Military Significant Others and Spouse Support - MilitarySOS.com
Page 1 of 5 1234 ... LastLast
Results 1 to 10 of 43

Thread: Broken...and lost...and confused.

  1. MilitarySOS Jewel
    #luci's Avatar
    #luci is offline
    MilitarySOS Jewel
    Join Date
    Apr 2011
    Location
    Texas
    Posts
    5,747
    #1

    Broken...and lost...and confused.

    Advertisements
    I wish I wasn't posting in this sub-forum.

    To preface this post, we've had issues for a while. I can't even tell you what the issues are (not that I *can't*, I just don't really know what they were), but we fought often. Our communication was lacking so every time we fought, I wanted to solve it right then, and he would either walk away or just engage in a pointless argument with me. It wasn't always bad, we became part of each others' families, we supported each others dreams, we had each others' backs, and we grew up together for 5 years. But I think that the bad just strained us. Before deployment, we would practically alternate wanting to end the relationship. We felt that maybe it was just pre-deployment stress. We loved each other and wanted to give ourselves the deployment to grow as individuals to see if we could piece ourselves back together when he returned. During deployment, he was so stressed and busy, and he began to emotionally detach. As a result, so did I. We still loved each other, our Skype dates would bring out the best in us again, but it was just so difficult. While he was gone, I went to counseling to figure out what triggers my anxiety and bad habits. I realized that since he was so close to me, he was the one who felt the effects of my anxiety symptoms. I wanted to change that about myself so I could be a healthier person. Its been a long journey and I feel far from "ok" again, but I feel better and stronger.

    He's been home almost 3 weeks. Literally 3 days after being here, he started school. He had to readjust to life at home, life at school, life in the corps, and life with me. I tried to be patient and take his cues on what he could/couldn't handle so that he wouldn't feel pressured. I wanted him to readjust on his own time. But it was a lot when he bought a surprise $1500 tv...a week before we had to pay utilities and bills. We sat down to talk about frivolous spending (he's done this since before deployment). We had the most honest talk ever last Sunday. We both didn't know how we felt about the relationship. We said that we love each other and that will never change, but that the fighting and stress was just too much. The way he put it was "I just think it may be best to end it, before we burn this plane into the ground" and my response was "I love you, and I don't want to force this and have us hating each other". We mutually decided to end things. I hated it, I hated that fact that I understood why we were doing it. How could we sit there and say that we loved each other, that we were proud of each other, that we loved the other for their accomplishments... but somehow not be able to make this work? It was the cruelest feeling ever. I didn't understand. I let myself quietly cry in our room, I was ready to just grieve. Later he came into our room and said "Babe, we need more time, maybe readjustment is just difficult, its only been 2 weeks, lets try". So we decided to try. But how much can we try when we have school during the week? On Thursday, he broke up with me, again, repeating our conversation from before.

    I've talked to my family and friends, as well as his family. I'm not trying to breach "teams", but I've grown so close to them over 5 years. They ARE my family here, I often have to remind myself that we're not related. His sister is sad, his brother is pissed, and his step dad is trying to give me hope. His sister has provided unending support to me, and tells me how sad she is, how sad her kids are (who think we're lying about this). She came over on Saturday evening to just be with me and I cried as I hugged his nephews. This can't be happening. WHY WHY didn't he consider everything at stake here? I keep asking myself if he even thought this through. But maybe it doesn't matter since we've been rocky for a while... I just wish I knew what went wrong.

    For a few days, he was kinda quiet when coming in and out. He spent the night in the dorm locker rooms or in his truck a few nights. But he stayed the night on Saturday (he came over late after his sister left). Its so weird... the longer he's here, the more normal we get. Every now and then, one of us questions the decision. But we ultimately know that this is for the best right now. We did laundry together, cleaned the apartment, joked with Gizmo, and talked about what to look for in apartments. I don't know if those things hurt me...

