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Thread: Well, I guess it's over... :(

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    Well, I guess it's over... :(

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    Hello everyone! I am new here and just needing some support and advice. My DB broke up with me last Sunday.

    First, I would like to give a little background info about each of us to give a better understanding about our past relationships and apologize for this being so long!

    DB = 37 years old. Divorced 5 years ago due to his ex-wife having an affair while he was deployed. They have two boys together, which live in another state with their mom and her fiance (same man she had an affair with). DB hasn't been in a relationship since his divorce, only a couple of dinner dates and hasn't been intimate with anyone since his divorce. He moved to my state a month before we met.

    ME = 38 years old. Divorced 1 year ago due to my ex-husband having affairs while we were trying to have a baby (infertility treatments) No children for me. We worked for the same company and he is now engaged to one of his affair partners, who also worked for the same company. I worked there for a year after our separation with both of them (don't ask me how) and was laid off this past Spring, which was a blessing in disguise!!! I have dated quite a bit since my divorce, but nothing too serious. I was on a dating website and getting ready to get off of it, when I received a message from DB, who I will now refer to as "A". By the way, this is my first time dating a man in the military (Army).

    A and I exchanged a few messages before we exchanged numbers and then our whirlwind romance began...
    We dated for the past month and a half and had an amazing time together, with so many more things we wanted to do and see together. I do feel like he was coming on very strong as far as his feelings and the "long-term" thinking, which I can get into more of later. We were intimate very early and everything just felt right about it. He told me a couple weeks in that he felt like he was falling in love with me.

    Obviously, from having a profile on a dating site, we both knew certain things about each other, such as "Yes, definitely!" to wanting children, which we both had said. After talking more and learning about each other, I find out that he is going to be deployed after the first of the year and that he had a vasectomy while he was married, because his ex didn't want anymore children. He knew that I desired to a family of my own someday and mentioned that he could have a vasectomy reversal. I was pleasantly surprised that he would even consider this so early on, but I was definitely open to it as well.

    There are many things that I really liked about A and the way he made me feel:
    The way he looked at me with a warm smile, the way he held my face when he would kiss me, genuine compliments, his confidence in me going back to school/starting a business/career path, his intelligence, respect, loved that I could "rock a pair of heels" (as he called it), telling me that I am an amazing woman, our love of wine, good conversations, attending church together, envisioning our future together, common values, sweet text messages, long phone conversations, that I would be an amazing wife and mother, loved my cooking, living so close from each other (he is literally up the street), love of travel, etc.

    Yes, there are things that I disliked too, but I liked "A" as a whole person... all of his good and bad.

    We booked a ski-trip together for Thanksgiving weekend (his idea). He told me if I purchased my ticket, he would take care of everything else while we were there. It was going to be a fun, romantic weekend and we were both looking forward to relaxing in the lodge and/or a nice hot tub after skiing all day!

    He would occasionally talk about his upcoming deployment and I let him know that even though it scared me, I was enjoying every moment that I had with him here. He assured me that distance does strengthen a relationship, how we were currently building the foundation and that we would rock-n-roll in life together and how life is amazing when you're with the right person!!! He told me that we could Skype and he would be sending me flowers every month. At one point, he did warn me that he emotionally detaches before a deployment, so he just wanted me to be aware.

    We had been talking about starting a business together (me being the CEO and handling the business while he is deployed). A short time before or after, I noticed that he started getting a little hot and cold with me. In fact, at one point he even said, "Maybe you shouldn't date me anymore, maybe we should just be business partners." Yes, that stung a little, but I kinda laughed it off as a joke. There was also a comment he made about marriage scaring him more than ski-diving. He also started acting strange and unsure if he really did want anymore children, so I brought up that I was open to adoption if he/me/we couldn't have children of our own. I was cooking dinner and he was in my kitchen talking to me and said that he knew how much I wanted children and he wasn't sure and leaning more towards No, so he could understand if that was a deal breaker for me and said that it should be. He was really starting to make me uncomfortable with all of this wishy-washy talk. I didn't say much the rest of the evening and we spoke on the phone a couple days later. He called me and said the following after I asked him why he was acting so strange lately:

    "I have so many things that I want to apologize to you for. I broke my rule: Friends before Sex, You're a great woman/phenomenal. I don't mean to do any harm and I sincerely mean that. I do care a lot about you. I am scared of leaving and going through certain things. I feel like I don't even know how to love anymore, even my own kids. I just have a lot on my mind. I am excited about my upcoming trip to see my kids and taking the ski-trip with you. I love spending time with you. It's fun and I enjoy it a lot! I put my heart and soul into my previous marriage and got abused. I lived alone for 5 years. I lost my kids and my dog. I have a lot of feelings for you and it's all new territory for me... then I am like holy crap, I'm getting ready to leave!!! Regarding adoption, I never thought about it before. You're an amazing woman, a really good woman. I get scared when I start getting close. I do have deep feelings for you and the more and more time I spend with you. As I develop stronger feelings for you, I also think about deployment and then I will leave. It's a mechanism to cope. I don't get close to anything much anymore. I felt strong feelings for you and then I freaked out. I think about being away from you. I am scared of dating and then things don't work out when I am gone. Dating such a short period of time and putting too many expectations on you. My fear: I never want to have what happened to me ever happen again (speaking of his ex cheating on him). I want a serious relationship." I then asked him what he was wanting exactly... casual relationship, committed relationship, etc., because I wanted a committed relationship. He asked me if he had to make a decision that night and I told him no. We then proceeded to make plans for the weekend and had a great time.

