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Thread: hoping for the best

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    hoping for the best

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    Apologize for how long this is but I feel its necessaryÖ

    So my Marine (26 yrs) and I (25 yrs) were a couple for 5 years. January 2011 we broke up (prior to his leave to boot camp). It was due to me questioning my love for him, I think commitment got to me, things were getting pretty serious. I know for a fact it had nothing to do with him leaving to boot, which would be later in August of the same year. I didnít think it was fair to be with him if I wasnít having mutual feelings. We split but were still very involved in each otherís life but also let each other do our own thing. Heís my best friend and still cared for him deeply. Although I did end up meeting someone that did not go as far as kissing and hanging out, my intentions were to never to get involved completely with someone. It basically happened to fill a void. But it certainly affected him emotionally even though we were still very close to each other. Months passed after this fling happened. And before I knew it my Marine was leaving to boot. I attended grad in November, and spent the 10-day leave together in our hometown. It had to been the happiest day of my life and I never felt so proud of him. Things were great and my love for him grew and I knew then that he was whom I wanted to spend the rest of my life with. He then was sent to NAS, Pensacola (where he still resides at to this day) for the start of MOS training. My father was able to fly him home for the holidays in December since his schooling wasnít going to start until January and he stayed until the New Year. December was the time I felt things were changing. His feelings were different towards me. Still very caring and loving, yet distant. We had a few arguments mainly about us getting together, and about a few girls that popped into his life once he became a Marine, who claim to have always been friends but Iíve never seen them all 6 years Iíve known him. Jan 2012 marked 1 year that weíve been broken up, and also was when he flew to Florida for MOS training. Weíve had daily contact and everything was fine and dandy. Weíve missed each other so much that we both decided to use our tax return money to fly me over to him in March. Although it was a short 3day trip, we enjoyed each otherís company very much. Of course he was tired but I didnít care cause I was able to be with him. It was probably the worse and hardest goodbye I ever had to do thus far.

    Well here is where it all gets messy. Last week he says his feelings arenít getting stronger that they are actually fading away and he doesnít know why. That ever since we broke up he began to shut me out. He tried to cope with it during boot and thought when he saw me again when he graduated his feelings would start back up but they hadnít and heís been trying ever since to get them back. He says I donít deserve this that I deserve someone who can give me what I want emotionally. And itís best that we stop trying. I told him to keep hope and not say things wont work out but he said that itís hard for him to see a future and think itíll work out because he hasnít had strong feelings for a while. But I canít just stop, if I stop itíd mean I was giving up and thatís nothing I would consider doing. I love him so much that I am willing to wait for him and hope that he regains his feelings. He says the Marines really messed with his head. Does MOS training screw with their head and do things get better afterwards at their PDS? I feel like he is just so stressed, physically and mentally and is kind of forcing himself to have no feelings for me to protect himself and to also protect me. I told him heís not doing me a favor by telling me to walk away. Just like he chose to be in the Marines, I chose to be with him, be in the lifestyle. I completely understand the long-distance and less communication and it would be something i could deal with as long as i knew he was in this as much as i was. Itís worth it all if it means at the end of the day I would be with him, my love. Iíve supported 100% with his decision to be a Marine; heís received so much from my family as well. Everything seemed good. Up until last week we were talking about being mommy and daddy, moving together, and marriage. Iím just so perplexed by this all and I just do not know what to do. I feel like Iím walking on eggshells and whatever I do/donít do or say/donít say will affect the course of us.

    Where we are at right now is, very little communication and when we do it just feels awkward. I feel like I donít know what to say to him anymore and that hurts so bad because he was the one I would confide in for everything. I have a best friend and she doesnít even know most of the things Iíve told him.

    Its not suppose to be this way. I just need some insight, just something to help me out. I wish I could get a straight answer as to why this is happening. I can only be optimistic, itís all I know how to be. I truly believe true love never leaves the heart, and if it was really true love it can come back. There shouldnít be any reason why it canít, other than him not allowing it to come back. My feelings grew when we split and were apart. But this time it just feels different like itís the end and I feel that only because heís not showing much hope. I told him I knew our relationship wasnít going to be a breeze and the time would come to test our love. We both need to stay strong and honest with and for each other in order for this to work out.

    What do you guys think is going on? All these years of love cannot be gone forever right?
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    #2
    First of all welcome to the site!


    Second. I'm not trying to be harsh, but you can't force someone to love you

    Maybe, he feels how you did before and he may be needing space (complete space) from you. Maybe his feelings would come back, maybe they won't. It's a hard situation.
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    thank you!. yes i know i can't force him. I told him that I cant force him to love me again and i cannot remind him why he did in the first place, its up to him to do that, that I can only hope in time it will come back. and he just continues to say that he is trying. I just have a constant worry in my stomach and it makes me sick everyday.

    he's my first love, first boyfriend. i cant just give up.

    he has a few weeks left for this portion of training before he relocates for another 2 months(close to home in CA or stay in FL). i figured if we don't talk/text maybe i could just write him a letter, like how we did in bootcamp. it wasn't consistent and took longer to reply but still let each other know we were live and well and still thought about each other.
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    #4
    I know it sucks, I have been there. What does he mean "he is trying to get his feelings back?" I don't know how that works.

    I'm thinking the best thing to do here would be give him space. Who knows, he may need to do his own thing for a while. I'm sure the stress of "trying to get feelings back" for you isn't helping him.

