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Thread: Questioning my resolve on ending things

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    #1

    Questioning my resolve on ending things

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    Saturday night DH and I sat on the couch and he told me everything. About how he was questioning his sexuality, what he did, and answered my questions. On Sunday night I told him I filed papers and today he was served them. He keeps begging me to not do this and telling me he will do anything to make it work. I keep thinking about our life together. I told him it was never a lack of love between us, or the fact that we can have fun together and we both have the same sense of humor, but that I can't trust him. I told him I wish I could, but at this point it is completely broken. I asked him if his daughter was being treated this way would he want her to stay with the man that did this? Did he even think about his family when he made this decision and not only how it would affect me, but his daughter if we divorced thanks to his actions? He said as my friend he would have told me to leave him, but he said he wants to do whatever will make this work.

    I wish I had a strong resolve either way. We're high school sweethearts. I love him, our family, and our life together. The thought of being alone and of missing out on spending life with him and stepdaughter and giving up on a family together is suffocating. I just don't know what to do anymore. I will at least separate from him and maybe being apart will help me think clearly.
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    #2
    I think separation is a good step. I apologize but I've been really busy and not following your posts super closely, have you already tried counseling? Maybe you could separate for the time being but still go if you still want to try to make it work?

    Although to be perfectly honest, I think I would be out. It's normal at the end of a relationship to think of all the good things you will miss, but bad things have happened and caused the breakup. You had serious problems, it's not like you're throwing in the towel before putting real effort forth.

    I guess it's easier said than done though. I imagine it's very difficult to break up your family and I'm so sorry you're going through this. I hope you come to the best decision for YOU.
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    #3
    As I mentioned to you last time i think, I ALWAYS thought that if this happened to me I would leave! But it DID happen to me, and although at first I thought that leaving was what I wanted to do, now I realise I love him so much and he loves me and he needs to get himself sorted out and hopefully we can move forward. It sounds easy, but it is really really hard!
    I agree that a separation is probably a great idea to get your head together. We are having a forced separation because he is deployed. It's given me time to reflect on everything. I'm also following that website I mentioned before, and I've got my first counseling appointment in a week. I now have time to get my own head on straight, so I know what I want to do. I've had to ignore other people and what they think and do what is best for me.

    Good luck to you
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    #4
    This isn't the first time he has done this, if I remember right. In fact, I seem to remember it being the third. And I am sure he promised you the world the previous two times as well, he promised you he would never ever do it again, he would do anything to make it work... Those are just words, and his words are worthless, he has proven that already.

    Forgiving a single mistake is one thing. But he has cheated on you multiple times. I know being alone is scary, I know change is scary, but if his promises weren't worth anything the previous two times, he won't suddenly become trustworthy and faithful now. How many times do you want to let him do this to you?
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    #5
    I think it is normal to be confused as to whether or not you are doing the "right" thing. The decision you make here will change the rest of your life. When something ends we tend to like to only see the "good" side of things, and we overlook the not so great things. Don't overlook the not so great things, just so that you don't have to rock the boat.

    You deserve to be in a relationship with someone who you can trust 100%, who is respectful to you and to your relationship, who isn't confused as to what he wants, and who wouldn't repeatedly lie to you.

    My biggest concern is that you stay, he continues to put his sexuality on the back burner, and continues to lie and cheat. Do you want a lifetime of this?
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    #6
    Quote Originally Posted by SpaceHedgehog View Post
    This isn't the first time he has done this, if I remember right. In fact, I seem to remember it being the third. And I am sure he promised you the world the previous two times as well, he promised you he would never ever do it again, he would do anything to make it work... Those are just words, and his words are worthless, he has proven that already.

    Forgiving a single mistake is one thing. But he has cheated on you multiple times. I know being alone is scary, I know change is scary, but if his promises weren't worth anything the previous two times, he won't suddenly become trustworthy and faithful now. How many times do you want to let him do this to you?
    Quote Originally Posted by Anchored2aSailor View Post
    I think it is normal to be confused as to whether or not you are doing the "right" thing. The decision you make here will change the rest of your life. When something ends we tend to like to only see the "good" side of things, and we overlook the not so great things. Don't overlook the not so great things, just so that you don't have to rock the boat.

    You deserve to be in a relationship with someone who you can trust 100%, who is respectful to you and to your relationship, who isn't confused as to what he wants, and who wouldn't repeatedly lie to you.

    My biggest concern is that you stay, he continues to put his sexuality on the back burner, and continues to lie and cheat. Do you want a lifetime of this?
    ditto...could he be telling you this to get you to rethink divorce and stay? what happens six months, nine months, a year or two or five down the road, will you be here again? His past behavior can only show you what he will do presently or in the future unless you two go back to counselling or something major happens to make him really see the need for change. But in the end its your decision, and i can do is wish you well....
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    #7
    You say you love your life together, but that life you love is an illusion he created and a lie he told you. Your real life with him is one filled with repeated betrayal and disrespect. I'm sure you don't love that. You love what you *thought* you had, but that isn't real now, if it ever was.
    Science always wins over bullshit. ~Dick Rutkowski
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    #8
    Quote Originally Posted by villanelle View Post
    You say you love your life together, but that life you love is an illusion he created and a lie he told you. Your real life with him is one filled with repeated betrayal and disrespect. I'm sure you don't love that. You love what you *thought* you had, but that isn't real now, if it ever was.
    d Even the most abused and neglected spouses will be afraid to leave. Everyone thinks of the good things and the fear of the unknown before they break up. And every cheater knows how to say the right thing and be good just long enough to make a person stick around. Yeah, maybe he's a sex addict. Maybe he's messed in the head. Do you really want to subject yourself to a lifetime of this just because you're scared to be alone or scared to lose the illusion of what you have? It's not all a lie, but he's done this before and he'll do it again.

    What if he gives you HIV? If you can't trust him not to cheat than can you really trust him to wear a condom when he does? You may say "he'd never do that to me" but you didn't think he'd do this to you and your stepdaughter either. If hell put your heart on the chopping block like this, he'll risk your life too. Just something to consider.

    And I'm not saying the HIV thing just because he's bi. I'm saying it because he's a compulsive cheater with multiple partners. You deserve better.
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    #9
    As painful and suffocating as the thought of being alone sounds, it is better than being cheated on and your trust betrayed countless times. Give yourself the chance of healing and finding someone who is worthy of your love and companionship. Your husband clearly did not appreciate you and made his choice a long time ago. Actions speak louder than words and him apologizing, begging, will not fix your broken heart. How many times will you have the emotional strength to forgive him and give him another chance, and another chance, and another chance? Plus, apparently he is questioning his sexuality. You can't trap yourself waiting on him while he tries to find himself and figure out where he belongs.

    You can still keep in contact with your step-daughter. You, parting ways with him, won't make you any less of a mother to her. There are counseling options out there if it comes to that. I can see, she is who you are most concerned about, if your final decision is, ending your marriage.

    I wish you the best of luck. I very much hope not to see you post again with a broken heart. That is no way to live your life.
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    #10
    Quote Originally Posted by villanelle View Post
    You say you love your life together, but that life you love is an illusion he created and a lie he told you. Your real life with him is one filled with repeated betrayal and disrespect. I'm sure you don't love that. You love what you *thought* you had, but that isn't real now, if it ever was.


    The "real" part of the relationship is what happens in between the heart to heart talks.

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