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Thread: domestic violence & the miltary

  1. Old Newbie
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    #1

    domestic violence & the miltary

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    Does anyone have any experience with domestic violence in their past/present relationships? my husband & i were separated for a year before he left for AF boot camp (he's there right now, in week 6 of training) and i had every intention of divorcing him as soon as he graduated from basic. most of the reason for our separation was abuse, both physical and emotional. we have a 2 year old daughter and before he left for basic, he wasn't paying child support, he wasn't even working at all, he rarely came to visit our daughter unless i nagged at him to see her, and we didn't get along...at all. well 12 days into basic we got a phone call from him (to be quite honest, i was shocked) and he has used his weekly phone calls to call us ever since then. he's also written us many times. he says that basic has changed his life and that he wants nothing more in life than to be a family, and to take care of us, first and foremost. he says that the military has taught him to get his priorities straight and that we will always be #1 to him from now on. he swears that he loves us more than anything and prays for a miracle everyday, that we could be together again.

    my question for you ladies, is if you have any experience with men truly being changed by the military? i've heard it go both ways - that the military can change men for the better, making them grow up and be more mature & disciplined, etc. but i've also heard stories of how some men become more violent than they were before, because of how they're treated during basic. i'm not going to make any decisions soon, because we definitely need time to figure our relationship out considering our history, i'm just wanting some real life stories/situations, if anyone has anything to share.

    if it helps, we're both 21. i'm still in college & he was in college until he enlisted. we got married at 19 and neither of us had lived on our own before getting married, so there was a lot more to our problems than just the abuse.

    thanks in advance, any and all thoughts/advice is much appreciated.
  2. jjr
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    #2
    I wouldn't believe it. I have heard others in relationship problems get these letters and then in A and C school become the same people they were before. I would wait to see if he has truly changed after he gets to his first duty station for awhile.
  3. Old Newbie
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    #3
    Quote Originally Posted by jjr View Post
    I wouldn't believe it. I have heard others in relationship problems get these letters and then in A and C school become the same people they were before. I would wait to see if he has truly changed after he gets to his first duty station for awhile.
    I'm definitely waiting. I'm not moving anywhere with him until I finish school, I have 2.5 years left.

    Ugh, I want to be with him so badly...
  4. BingBangBoom that's how babies are made
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    #4
    I wouldn't buy it. Even if the military has "changed" him, for how long? How long until something pushes him over the edge by just a tiny bit & he gets abusive again.

    Abuse is a toxic relationship & I would run very far from it.

    "Thank you so much. No matter what, nothing is possible without you behind the scenes bustin heads and takin names. Thank you again. Everything you have done for me means a lot and nothing has gone unnoticed. I love you so much and thank you for saying 'I do.'"
  5. I got soul but I'm not a soldier ♥
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    I'm with the others. I wouldn't buy it, either.
    live in such a way that if anyone should speak badly of you no one would believe it ♥
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    #6
    I would wait too, and he probably needs to go to counseling. Whether you decide to stay with him or not he still needs to work out his issues. If he truly wants to change he will do more than just say he has changed and that takes time to show. At the end of the day you have a child to think of and that would not be a good situation to be in.
  7. I got soul but I'm not a soldier ♥
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    #7
    I'm thinking of the cycle of abuse here...this is the honeymoon stage. Things are calm...but for how long? Then tensions build and the cycle repeats itself.
    live in such a way that if anyone should speak badly of you no one would believe it ♥
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    #8
    I would wait and see how he is after he gets done. DH's former best friend had anger issues, and they are sooooo much worse now. He's gotten physical with his wife several times, and he screams at their kids.

    Also, he may have found out about the "perks" of being married/having kids while in the military. You get more money (BAH/BAS), and you don't have to live in the barracks. If you divorce him and have custody of your daughter...he doesn't get BAH/BAS and has to live in the barracks.
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    #9
    It seems like being in boot camp away from everyone you know makes you nostalgic and just wanting family. I think ones he's out he'll be right back. DH was super lovey and it did change him for good a teeny tiny bit but jut that, a little bit.
  10. MilitarySOS Jewel
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    #10
    I firmly believe people can change and I do think basic has the potential to be a starting point for the kind of change your SO needs to make for you two to work things out....but it cannot stop there.

    For me to even consider entertaining the idea of working on a relationship with someone with an abusive past there would need to be a variety of things in place. It sounds like you two are still married, if he isn't already then he needs to start paying up for child support. I would also want him to try and start talking with the Chaplin about programs or things he can work on both while he is there and after.

    it also wouldn't hurt to looking into the counseling services miitaryonesource.com offers for yourself to talk to someone about dealing with all the emotions your dealing with and will as this continues. If you want to make this work it's going to take time, you need to take things really slow and proceed with caution.
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