    Yes, it will suck like hell, but I think it's your best bet at this point.
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    #5
    Quote Originally Posted by avega5 View Post
    thank you!. yes i know i can't force him. I told him that I cant force him to love me again and i cannot remind him why he did in the first place, its up to him to do that, that I can only hope in time it will come back. and he just continues to say that he is trying. I just have a constant worry in my stomach and it makes me sick everyday.

    he's my first love, first boyfriend. i cant just give up.

    he has a few weeks left for this portion of training before he relocates for another 2 months(close to home in CA or stay in FL). i figured if we don't talk/text maybe i could just write him a letter, like how we did in bootcamp. it wasn't consistent and took longer to reply but still let each other know we were live and well and still thought about each other.
    you're saying you understand that you can't force him to love you again, but in that same paragraph he has to tell you that he's trying....imo that is kinda of forcing him try to go back to something that may no longer be there and idk to me it sounds like if he is saying he is tryiing is that you're holding him accountable for trying to find some reason be back in love with you again. If he loved you and wanted to be with you, he wouldn't have to try to do anything. Honestly, i think you should give him total space. Let the ball be in his court. I think honestly he may be waffling because you may be dependent on him for happiness and to be loved and he can't make a clean break without totally hurting you. But in life and love, if its not meant to be, its just not meant to be. IDK if you get the idea that he may have totally fallen out of love with you and may not want to be with you, but i don't think its fair of you to keep dragging him down memory lane and hoping to rekindle something in him that has burnt out and there's no more wick to spark.

    Honestly, he sounds like a great guy that doesn't want to hurt you, but it doesn't sound like he's into you any longer, but you're dragging this out in hopes that he'll have a revelation, but if that doesn't come back, i think thats time lost and energy lost that you both could be putting into your lives or even wiht some one else. Ajd honeestly if you keep asking him if he's trying or keep nudging him, he could come to resent you so much you could lose him as a friend for life. Is he worth losing over because you aren't coming to terms that it takes two to be in love willingly but it won't work if one is calling the shots and keeping hte other one miserable? but good luck.

    i have always liked the motto "if its meant to be let it go....if it comes back to you, its meant to be...if it doesn't come back, it never was yours.
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    Thanks you two. Him trying was his words. All this time I didn't think he was having a problem..last week he blind sided me with all this. Like I mentioned earlier everything had seemed to be going well. I think he isn't sure why it's happening either and that's what he means. He said it may be due to the Corps and being away. So he's finding out why. I know what he means because when it happened to me I was so confused and mad at my self for feeling that way. But with some space I was able to reflect on myself as person and our relationship. We are both trying to make sense of all this. Having each other out of either lives isn't something we want. And nagging him to have hope isn't what I've been doing I told him to have hope for us and all that love never leaves the heart in one conversation. He's aware of how I'm feeling and that I still love him. But he knows it's up to him. I'm willing to wait this out, at least in the end I know I gave my all.

    I was just wondering if this is common in active Marines to do/fell this? My brother was in the Corps and he said it does mess with your head and this is probably the right decision for the time being. That he has so much on his plate right now. I'm such an optimistic. Im well aware that things can never be the same but I also know that there is good chance they can.

    And thanks again! I don't have girlfriends whose significant other is in the Marines or know anything about the Corps.
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    #7
    Quote Originally Posted by avega5 View Post
    Thanks you two. Him trying was his words. All this time I didn't think he was having a problem..last week he blind sided me with all this. Like I mentioned earlier everything had seemed to be going well. I think he isn't sure why it's happening either and that's what he means. He said it may be due to the Corps and being away. So he's finding out why. I know what he means because when it happened to me I was so confused and mad at my self for feeling that way. But with some space I was able to reflect on myself as person and our relationship. We are both trying to make sense of all this. Having each other out of either lives isn't something we want. And nagging him to have hope isn't what I've been doing I told him to have hope for us and all that love never leaves the heart in one conversation. He's aware of how I'm feeling and that I still love him. But he knows it's up to him. I'm willing to wait this out, at least in the end I know I gave my all.

    I was just wondering if this is common in active Marines to do/fell this? My brother was in the Corps and he said it does mess with your head and this is probably the right decision for the time being. That he has so much on his plate right now. I'm such an optimistic. Im well aware that things can never be the same but I also know that there is good chance they can.

    And thanks again! I don't have girlfriends whose significant other is in the Marines or know anything about the Corps.
    Everyone will react differently to different things.

    Stress causes people to act different than they "normally" do. But as said before, everyone reacts differently.
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    I think it was the break up not the military. You broke up with him because you weren't ready for it to be too serious, you can't expect him to always be there. Feelings change he learned to live his life for the past year as not having a relationship with you. You have to understand his side, you made a choice to leave him and not many people can remain good friends so soon after. It seems like you wanted the relationship but without the commitment. Yeah he may be changing some because he enlisted other things are becoming more important in his life. Ultimately you chose to end it and it may be time to move on.
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    IMHO hes looking for excuses to ease the pain of the breakup for you. My ex tried to do this to me as well. He used the airforce and his work load and what not as an excuse as to why it would not work when others make it work every day. I think you need to respect his feelings and try and move on. You are not giving up by doing that. He knows exactly how you feel as im sure you have told him. It took me 8 months to realize this and it hurts less now.
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    Thank you all for your input. Him use to not being in a relationship with me makes sense. But when were physically together, especially when I went to visit him in Florida last month, it didn't seem like that. We were still lovey dovey and acted like bf/gf.

    We had a good conversation on tuesday. He called me through FaceTime while he was doing some homework to say Hi. It was nice for him to take a few minutes out of his homework time to talk. We talked about our day not about feelings. I'm only going to be able to move on when I'm ready. Just taking this day by day.

    Thanks again everyone!
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