    We hug a lot, and we talk about what to do next. He'll be moving out soon... and it crushes me. I went to Target yesterday for Raid and some water filters, I picked up some undershirts and shower gel for him. I nearly broke down right there. I am so used to our life together, I'm so used to taking care of each other, I loved the companionship that we created. I'm so sad that I'm sitting here, on the bed he bought us, knowing that we failed at making this new apartment a home. I keep second guessing this decision... did we try hard enough? Did we give it enough time? And I'm angry... feeling like he short changed us by "trying" for only 4 days. I hate "understanding" this decision... but then feeling so fucking empty. My anxiety is eating at me, I feel so depressed. Yet at the same time, we sit together and talk about what's stressing him out. He has so much on his plate. He's behind in classes, and nothing feels normal to him. He feels like a failure, behind on his degree. He's having such a hard time with people complaining about trivial things, as he goes to bed thinking of what he saw overseas. He says he doesn't have nightmares, but it upsets him when people ask if he's killed anyone. Last night I held his hand as he cried over his struggles. It pains me...to see my best friend go through this. Without going into too much detail, he had an outburst at school last week, he's admitted that he has a short fuse. I worry about his well-being, I even called his family after he left my apartment on Friday because he just looked so depressed. They're concerned as well, but don't know how to approach this, I've suggested counseling to him, but he feels he doesn't need it, that school is just his biggest stressor. I understand that he needs this time to himself. I have no idea if the "rules" of breaking up apply in this case. Neither of us hate each other, no one fucked up, we just maybe grew apart. I have no desire to cut off communication, though his family thinks I should because he's depended on me for 5 years (I realize I've coddled him so much in regards to waking him up, or editing his papers, or running his errands). I don't want to see him fail... but I have no idea how to heal from this.

    Is this for the best... Before he came home, I was already uncertain if I wanted to continue the relationship. Not because I didn't love him, but because of the lack of communication. Now...now I'm just torn. Looking at the relationship by itself, maybe this is whats best. But looking at him as a person... I can't just walk away. I keep praying for guidance on what to do, I just want us to be ok.
  2. MilitarySOS Jewel
    Ol' Grey Mare's Avatar
    Ol' Grey Mare is offline
    MilitarySOS Jewel
    Join Date
    Feb 2011
    Location
    Indiana
    Posts
    14,646
    #2
    ......I have no answers for you, but it seems you could really use a few of these
  3. Moooooo!!
    SamiLynn's Avatar
    SamiLynn is offline
    Moooooo!!
    Join Date
    Dec 2010
    Location
    Fort Worth, TX
    Posts
    5,664
    #3
    Love you, Luci. I know that this is a very rough time for you. I also know that this is not a time where you want to hear "it will get better over time." That is saved for a later time. Give yourself the time you need to grieve. This is a major change in your life. Please let me know if there is anything I can do for you.
  4. MilitarySOS Jewel
    katinahat's Avatar
    katinahat is offline
    MilitarySOS Jewel
    Join Date
    Mar 2011
    Posts
    20,893

    #4

    You know that anytime you want to talk, you can FB me. I know I've been spotty on there lately because of my health issues, but I'm still a good listener. I'm so sorry that you're dealing with all of this. I'm not very good at advice in this sort of situation, so I'll just pray that someone is able to talk to you and give you good, meaningful advice to help you get through this.
    ​​​

    “Somewhere, something incredible is waiting to be known.” -- Carl Sagan

  5. Breathe and chill
    *Bazinga*'s Avatar
    *Bazinga* is offline
    Breathe and chill
    Join Date
    Sep 2011
    Location
    OH/Afghanistan
    Posts
    8,951
    Blog Entries
    1

    #5


    I have no advice, but it sounds like you two have really talked this out and are mutual on the decision. Who knows, this could be what you need and ultimately end up back together. Never know what life will throw at you. You are so strong and you will get through this
    Put on your big girl panties and deal with it like a boss.

  6. Senior Member
    Candice.'s Avatar
    Candice. is offline
    Senior Member
    Join Date
    Oct 2009
    Location
    Both back at home, Baltimore, MD
    Posts
    5,645
    #6
    I am so sorry you're going through this. I know how bad it hurts and how confusing it is.
  7. Anchored2aSailor's Avatar
    Anchored2aSailor is offline
    Banned
    Join Date
    Jun 2010
    Location
    Connecticut Bitches!
    Posts
    8,438
    #7


    I am so sorry that you are going through this.
  8. AKA USAFgfChels
    Chels<3's Avatar
    Chels<3 is offline
    AKA USAFgfChels
    Join Date
    Jan 2012
    Location
    TEXAS!
    Posts
    2,859

    #8
    I am so sorry. I also hope you find the guidance you are looking for!
  9. Anchored2aSailor's Avatar
    Anchored2aSailor is offline
    Banned
    Join Date
    Jun 2010
    Location
    Connecticut Bitches!
    Posts
    8,438
    #9
    Maybe if you guys can work on being friends again, that will patch up your hearts, and you can try the relationship thing again?
  10. cuz i'm wonderful
    linzerfufu's Avatar
    linzerfufu is offline
    cuz i'm wonderful
    Join Date
    Aug 2010
    Location
    Oregon
    Posts
    11,833
    #10



    Im so sorry.
Page 1 of 5 1234 ... LastLast

Posting Permissions

  • You may not post new threads
  • You may not post replies
  • You may not post attachments
  • You may not edit your posts
  •