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Thread: It's been a while...Updates*

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    #1

    It's been a while...Updates*

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    I havenít been on MSOS since ex-DB and Iíve missed it and Iím now dating a new guy who is Army SF so I feel like this is my excuse to get back online. I know I shouldnít dwell, but all the support I received from what happened with ex-DB really was appreciated and helped so much and I want to thank each person that commented and offered advice and kind words. I went through a really depressed stage and that was ugly and I donít want to rehash because Iíve pulled myself out of that since then. Iíve changed my actions, but I still hurt, itís weird because I would think I would feel somewhat better now, but I donít.

    So an update on disappearing ex-DBÖhe eventually did drunk text (go figure) mid-June before graduating from his MOS school after WO school and I ignored, and then actually did call (sober) right after my birthday and 4th of July (he had been done with his schools about a week). He texted me and asked if he could call me and I said yes since it was the middle of the day and I knew he wasnít drunk. So in that first call he starts talking to me like nothing has happened. Very chatty and telling me all thatís going on asking me what Iíve been up to, and Iím so surprised by the whole thing and just donít say much and let him do the talking. Eventually he says that heís gonna get in the shower, and so I finally ask (this is about the most I contributed the whole conversation) why did you call me?

    He says ďoh wow I can keep the whole conversation going for over 20 minutes without talking about the elephant in the roomĒ (Iím not amused). He then goes into an apology like you would expect. Says he is sorry and that he just couldnít deal with anything outside of WO school because he was so stressed and that he shut everything and everyone outside of school out. He said he thought I probably would have understood if he would have told me what was going on and that he should have just been honest. He said he didnít expect me to forgive him or for us to continue on and that there is no excuse for what he did. He said he let one week go by and then week after week and that he felt so much pressure to talk to me (he said he put it on himself not that I had done that) and that he couldnít deal with it. At the end he pauses for me to talk and I have nothingÖno words.

    I felt like I couldnít force the words out even if I tried, I didnít cry, but no words would come. He kept urging me to speak and to let him have it (he wanted me to cuss him out). I said to him that the reason I wasnít saying anything was because I had nothing to say. He seemed disappointed that I wouldnít cuss him out and even told me to get drunk and call him back. Eventually I said I think this call is over and he was said well you have my number you know how to get ahold of me contact me anytime.

    He texts me the next day to wish me luck at my new job that I was starting tomorrow. Then the day after that sends a long text about how wonderful and exciting it is that I have a new job and then adds well all I really wanted to do is say hello. I did respond to the messages, but they were so brief and did not encourage any kind of response. Another week or so goes by and I get an email (I know like why an email) from him and heís asking me if Iím ever going to talk to him again and that he is trying through email, but will go through twitter next if that doesnít work. I responded and said I donít know what youíre talking about because Iíve answered you when you contacted me.

    Another few weeks go by and he starts messaging me things like how are you doing?  and the like. Of course I eventually canít resist and I start to talking to him and tell him I miss him and start talking again and he says heís misses me and wants to talk. So we talk for a couple days, but I realize quickly what a bad idea this is and I text him a long message (that he never received and only did I realize this later) where I lay out my feelings and let him know what I need from him. Because he never responded to the text and doesnít address the text where I lay out my feelings and show him what he needs to give me I ignored him for one day and he kept blowing up my phone asking where am I, what am I doing, why canít I answer, am I ignoring him? So then we have a big, long conversation about usÖ

    Our talk came down to each of these points- I still love him and want us to be together, but I do not want to be friends and him and have him just pop in and out when he feels like it, and that I deserve the best and will not accept less. He says- I want to talk to you, I miss you, letís see where this goes, I canít offer you anything right now because of the long distance and what kind of relationship can we really have. He said the distance has always been the only issue and it hasnít changed that we have not been in the same place long enough together. He said that if we were in the same city we would be together and we wouldnít even be having this discussion since this is our only issue.

