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Thread: Divorce and I don't want it!

  1. Fresh Newbie
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    #1

    Sad Divorce and I don't want it!

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    Hello, I'm new here, my name is Nicole. Iím in a bit of a pickle. Iím an Army wife of 5 years. I went through my first deployment(his 3rd) a little over a year ago. Is it possible for not just the one that is deployed to come back changed, but for the spouse that stayed home to change? Thatís what I feel happened to me. It was hard being alone and making a life for myself with out my husband and constantly worried for his safety, and I lost my father to cancer during that time. The first couple months he was back were amazing and he integrated well back into our lives. He loves to drink and itís always been an issue in our marriage, so I let him go out with his buddies whenever he wanted as long as he didnít come home drunk. We canít be around each other if he is drinking because he gets verbally abusive. I thought if maybe I let him drink with his friends I wouldnít have to deal with his drinking at home. But he intentionally came home drunk and accused me of several things, including infidelity. I started feeling distant, especially when we changed duty stations. I felt I needed to find myself before things got worse, so we separated and I moved out. The feeling that I was away from him this time and he was actually safe in the states made me see things differently and helped me find out what it was I wanted. During the 4 months I was gone we stayed in contact regularly and still acted as a married couple with support and respect for each other, although in different states, I fell back in love with him. I came back after I felt like a new person but he was very resilient and unsure of everything. It took him 3 months for him to finally say he had moved on before I even came back and no longer wanted to be married to me anymore, he told me it was best that I moved on and there was nothing I could do. I never dreamed he would "move on." Has ANYONE been through this before? I fear he got a taste of doing what he wants and drinking when he wants during the separation, so he no longer wants this. Is there ANYTHING I can do? He doesnít want to file until I can support myself and he can still afford the house. I AM SO LOST! I don't want this to happen and talking to him will just push him further away.
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    #2
    Quote Originally Posted by ndenna View Post
    Hello, I'm new here, my name is Nicole. I’m in a bit of a pickle. I’m an Army wife of 5 years. I went through my first deployment(his 3rd) a little over a year ago. Is it possible for not just the one that is deployed to come back changed, but for the spouse that stayed home to change? That’s what I feel happened to me. It was hard being alone and making a life for myself with out my husband and constantly worried for his safety, and I lost my father to cancer during that time. The first couple months he was back were amazing and he integrated well back into our lives. He loves to drink and it’s always been an issue in our marriage, so I let him go out with his buddies whenever he wanted as long as he didn’t come home drunk. We can’t be around each other if he is drinking because he gets verbally abusive. I thought if maybe I let him drink with his friends I wouldn’t have to deal with his drinking at home. But he intentionally came home drunk and accused me of several things, including infidelity. I started feeling distant, especially when we changed duty stations. I felt I needed to find myself before things got worse, so we separated and I moved out. The feeling that I was away from him this time and he was actually safe in the states made me see things differently and helped me find out what it was I wanted. During the 4 months I was gone we stayed in contact regularly and still acted as a married couple with support and respect for each other, although in different states, I fell back in love with him. I came back after I felt like a new person but he was very resilient and unsure of everything. It took him 3 months for him to finally say he had moved on before I even came back and no longer wanted to be married to me anymore, he told me it was best that I moved on and there was nothing I could do. I never dreamed he would "move on." Has ANYONE been through this before? I fear he got a taste of doing what he wants and drinking when he wants during the separation, so he no longer wants this. Is there ANYTHING I can do? He doesn’t want to file until I can support myself and he can still afford the house. I AM SO LOST! I don't want this to happen and talking to him will just push him further away.
    Of course either/both of the partners can change during a deployment (or any other time for that matter).
    You can't make him love you or want to be married to you. What you can do is focus on getting yourself to the best, healthiest place you can be and allow him to choose whether or not to do the same for himself.
    Have the two of you (or either/both of you individually) had any counseling?
  3. "If you don't like my attitude, quit talking to me"
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    #3
    My first thought is that he should go into counseling.

    Its possible that he hasn't (or didn't) integrate as well as you think. He could have PTSD or other issues related to deployment, marriage, life, whatever.

    His drinking can be a sign that he's wallowing and trying to drink his problems away. Often times spouses blame the other spouse when things aren't going how they want. Has nothing to do with anything, just its easier to blame someone else than blame yourself.

    I would encourage him to go to counseling before you guys even talk about divorce.