    Things started to feel somewhat normal again the next couple of weeks and then I could feel him pulling back again, so I asked him what was going on and he told me that he didn't want to talk about it, broke his weekend plans with me, said he wasn't doing anything, wanted to be alone, that everything was okay, he was tired and was going to go to bed. I didn't hear from him all weekend and then texted him Sunday late afternoon to say: Hope you had a nice weekend and were able to have some time for yourself to sort through whatever you needed. He responded back and said: Hope you had a good weekend. Would like to talk to you about our ski trip. I have some concerns about the trip that I wanted to discuss. He then called me and I could tell that he was making up a bunch of excuses about the trip, so I told him that I would just cancel my flight. I couldn't get a refund, so he sent me a check in the mail for the cost of my ticket. After the ski trip talk was out of the way and cancelled (not sure if he is still going or not), I could tell that there was something else that was wrong, so I asked and that's when he said,
    "I've been thinking... I don't want to adopt kids. I don't want to do anymore harm or hurt you. I care about you. I just don't want to continue dating anymore. I think I am better alone. Alone seems to work better for me. I don't want to lead you on. I just want to focus on my kids, veteran's stuff and that's it. You're a good woman. You need someone that can be there for you all the time and I'm not that man." He asked me if I was ok and I said, "I wish I would've known sooner. I feel misled and used. I deserve a stand-up man, someone that is forthright and who is comfortable in sharing and communicating with me. We've all been hurt before, but I'm not going to carry and let that fear affect my future relationships. And, I never said that I was 100% adopting children. It was something that I brought up because I am open to it." I asked him if there was anyone else that he cared about and he said no and that he planned on being alone until he deployed. We wished each other the best and ended the phone conversation. I was in shock and devastated!!!!

    Four days later, he sends me text messages about starting this business together again and me being the CEO. I couldn't believe that he didn't even consider that was the last thing in the world that I would want to talk about!!! I waited a few hours and sent the following text:
    ~The reason our relationship ended was due to your unwillingness to take it further and choosing to be "alone in life, because it seems to work better for you." With that being said, this business/partnership coming up again is confusing me. You had been sharing future goals of us owning a condo in Colorado through the business, with talks and dreams about future ski trips/vacation, but yet you just cancelled our trip there together? There are many inconsistencies with your words and actions. As much as I miss the "friendship" part of our relationship, it would be naive of me to pretend that my feelings and emotions wouldn't resurface in a professional relationship or friendship at this time. Maybe in the future. I care about you, but I am looking for something that you obviously can't or aren't willing to give me. I will continue to support the troops and veterans. I pray that you are safe while deployed.

    I sent that message this past Friday, he flew up to spend the weekend with his boys and I haven't heard a word since.
    I have had an awful week.... isolating myself, crying, questioning everything and just want to know WHY and WHAT HAPPENED???
    Last edited by starfish75; 11-11-2013 at 08:52 PM.
  2. Quis custodiet ipsos custodes?
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    #2


    It sounds like he doesn't know what he wants so he probably isn't going to be able to give you satisfactory answers to why and what happened. The good news is that you don't need those answers. You can move on even if he's confused and scared and unable to articulate what he's doing ... there is a very good chance he doesn't even know, he sounds very conflicted.

    I also don't think it's really bad that he hasn't replied. You both need space to heal and recover and your last message made it seem like you are hurting too much to be talking him and having a friendship with him (which I honestly agree, it sounds like you need some time apart before you can be friends). He is showing you the courtesy of giving you that space and not contacting you, that is actually pretty big of him and I'm kind of surprise considering how he acted before, but at least he is showing that respect now.

    I'm so sorry you're hurting. It's going to suck for a while, but you can get through this. We are all here for you.
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    #3
    Quote Originally Posted by Tojai View Post


    It sounds like he doesn't know what he wants so he probably isn't going to be able to give you satisfactory answers to why and what happened. The good news is that you don't need those answers. You can move on even if he's confused and scared and unable to articulate what he's doing ... there is a very good chance he doesn't even know, he sounds very conflicted.

    I also don't think it's really bad that he hasn't replied. You both need space to heal and recover and your last message made it seem like you are hurting too much to be talking him and having a friendship with him (which I honestly agree, it sounds like you need some time apart before you can be friends). He is showing you the courtesy of giving you that space and not contacting you, that is actually pretty big of him and I'm kind of surprise considering how he acted before, but at least he is showing that respect now.

