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Thread: Ok, had to let this out somewhere (not sure where this belongs)

  1. Fresh Newbie
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    #1

    Ok, had to let this out somewhere (not sure where this belongs)

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    Ok, I guess this is more of a vent/maybe advice post but I had to ask somewhere.

    I married a Navy officer pilot May 2012. We had a week honeymoon, a week back, then he deployed. Less than 10 days later, I was having sex with my male roommate. I know it's lousy of me, and I know it is a total bitch move to kick him in the nads like this when he's deployed, but there it is. I've moved out of the place I was and am 4 hours away for school

    This is not the first time I cheated on him. He was deployed January 2011 - July 2011 while we were dating/living together, and during that time (around June 2011) I started having an affair with a different guy which I ended the beginning of September 2011. 3 days after I cut contact with him, my now husband proposed to me. And I couldn't think of what else to say other than admit I had doubts but sure I'd take a flying leap on them.

    I moved from Wisconsin to Florida to work a job my husband helped me find, and I didn't know if I could support myself independently, so we moved in together with separate bedrooms (in name only as it turned out). He is incredibly sweet (helps out with stuff when he's home, sends me gifts, asked the therapist I found down here if she had any advice he could use to be a better husband), geeky (which I am too), I've got a long (admittedly rocky) history with him, but it makes sense. Intellectually we agree on financials, religion, & kids, and he's a logical choice as we're pretty good friends and he loves me. I don't know what to do.

    I know everyone looking from the outside thinks he's great for me. He's not mean, he's never hit me, every time I do something he doesn't hold it against me, I can't think of anything he's doing wrong or why he's not wonderful (he's a Navy pilot, they're good guys).

    I just don't feel attracted to him. If he came home tomorrow, my reaction would be to probably tell him to go away and leave me alone. I wouldn't want to kiss him, or have sex with him, or even spend an hour watching a movie with him really b/c it would mean he'd be all over me and the thought just makes me want to run out of the room. But I can't think of anything wrong with him. I keep wondering if I'm never going to find anyone better than him, or if I do leave him I'll end up like this in the next relationship: fine at first but later wanting out, and I'll have ended up hurting 2 people.

    Am I insane? I was married less than 1 month and already started having an affair, I've been married less than 6 months and already trying to figure out if this is irreconcilable. Is it a normal feeling to not want the deployed spouse to come home? Is this reconcilable?

    If it isn't, is it better to tell him via skype while deployed or wait until he gets home? I'm so sorry for the pain I've caused him, but I feel trapped and I don't know if I can make him happy, and I feel horrible that I hurt like this, but I don't know what to do.
  2. 1/2 hippie, 1/2 diva... all Jersey
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    #2
    Um, wow. That was quite the intro.

    Honestly, I'm not hearing that you want to be married, and/or that marriage isn't suiting you. Personally, I would cut your losses. It's not fair to your husband to have a wife that isn't faithful (unless of course you had a previously established open marriage), nor does it seem reasonable to you to stay married to a man you are not happy with-- regardless of how much "logical sense" it makes. JMO.

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    #3
    I don't know how to tell him but you need to.

    And for once in this relationship, don't think about yourself. Don't think "what if I don't find better" because it doesn't matter, he deserves better than this. Do right by him and divorce him, let him find someone who loves him and wants him "all over" them. I love my husband and sometimes no I don't want him humping my thigh while I'm trying to nap but I do want his arms around me.

    It's not your fault you aren't attracted to him, and I don't think it makes you a bad person but you should've ended it a long time ago instead of cheating. And I'm sure you will find someone you love and want to be with and want to touch, it's just not him.
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    #4
    Tell him. Your husband has a right to know that not only are you not in love with him, but you are so not in love with him that you found someone else a few weeks after marrying him
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    #5
    I think you need to tell him ASAP. It's utterly selfish to draw this out when there is essentially zero chance of this working out. You are just prolonging it. Set him free so that he can get on with his life and find someone who wants to be with him. Every day that you continue this charade is another day you disrespect him and another day of dishonesty. You didn't manage honesty before the marriage nor fidelity during it; the least you can do is not draw this out even more and correct your mistake (and his) as soon as you can. You owe him at least that.
    Science always wins over bullshit. ~Dick Rutkowski
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    #6
    It's time to get out of this marriage, as soon as possible. Please imagine if this was the other way around, and what that would do to you emotionally to have been cheated on not once but twice and not just one time deals, but actual long term affairs. You haven't been faithful to him for basically your entire relationship. The relationship he thinks he is in is non-existent. He has been living a lie for a year. Right now, you should do nothing but end this marriage and show him the least bit of dignity and respect and let him find a person who will treat him right, if he can recover from this.
    MrsJennyyy is mah wife



  7. Justice Beaver: The Crime Fighting Beaver
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    #7
    He needs to know. It's not fair for either of you to pretend that you're happy.

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    #8
    Why are you wondering what's wrong with him? You are your problem, you shouldn't have married him if you didn't have those feelings for him and you were already being unfaithful. I would tell him as soon as possible, why waste more of his (and your) time? You've been married a few months, you should be in your honeymoon period but you're having affairs and saying you don't want him to come home. This isn't fair to him and the right thing to do would be to leave.
  9. MilitarySOS Jewel
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    #9
    Quote Originally Posted by january View Post
    Why are you wondering what's wrong with him? You are your problem, you shouldn't have married him if you didn't have those feelings for him and you were already being unfaithful. I would tell him as soon as possible, why waste more of his (and your) time? You've been married a few months, you should be in your honeymoon period but you're having affairs and saying you don't want him to come home. This isn't fair to him and the right thing to do would be to leave.


    Let him go so that he can find someone that does love him because even you know that he's a fantastic guy.
  10. You are here.
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    #10
    Quote Originally Posted by january View Post
    Why are you wondering what's wrong with him? You are your problem, you shouldn't have married him if you didn't have those feelings for him and you were already being unfaithful. I would tell him as soon as possible, why waste more of his (and your) time? You've been married a few months, you should be in your honeymoon period but you're having affairs and saying you don't want him to come home. This isn't fair to him and the right thing to do would be to leave.
    ditto...honestly i don't see where he's the problem here. Sorry, but i think he deserves better than to be cheated on then loathed so much that you blame him that you can't stay faithful. I don't see it as reconcible if you can't stand the thought of him. Why did you marry him? was it because he was a pilot and thats all you wanted was to be a pilot's wife? Can you turn this around and put yourself in his place, how would you feel if he felt like that about you and did the same thing to you?
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