    I understand his point, however I do not agree. We only were together about 6 weeks and we havenít seen each other in 7 months and we both just started new jobs almost at the exact same time so there is no taking time off allowed. I realize thatís not an easy situation, but I explained to him that my feelings were too strong and that it would hurt me if he started seeing someone else and that I didnít want to deal with the drama of not knowing when Iím gonna talk to him, if Iím ever going to see him, are we ever going to be together?

    He said he understood my point, but he still tried to persuade me to talk to him and just see what happens. He said what I suspected all alongÖhe thought what was the point with us because we met when he was leaving and would never really get a chance to be together and that distance never works.

    Eventually the call ended, and I tell you the last thing I wanted to do was hang up the phone. August 13th is the last time I talked to ex-DB. I canít stand the thought that Iíll never see him again, never talk to him again, and that he is out of my life.
    On some level, I think maybe I made the right choice in protecting myself, but maybe am I just too proud, just too insecure and controlling to not be able to just talk to him and see what happens?

    Queue the new guyÖso heís very attentive towards me showers me with compliments and makes a lot of time to talk to me every day (even though he is in Vietnam now the man is still contacting me every day). He's been asking if I'm seeing anyone else or if I'm planning to since he will be gone for a month. I know he wants to get serious, and I should be so happy. Sure the attention is nice, but I canít help it because heís not ex-DB.

    Iím probably sick, and I keep telling myself eventually I will get over him, but I also feel like I will never love anyone like I loved him. I donít even want to anymore, I donít want to get married or have a family. I just want to focus on building my career and pour myself into the things I love like fitness and nutrition and traveling. I feel like I donít want love anymore like I donít want to be with anyone seriously or any more than just casual dating.

    Iím not being fair to the Army guy because all I want and think about is my ex-DB. I canít help it though, even though I have a nice time with this new guy I wish it was ex-DB I was with. He doesnít know anything about him, and I donít talk to ex-DB at all anymore so nothing like that, but ex-DB still has my heart.

    This is a ridiculously long post, and so I wouldnít be surprised if people that view this click out when they see the length. Writing it all out is like therapy for me though and it helps me organize my thoughts and feel what I need to feel. Iím still searching for the light at the end of the tunnel and to eventually stop fading away.
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    #2
    I think you should spent some time focusing on yourself to be quite honest. You are not over your ex clearly and terribly unfair to the new guy who has feelings for you.
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    #3
    Quote Originally Posted by Reagan View Post
    I think you should spent some time focusing on yourself to be quite honest. You are not over your ex clearly and terribly unfair to the new guy who has feelings for you.
    yup.


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    #4
    Quote Originally Posted by Reagan View Post
    I think you should spent some time focusing on yourself to be quite honest. You are not over your ex clearly and terribly unfair to the new guy who has feelings for you.
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    #5
    Quote Originally Posted by Reagan View Post
    I think you should spent some time focusing on yourself to be quite honest. You are not over your ex clearly and terribly unfair to the new guy who has feelings for you.
    It sounds like you already know that though. Good luck with everything. Getting over a break up is always hard.
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    #6
    I agree- take time for yourself to figure out what you need.

    I wouldn't string the "army guy" along since there are still clearly feelings and unresolved issues with the ex-bf.
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    #7
    Quote Originally Posted by Reagan View Post
    I think you should spent some time focusing on yourself to be quite honest. You are not over your ex clearly and terribly unfair to the new guy who has feelings for you.
    Exactly.

    And not for anything, but IIRC you had issues with the guy at WO school not contacting you (and granted, he didn't really handle that well) so I seriously wonder how you're going to do with the SF community who may very well not be able to contact you seemingly out of nowhere for what may feel like great lengths of time.

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    #8
    It sounds like you aren't over your ex. If you are having problems not being in constant contact with whoever you are dating, then dating someone in SF or a member of any other special operations entity is not for you. I also wouldn't be advertising the your DB is SF. It isn't fair to string your current boyfriend along. It seems like you just need to take some time for yourself. Good luck!


