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Thread: Still Confused

  1. Fresh Newbie
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    #1

    Nutts Still Confused

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    My exDB learned that he was going to deploy again on top of having a very demanding job in the months prior to that. After learning this, he decided that he needed "time apart" from us. He said that he was worried about the stress that these changes would put on our relationship, thinking that we may have much less time to talk and see each other while he is in his current job. And, he may want to enter this deployment without being in a relationship.

    I did not want a break. I was very clear that I support him and believed that we would be able to make it through these changes. We've been together for over 2 years. We've been long-distance throughout our relationship, but it's always been good and manageable, with us being able to see each other pretty frequently. We already made it through one deployment together. With the exception of being long-distance, we had what I actually thought was the perfect relationship in all other respects. I felt blind-sided by his needing space from me. The breakup conversation was brief and unclear - It really did seem like he was honestly confused and just unsure about everything right now.

    That was now three months ago. I honestly expected him to realize how wrong this was after a few weeks. He has emailed me a few times - Just checking in, but indicating that he has more to say to me and is thinking of me... But then actually saying nothing substantial about his thoughts on us. I don't want to push him because I want to respect his space, but I feel it's not right to leave me hanging like that. I'd like to reach out to him to see how he is doing and what he is actually thinking now that he has had time to process this, but part of me also just assumes that he would contact me if he really wanted. Right now, I feel like I am just waiting for the next contact from him (I am slightly exaggerating - I have been busy and trying to move forward as a single person - but I am still sad, confused, angry, and feeling like I've been left on the hook a bit here).

    When will this stop being confusing?
  2. MilitarySOS Jewel
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    #2
    Quote Originally Posted by leavetaking View Post
    My exDB learned that he was going to deploy again on top of having a very demanding job in the months prior to that. After learning this, he decided that he needed "time apart" from us. He said that he was worried about the stress that these changes would put on our relationship, thinking that we may have much less time to talk and see each other while he is in his current job. And, he may want to enter this deployment without being in a relationship.

    I did not want a break. I was very clear that I support him and believed that we would be able to make it through these changes. We've been together for over 2 years. We've been long-distance throughout our relationship, but it's always been good and manageable, with us being able to see each other pretty frequently. We already made it through one deployment together. With the exception of being long-distance, we had what I actually thought was the perfect relationship in all other respects. I felt blind-sided by his needing space from me. The breakup conversation was brief and unclear - It really did seem like he was honestly confused and just unsure about everything right now.

    That was now three months ago. I honestly expected him to realize how wrong this was after a few weeks. He has emailed me a few times - Just checking in, but indicating that he has more to say to me and is thinking of me... But then actually saying nothing substantial about his thoughts on us. I don't want to push him because I want to respect his space, but I feel it's not right to leave me hanging like that. I'd like to reach out to him to see how he is doing and what he is actually thinking now that he has had time to process this, but part of me also just assumes that he would contact me if he really wanted. Right now, I feel like I am just waiting for the next contact from him (I am slightly exaggerating - I have been busy and trying to move forward as a single person - but I am still sad, confused, angry, and feeling like I've been left on the hook a bit here).

    When will this stop being confusing?
    It will stop being confusing when you have clear answers - which will be when you require them of him Remember, though, *he* can't leave you hanging - you can choose to be left hanging or you can choose to either demand clarity from him or make the decision for yourself, but that is under your control, not his....don't give him that power.
  3. 1/2 hippie, 1/2 diva... all Jersey
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    #3
    I know it sucks, but the easiest way or maybe the swiftest way for it to stop being confusing would be for you to make the decision to sever all ties and truly take the time to heal and move on. The not so easy method, IMO, involves continuing doing what you're doing and waiting for him to make the move or awaken to how "wrong" he was in his decision-- which may or may not happen.

    Personally, if someone did that to me, I'd feel like they felt I was "expendable" in someway and that is not okay to me.

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    #4
    I think it will stop being confusing when you accept that this is the reality and that while you may never be 100% sure what he was and is thinking, you know it is time to move on. It still confuses you because you still question it and allow it to be a presence in your life. When you decide that this man dumped you--he decided he can live without you--and that it is time to move on, then there is really nothing left to be confused about.

    I'm sorry you are hurting. I hope you can find peace soon, and go out and work toward finding someone committed enough to you that he can't imagine life without you.
    Science always wins over bullshit. ~Dick Rutkowski
  5. You are here.
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    #5
    Quote Originally Posted by sweetvanity View Post
    I know it sucks, but the easiest way or maybe the swiftest way for it to stop being confusing would be for you to make the decision to sever all ties and truly take the time to heal and move on. The not so easy method, IMO, involves continuing doing what you're doing and waiting for him to make the move or awaken to how "wrong" he was in his decision-- which may or may not happen.

    Personally, if someone did that to me, I'd feel like they felt I was "expendable" in someway and that is not okay to me.
    Quote Originally Posted by villanelle View Post
    I think it will stop being confusing when you accept that this is the reality and that while you may never be 100% sure what he was and is thinking, you know it is time to move on. It still confuses you because you still question it and allow it to be a presence in your life. When you decide that this man dumped you--he decided he can live without you--and that it is time to move on, then there is really nothing left to be confused about.

    I'm sorry you are hurting. I hope you can find peace soon, and go out and work toward finding someone committed enough to you that he can't imagine life without you.
    ditto....sounds like he's making it clear that he only wants you as a friend that he can keep in contact with while downrange. If he's giving you clear answers, let him go. He can then choose to come back at you or to just respect it and go on. But what if he comes back after you waiting and nothing changes and he moves on? Might as well try to come to terms that he may be down with the girlfriend/boyfriend relationship and maybe just wants to be friends.
  6. Livin~Lovin~Laughin
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    #6
    I agree with the ladies. If he truly wanted a relationship with you, he wouldn't be taking a break. I am sorry. I think "breaks" are bullshit. I don't play that crap. It's on or it's off. Move on and find a man that loves, respects and treasures you enough to be there through the good and bad.





    "Don't worry about being right,
    just worry about being kind."
    ~Tilly Therber

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