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    Ultimately, you can't control him or his choices. You can suggest he go to counseling, try to bargain with him, etc., but you can't change his mind for him. So while you do that, start finding a self-supporting job, ASAP. He may be saying right now that he'll wait to file, but it sounds like he's anxious to move on to a single life, so that consideration may not end up lasting, and you don't want to find yourself single and unable to support yourself. So make finding a job (or two, if necessary) an absolute top priority. If you do end up working things out, then you can always quit later if you decide that's right for you, but do it now so you are taken care of if he doesn't change his mind.

    Also, this man gets drunk and verbally abusive. And he's told you very clearly that he doesn't want you. Frankly, I'm not sure why you are fighting so hard to save that. When a man tells me he doesn't want me, then he doesn't deserve me.
    Science always wins over bullshit. ~Dick Rutkowski
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    Quote Originally Posted by ZivaD View Post
    Of course either/both of the partners can change during a deployment (or any other time for that matter).
    You can't make him love you or want to be married to you. What you can do is focus on getting yourself to the best, healthiest place you can be and allow him to choose whether or not to do the same for himself.
    Have the two of you (or either/both of you individually) had any counseling?
    We went to counseling before I left and he continued after, and we started going again when I came back. Every time we went he felt better about everything and that we would be ok. And then he just said he didn't want to try anymore and he was done.
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    #6
    I'm sorry but why do you want to stay with someone who verbally abuses you?

    "Thank you so much. No matter what, nothing is possible without you behind the scenes bustin heads and takin names. Thank you again. Everything you have done for me means a lot and nothing has gone unnoticed. I love you so much and thank you for saying 'I do.'"
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    Quote Originally Posted by Rissa*Rawr View Post
    I'm sorry but why do you want to stay with someone who verbally abuses you?
    Yea I suppose you're right. He only is that way when he is drunk. So I guess apart of me says it's ok because I believe he suffers from PTSD. As a married couple we were amazing despite that.
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    Quote Originally Posted by TrishAFSpouse View Post
    My first thought is that he should go into counseling.
    Its possible that he hasn't (or didn't) integrate as well as you think. He could have PTSD or other issues related to deployment, marriage, life, whatever.

    His drinking can be a sign that he's wallowing and trying to drink his problems away. Often times spouses blame the other spouse when things aren't going how they want. Has nothing to do with anything, just its easier to blame someone else than blame yourself.

    I would encourage him to go to counseling before you guys even talk about divorce.
    I have mentioned it to him and a former military friend that was deployed with him did as well. He is pretty much to proud and says no one will understand what he's gone through. I believe his drinking is his way of coping especially the things he has accused me of while drunk. But he seems pretty set on a divorce and is giving up.
    Last edited by ndenna; 06-06-2013 at 03:15 PM. Reason: didn't finish
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    #9
    So he verbally abuses you and has a drinking problem?

    It is never okay. And he's been seeing a therapist but has never been diagnosed with PTSD, so that says something. It seems like you want to make excuses for him because you don't want to accept that this is who he is. But it is. He's a mean drunk who verbally abuses you and has given up on your marriage. I hate saying that because I'm sure it stings, but sometimes in life, we need to be slapped upside the head with the halibut of reality. He's not a good guy. Maybe he once was, or maybe he even has the potential to be so again (if he treated his likely alcoholism and whatever else he has going on), but that's an alternate reality. The reality where he stops drinking entirely and gets the help he needs, and want to put effort into your relationship and being with you is not the reality you live in. Don't make life decisions based on the fantasy of who you wish he was, or based in his "potential"; make it on reality. And the reality is that he has a drinking problem, he's abusive, and he's moved on from your marriage.
    Science always wins over bullshit. ~Dick Rutkowski
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    #10
    Quote Originally Posted by ndenna View Post
    Yea I suppose you're right. He only is that way when he is drunk. So I guess apart of me says it's ok because I believe he suffers from PTSD. As a married couple we were amazing despite that.
    Yet he's aware of how you feel about him drinking? And he doesn't stop. I also don't see that as an excuse... the "Well, he's only like that when he's drunk." That's exactly like someone who's in a physically abusive relationship say, "He only hits me when he's drunk." See what I'm saying? His behaviors are toxic. Not only that, he's told you that he's moved on. With that said, I think it's time for you to do the same.

    "Thank you so much. No matter what, nothing is possible without you behind the scenes bustin heads and takin names. Thank you again. Everything you have done for me means a lot and nothing has gone unnoticed. I love you so much and thank you for saying 'I do.'"
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