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    #9
    I agree with the other PP's.. You need to take some time for yourself. Clearly, you are not over your past relationship with your DB. The new guy deserves a girl who is 100% into him, and you're not. My advice is that you should focus on yourself - create a life that has nothing to do with your DB. Work, spend time with friends, take up a hobby. Move on when he is no longer a focal point in your life.
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    Quote Originally Posted by GingerGirl15 View Post
    It sounds like you already know that though. Good luck with everything. Getting over a break up is always hard.
    Quote Originally Posted by PirateAndrea View Post
    I agree- take time for yourself to figure out what you need.

    I wouldn't string the "army guy" along since there are still clearly feelings and unresolved issues with the ex-bf.
    Quote Originally Posted by sweetvanity View Post
    Exactly.

    And not for anything, but IIRC you had issues with the guy at WO school not contacting you (and granted, he didn't really handle that well) so I seriously wonder how you're going to do with the SF community who may very well not be able to contact you seemingly out of nowhere for what may feel like great lengths of time.
    Quote Originally Posted by LiveFast View Post
    It sounds like you aren't over your ex. If you are having problems not being in constant contact with whoever you are dating, then dating someone in SF or a member of any other special operations entity is not for you. I also wouldn't be advertising the your DB is SF. It isn't fair to string your current boyfriend along. It seems like you just need to take some time for yourself. Good luck!
    Quote Originally Posted by Jen♥ View Post
    I agree with the other PP's.. You need to take some time for yourself. Clearly, you are not over your past relationship with your DB. The new guy deserves a girl who is 100% into him, and you're not. My advice is that you should focus on yourself - create a life that has nothing to do with your DB. Work, spend time with friends, take up a hobby. Move on when he is no longer a focal point in your life.
    I realize I didn't describe in enough detail about Army guy (my intention is not to be disrepectful by calling him that, I'm just trying to keep details private and I didn't realize SF was something to be kept secret because he has never made it seem that way).

    So Army guy is not my boyfriend, but I feel like he is pushing for that. I ended communication with my ex before Army guy came into the picture, and what I was trying to say is that I'm not over my ex and don't feel ready for a relationship with anyone at all.

    I have been focusing on me and really working towards my career and personal fitness, which I'm very passionate about. Army guy has been very intently pursuing me and while I receive his intentions with pleasure, I still feel hesitation.

    I genuinely do like Army guy, otherwise I would not wate his time or mine, but I just want to go slow and be more friends first (probably what my ex wanted from me now I realize). We have only been on 3 dates and I feel like he is moving too fast and I'm not ready (again probably exactly what my ex thought about me).

    I've been trying to move on since my ex, and I'm just having a really hard time. I was the one that told my ex that I didn't want anymore contact since we aren't going to really be together, I have thrown away all the gifts, letters, momentos, etc. because I really do want to be over him.

    I'm obviously not over my ex and I recognize that. I'm trying, and I would think with this new guy that it would help, but in some ways it kind of makes it worse.

    I don't talk to friends or family about my ex at all, and I use this forum to vent my feelings so I know I sound super whiny/pathetic.

    I never had an issue with long distance relationships, I wanted one with my ex. I would have had no problem with lack of communication with my ex if he had not completely just disappeared on me and actually said I'm too stressed, can't be in a relationship right now. Yes that would have hurt, but so much less agony then what he put me through had he just been honest.

    Army guy has been great with communication, what I wish my ex had been like so I don't see that as a potential problem because I know if he can't talk for a while he will give me his best estimate of a timeline and checkpoints (he initiated this all on his own). It's more than I expect really, and I'm very independent and don't need a man to hang on me all the time or need a spotlight of attention.

    I like Army guy, but I know if ex would actually want to make it work (that will never happen) I would go for it in a heartbeat. So that's why I say I am unfair because even though I do not act on them at all, my feelings are still with my ex.
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