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Thread: I've put him on notice. He has 6 months to change or we're done.

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    #1

    Suspicious I've put him on notice. He has 6 months to change or we're done.

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    This weekend DH and I fought a bit off an on (same old stuff). On our counselor's suggestion I came up with a list of things/needs I feel are not being met by my DH that he did at one point in time. I'm not saying "I'm married to you and now I want you to change completely" but he did do those things on the list and will not anymore. Reviewing it with him we managed to stay calm for the first part, but then he wrote up his list and we fought for awhile. I asked him if he thought I thought he was smart/good with finances and he said no. I told him I do think he is/can be and this is exactly why I think he will run off with the next moron that bats her eyes at him and says help me. I put it all out for him which is that I am not happy with how things have become and I honestly have one foot out the door and one in. I need to see that he is willing to start picking up the slack and take care of his responsibilities because I'm at the point of burnout and I don't feel I can do it all. He cried at this and it made me feel awful but at least I've told him what I expect and I'm putting my foot down. I can't imagine divorcing him but if he doesn't show any effort towards working on things then he is telling me where I fit in his life.

    Now to wait and see.
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    #2
    How does fiscal responsibility equal an inclination to leave for another woman?

    I don't understand
  3. Quis custodiet ipsos custodes?
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    #3
    I think that the fact that he was willing to listen to your list and not start a confrontation, as well as being open and honest enough to make a list for you too is a good sign. It sounds like he has a clear picture now of what you need/expect. I'm sorry you fought over his list though. Did you still get a feel for what he needs and expects from you too? Maybe if not you can revisit his last later, so you know what you need to do too.
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    #4
    It's not necessarily fiscal responsibility. It's the fact that he prides himself on being a numbers guy and smart. If he thinks that I don't respect him and don't think much of him, then I could see him leaving for someone else. At one point he had done just that with someone that seemed very naive and made him feel good about himself/needed him to "save her". This was years ago, but I'm aware of similar situations.
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    #5
    Despite the fighting and tears, I feel like we're not just settling for our current reality and we both have things to work on. Granted his list seemed to be an attack against mine (which I told him) I have picked out what parts of it have value.
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    #6
    Quote Originally Posted by Navy_Em View Post
    It's not necessarily fiscal responsibility. It's the fact that he prides himself on being a numbers guy and smart. If he thinks that I don't respect him and don't think much of him, then I could see him leaving for someone else. At one point he had done just that with someone that seemed very naive and made him feel good about himself/needed him to "save her". This was years ago, but I'm aware of similar situations.
    I see.

    Has he indicated how you can show your appreciation so that he is aware of it?

    What you've said would concern me as well. Especially since she was "naive" and what he was possibly looking for from the interaction.
  7. 1/2 hippie, 1/2 diva... all Jersey
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    #7
    what did the counselor say through all this?

    www.SnarkyFit.com
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    #8
    I'm sorry you're dealing with this right now It says a lot that you are willing to work with him on these things. 6 months is a short amount of time. I hope you are willing to truly live up to an ultimatum once its been made. If six months come up and he hasn't done what you've both agreed to it will take a tremendous amount of courage to take the final step of divorcing him. I personally try not to use ultimatums... I have once before and it made my ex do the opposite... I left early, too though. I stopped working with him once he rebelled. I was ready to leave prior to that though, but his resistance really upset me and I walked. If you ever need someone to talk to or vent to please keep me in mind. My PM box is always open.

    Best of luck
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    #9
    Quote Originally Posted by Navy_Em View Post
    Despite the fighting and tears, I feel like we're not just settling for our current reality and we both have things to work on. Granted his list seemed to be an attack against mine (which I told him) I have picked out what parts of it have value.
    So you got to decide which things on his list were important and valuable and which weren't? Did he get the same power with your list?


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    #10
    Quote Originally Posted by briannanoel View Post
    So you got to decide which things on his list were important and valuable and which weren't? Did he get the same power with your list?
    My thoughts exactly


    No one is guaranteed happiness. You can pursue it, but if you happen to find success along the way on that road to happiness, Conservatives believe you should not be demonized or penalized for it.
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