    I'm so sorry you're hurting. It's going to suck for a while, but you can get through this. We are all here for you.
    Very well put.

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    Thank you, Tojai !!! As much as I am hurting, it just sucks, because he is the exact person that I want to have comfort me. I miss him so much... I miss our friendship and talking to him. I agree that we need some time apart, which is also killing me, because he doesn't have much time left before deploying. I agree that he seems very confused.

    I can understand that he is scared that history could repeat itself, but I would never cheat on someone that I am committed to. I experienced that pain before in my last marriage too. He also mentioned that he knows that I want kids, I'm 38, he doesn't want to be an old dad and has already committed to two deployments. He wouldn't want to be overseas and having a baby... he said it would kill him to not be there for the birth of his child. Maybe I am just not meant to have children... who knows!
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    I thin focusing on the "why" is often a path to destruction and despair. Love is not science and there are no formulas. It isn't logical, and therefore there often is no why. It's so difficult to accept that, but it's the only truth there is when it comes to these situations. Feelings just happen, and sometimes they don't happen like we'd anticipated. He clearly has begun feeling that his relationship with you isn't right. That's the only why you will ever really get.

    I also think that when someone breaks up with a person they care about, they of course don't want to hurt that person. And often that leads them to try to offer answers where non exist. I wonder if he isn't focusing on the children thing because it is something concrete to offer to you, rather than just, "I'm just not feeling it any more". I wouldn't get to bogged down in that, even though he states it as a reason, because while it could be a reason, it could also be something he offered in a mis-guided effort at kindness and at trying to give you a reason and some closure.
    Science always wins over bullshit. ~Dick Rutkowski
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    hugs!
  7. Quis custodiet ipsos custodes?
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    Quote Originally Posted by starfish75 View Post
    Thank you, Tojai !!! As much as I am hurting, it just sucks, because he is the exact person that I want to have comfort me. I miss him so much... I miss our friendship and talking to him. I agree that we need some time apart, which is also killing me, because he doesn't have much time left before deploying. I agree that he seems very confused.

    I can understand that he is scared that history could repeat itself, but I would never cheat on someone that I am committed to. I experienced that pain before in my last marriage too. He also mentioned that he knows that I want kids, I'm 38, he doesn't want to be an old dad and has already committed to two deployments. He wouldn't want to be overseas and having a baby... he said it would kill him to not be there for the birth of his child. Maybe I am just not meant to have children... who knows!
    I think that's the worst part about breaking up, is that your support system gets turned upside down and it can leave you feeling scared and alone. I'm glad you posted here and I do hope you have a really good network of friends/family to help you.
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    I'm so sorry you're hurting.
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    Quote Originally Posted by Tojai View Post


    It sounds like he doesn't know what he wants so he probably isn't going to be able to give you satisfactory answers to why and what happened. The good news is that you don't need those answers. You can move on even if he's confused and scared and unable to articulate what he's doing ... there is a very good chance he doesn't even know, he sounds very conflicted.

    I also don't think it's really bad that he hasn't replied. You both need space to heal and recover and your last message made it seem like you are hurting too much to be talking him and having a friendship with him (which I honestly agree, it sounds like you need some time apart before you can be friends). He is showing you the courtesy of giving you that space and not contacting you, that is actually pretty big of him and I'm kind of surprise considering how he acted before, but at least he is showing that respect now.

    I'm so sorry you're hurting. It's going to suck for a while, but you can get through this. We are all here for you.
    I agree that my last text probably came across that I was hurting and wanted to be alone. It just bothered me that he was so "business like/professional" as if nothing happened and I would still be interested in starting a business with him. I was interested in that as a couple, but once he decided that he wanted to be "alone in life", I found it hard to understand how he went right back to wanting to discuss a business partnership. He obviously is very conflicted about many things. I am trying my best to focus on myself. I took my dogs for a nice long run this morning and cleaning my house.

    I am hurt because he is the one that came on so strong regarding our future, etc. I was the one that was more reserved and doing a lot of observing. I was scared of getting my heart broken too and also him leaving for deployment, but he was always the one telling me that he was afraid I would break HIS heart. I realize now that I cared for him more than I originally thought.
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    Quote Originally Posted by Tojai View Post
    I think that's the worst part about breaking up, is that your support system gets turned upside down and it can leave you feeling scared and alone. I'm glad you posted here and I do hope you have a really good network of friends/family to help you.
    I do have amazing family and friends, but I just don't want to bother them with all of this....
    They have told me that I deserve better, someone who is going to be around, wants the same things that I do out of life and that he seemed very confused/messed-up in the head. They have also said that I need to focus on myself (I'm trying my best) and just move on (easier said than done). After my divorce and dating (getting my heart broke time and time again), I am just about over dating. These men playing with my heart are making me unemotionally available for a relationship and sometimes I feel like I would just be better off alone. It sucks, because when I give, I give my whole heart and then I am devastated.
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