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Thread: ExDH and EX-inlaws

  1. Old Newbie
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    #1

    ExDH and EX-inlaws

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    I have been separated for a yr and divorced for 8 months. I am one of the few that was ok with getting divorced and it was a mutual agreement between me and my exDH. Our daughter just recently had her birthday and I had a party for her with her friends (many of them I am close with their parents) and my family. My exDH and his parents were upset with me that I did not invite them. I told my exDH that I had no problem with him having a party with her but for her I felt it would be to confusing and that she would think we were getting back together. When we initially separated we had a joint birthday party with my family and his and a lot of the kids that came were people I worked with and knew them and their kids. It confused her and she thought we were going to be a family again. I do make sure that I let him and his parents know what is going on at her school and soccer schedule. Am I wrong for not involving them in everything I do for her? I feel that when you divorce yes you do still have to work as a team bc you have a child BUT that does not mean you have to involve them in what YOU do with the child every second. Is it wrong of me to say that to them? Please no negative comments.
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    #2
    It would have been nice to tell them in advance and ask their thoughts and let them know yours. To just blind-side them with it seems mean, especially if you are on cordial terms with the ex.
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    #3
    Quote Originally Posted by leah101 View Post
    I have been separated for a yr and divorced for 8 months. I am one of the few that was ok with getting divorced and it was a mutual agreement between me and my exDH. Our daughter just recently had her birthday and I had a party for her with her friends (many of them I am close with their parents) and my family. My exDH and his parents were upset with me that I did not invite them. I told my exDH that I had no problem with him having a party with her but for her I felt it would be to confusing and that she would think we were getting back together. When we initially separated we had a joint birthday party with my family and his and a lot of the kids that came were people I worked with and knew them and their kids. It confused her and she thought we were going to be a family again. I do make sure that I let him and his parents know what is going on at her school and soccer schedule. Am I wrong for not involving them in everything I do for her? I feel that when you divorce yes you do still have to work as a team bc you have a child BUT that does not mean you have to involve them in what YOU do with the child every second. Is it wrong of me to say that to them? Please no negative comments.
    I think you're probably right on this. In standard custody agreements, the parents alternate years that each parent has the child on their birthday, but the opposite parent gets 2 hours alone with the child on that day, too. I wouldn't expect both families to be together.
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    #4
    I don't necessarily think you're wrong, but I do understand them feeling left out at the same time. Maybe she could have a separate celebration with her father and his family?
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    #5
    Yeah actually, I think it's wrong to not invite them to her party. They are also her family. Depending on her age, I think you can have a conversation with her and tell her that you're both going to be in her life but that you're not going to be together. I only wish my parents could have done that when I was a kid. Two of everything really got tedious. It took me leaving the country at the age of 21 for them finally get together for a party. I think it was the first time they had been around each other in like 18 years.

    Just because you divorced doesn't mean he's no longer her dad and they are no longer her grandparents. I think you should invite them. If they decline, that's on them. At least you tried.


    ETA: Now that I think of it, there was one birthday party at Mr.Gatties (a pizza place) that both my families showed up to. I think I was turning 9. It was a blast. I think something happened between them that made them not do that anymore (but their divorce was messy with a capital M). I wish they had kept it up.


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    #6
    I really hope what I say does not come across as negative. I have no children, have never been divorced but I do think inviting your ex and his parents would have been the 'right' thing to do. Its her birthday, something that she should celebrate with all her family. He is her father and they are her grandparents. IMO they have every right to be a part of those moments in her life. If you and your ex speak and agree otherwise, that's one thing, but it seems like this was a decision you made on your own. To me, a birthday party is very different from a day out at the park or something.

