling so much and decided to enlist. It's something he has always wanted to do and I was supportive because I want him to be proud of himself. Eventually he has said he wants to try to become a police officer but it could be a long shot because of past medical issues and also run ins with the law. I am afraid that he won't be able to figure something out career wise and will resent me for being successful.

    When he left for BCT I wanted so much to be committed to making this work but in the back of my mind there was always a voice that said it wouldn't last. The first month and a half were pretty good. I wrote him a ton of letters and he responded as often as he could. We talked about our life together and potential future plans. He's been wanting to get married for the last 6 months but I've always said I needed more time. During a particularly rough week of missing him I wrote that maybe I was considering getting married sooner rather than later. I regret saying that now. This is all he can talk about. He seems so excited about the prospect of our marriage and I am having even bigger doubts. Just this last week we found out he would be stationed in Alaska. I live in the southwest and on a student budget would rarely get to see him. He says we should just get married now and I can finish school up there.

    A little back story about school. I am 3 classes short of finishing my prerequisites for the BSN program. As some of you may know, nursing programs are ridiculously competitive. I have a good shot at getting in here. If we decided to get married now I would need to take at least a year off of work to save money for the wedding, the move, deal with some other legal issues and then be able to apply to school in alaska. He probably will only be there for 1.5 -2 years so if I wait a year to start school I will end up having to stay in Alaska by myself in order to finish because once you get into a nursing program there is no way you leave it. If you're in you're in. I feel like if I get married I will miss out on finishing school anytime soon and if I stay in school i will lose him.

    I feel like I have no choice but to end the relationship. I don't want to give up school or put it on hold for 2 or 3 years. I had doubts about our relationship before and now with the prospect of being so far away from him for so long or entering a marriage I am not ready for just for the sake of being together. The problem is that he is not a very emotionally strong person. If we broke up I would be heart broken but I could get over it. I'll still be the same person going to school and work and trying to reach my goals. I feel so much responsibility for him. If he does well it will be because of me and if he fails it will also be because of me. He has said that I am his motivation and the reason he does what he does, that I am his whole life. I'm afraid that if I end things it will ruin his life and he won't care what becomes of him.

    I feel like I'm losing my mind with this situation. I thought I had until graduation, which is in 5 weeks to make up my mind but he is planning on calling me next week during family day when they change from BCT to AIT. Idk how to hide my feelings. I don't want to derail his training and put him in a bad state of mind. Even writing to him has become difficult. There is just so much I'm not saying that it leaves little to actually put down on paper.

    Has anyone gone through something like this?
  2. Senior Member
    Sara87's Avatar
    Sara87 is offline
    Senior Member
    Join Date
    Nov 2010
    Posts
    1,513
    #2
    First off,

    Secondly, if you are having doubts of being with him, whatever you do, don't get married. I made the mistake of settling and marrying someone that I had doubts about from time to time and it ended up in a lot of emotional turmoil and a divorce. I personally would just continue with the plans of staying put and following your dreams of becoming a nurse. If you feel as though you don't want to be in the relationship, tell him. Hiding your thoughts and feelings won't be fair to you or him. Do what is best for you.
  3. MilitarySOS Jewel
    Anthiea's Avatar
    Anthiea is offline
    MilitarySOS Jewel
    Join Date
    Dec 2010
    Location
    Germany
    Posts
    5,774
    #3
    Quote Originally Posted by Sara87 View Post
    First off,

    Secondly, if you are having doubts of being with him, whatever you do, don't get married. I made the mistake of settling and marrying someone that I had doubts about from time to time and it ended up in a lot of emotional turmoil and a divorce. I personally would just continue with the plans of staying put and following your dreams of becoming a nurse. If you feel as though you don't want to be in the relationship, tell him. Hiding your thoughts and feelings won't be fair to you or him. Do what is best for you.

    ~Art Page~
    Germy = wifey
  4. Senior Member
    villanelle's Avatar
    villanelle is offline
    Senior Member
    Join Date
    Aug 2009
    Posts
    14,790
    #4
    Are you no longer wanting to be with him or seeing a potential future with him, or is it just that things feel a bit like they've gotten away from you are are going to fast?

    If it's the latter, it seems like there is some middle ground to explore, potentially, before calling it quits. Be honest with him and tell him that you know you brought it up, but that you've realized you aren't in a place to commit to marriage right now, and you need to back off of that a bit. See what he says and see if you can work something out that suits you both. Maybe you can't, but if you still want to be in a scaled back version of this relationship, it's worth a try.

    But if you've decided you are done, that's okay, too. Loving someone isn't enough, no matter what common witticisms say. Maybe your path and his have diverged, and there's nothing wrong with that.

    And he is a grown man. He is his own person. His successes and failures are his own. You aren't responsible for that, and your own happiness is not worth sacrificing in order to enable him if he's too dependent on you.
    Science always wins over bullshit. ~Dick Rutkowski
  5. Senior Member
    Andie's Avatar
    Andie is offline
    Senior Member
    Join Date
    Aug 2010
    Location
    Arizona
    Posts
    12,747
    #5
    I'd probably be honest with him and tell him completing your BSN is important to you and basically explain what you explained to us about why getting married now isn't going to actually be feasible. I'm sure he'll understand how important this is to you.

    Also, I'm curious what your planning on doing in the nursing field?
  6. Pour a little salt, we were never here
    [his] lobster's Avatar
    [his] lobster is offline
    Pour a little salt, we were never here
    Join Date
    Jun 2012
    Posts
    8,737

    #6
    Since you know what you want to do and are motivated and energetic about completing it, I would absolutely stay behind and finish school before moving with him. Get your BSN, if you all still want to move together then you can look at graduate school options wherever he is at the time. Transferring is a pain in the ass, and even more so with medical programs.

    As for marriage, you sound really unsure. If you were sure, you could get married but still stay behind for school. But since you are unsure, I'd be honest with him that you want to finish school first and see where that ends up for both of you.

    Just for full disclosure: I didn't experience any of this in my life, so my advice may be off base. I had already quit school, didn't know what I wanted to do and was floundering about when I met DH so I moved to be with him rapidly and put my education on hold. That worked out for me because during that time I figured out what my educational path should be, and I'm now pursuing that. That was all what worked for me, but I can tell you, it's sucks to be 26 in undergrad. Not the worst thing ever, and I'm glad I'm actually motivated and happy with my major, but I wish I could have known what I wanted to major in when I was 18. Life isn't always the linear path we want, but for YOU it sounds like you should absolutely stay in school right now because it seems like you would be really unhappy if marriage/moving somehow disrupted your educational and career goals.

Posting Permissions

  • You may not post new threads
  • You may not post replies
  • You may not post attachments
  • You may not edit your posts
  •