    I do understand the concern with her thinking you guys were getting back together, but excluding that part of her family from important events in her life imo is not the right way of dealing with that.
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    #7
    Quote Originally Posted by Dr.VinoVet View Post
    It would have been nice to tell them in advance and ask their thoughts and let them know yours. To just blind-side them with it seems mean, especially if you are on cordial terms with the ex.
    I am sorry I left that out I did talk to him and his stepmother when she called and told her a month before that I was doing it and that I felt for her sake that it should be separate and that they were more than welcome to come down and take her out and have their own celebration or I would meet them half way since they live only 2 hrs away where as her father lives in a different state than his parents and myself
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    #8
    I understand what y'all are saying and by no means did I do this behind their back. I did talk to her father her father has the thought that we will get back together even though we are divorced. I have made it clear we are not but when he gets her he tells her that mommy and daddy will work things out and we will be a family again. I have tried talking to him about this but he does not listen. I am not by no means trying to alienate her from him or his family. He lives in another state from me and his parents his parents are 2hrs away from me and never come down for anything of hers that I invite them to as far as school events or soccer games. He knew he could come down and see her whenever he wants but he doesn't. He calls once every month maybe at the most once every 2 months. He will get her for his holiday and thats it. He didn't even call her on her actual birthday. I am not saying he is a bad father he was the same way when we were married he didn't much like being around people. The time we did have a joint bday party for her when we separated he asked if he could stay at my house bc he couldn't find a place to stay, didn't have the money for a motel, and it was hard for him to say good bye to her. I said yes. When he stayed with me he kept going into my bedroom and acting like the house was still his and that we were going to be a family again and his family excepted me to let them stay there when they came down. My parents are from FL I had them staying in my spare bedroom and ,my exDH got upset with me bc I didn't let them stay at my house….. his parents live 2 hrs away from me. The only reason I let him stay was bc I wanted her dad at her party AND I PAID FOR EVERYTHING. I have made sure that him and his family have been in her life and they haven't done anything. I'm not saying I'm totally in the right, but I am tired of trying to have them in her life when they don't want to be especially now that we are divorced. I will continue to tell them about her things at school and her games, but other than that should I really do more?
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    #9
    Growing up, my parents were on good terms. Typically, we had joint birthdays (my brother and I), my mom would pop in my dad's parents house to visit for a few when she dropped us off on Christmas Eve, my dad would come in for awhile at Easter or Thanksgiving...they sat together at sporting events for us. I loved it. I never had to choose one parent over the other (not saying that's what is happening in the least in your situation!). As we got older, both parents/both sides of my family had one big graduation party with ALL of my family from both sides.

    It was awesome. But you need to do what YOU are comfortable with. My parents got along extremely well.
    Put on your big girl panties and deal with it like a boss.

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    #10
    I don't think you have to invite them to every event that you do in your daughter's honor. I do think that communicating what and when you are doing something would be the adult, cordial thing to do and would let them know that you are telling them so they can plan their own events for her.

    What I mean:

    Quick email: Hey EXH, I've planned little Mary-Sue's birthday party for the 6th, which is the Saturday before her birthday. It's going to be a party at a local indoor pool with six of her friends and then a BBQ later that evening at my house with some family and friends. I just wanted to let you know our plans so that you knew what was going on here when you made your plans to celebrate her birthday with her. Let me know if we need to switch any visitation or anything around, birthdays are special and we can work out the details with whatever you've planned. The only thing would be she has an eye doctor's appointment on Friday the 12th right after school and I'd like to not have to reschedule that if at all possible, since it's hard to get appointments where she doesn't have to miss school. She's looking forward to having two celebrations this year! Talk to you soon, Your EXW.

    The above sets the expectation. You've let them know your plans but also made it clear that you're celebrating with her and that if he wants to celebrate with her, HE needs to plan it. And it can really work for anything - all you need to do is let them know that you've made your plans to celebrate XXXX event with her and are willing to work the schedule with them so they can celebrate XXXX event with her however they choose and plan to do so.

    You have a child together so yes, your lives are going to circle around each other and you need to remain cordial and polite, but you aren't his wife any longer and he doesn't get the spouse benefit of being at your event that you've planned and paid for and get to celebrate the event as the parent.
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