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Thread: I really don't know what to do.

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    #1

    Help I really don't know what to do.

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    2 months after DF and I got together I found out that he had sent another girl a message on facebook saying he wished they could go back a year and a half (when he was in a relationship with her) and change everything. He was really drunk at the time and says he didn't even remember doing it. Since then we have been fighting to get past it and get the trust back. When he proposed I thought it was all going to be different. I finally felt like I really was the only one and he was sure about it, but I have to admit there were still residual feelings from the facebook incident.

    I found out last week, right after we got our engagement pictures taken that he did it again. This time to another girl, one that he's never been with and I know he doesn't like. He just said that they could have been good together. He says he doesn't remember that either. I know he was really drunk that night. I don't want to make excuses for him because it was so wrong, but he has a hard time dealing with feelings in the past and the present.

    He doesn't like to talk about his emotions and what's going on. He offered to go to counseling and talk to a therapist about what is going on that led to this happening. He also stopped drinking. I trust him and I know he loves me. He treats me so well and is so caring and loving. It's so confusing for me because I can tell that he cares and yet he could still do that to me twice now. He doesn't see it as cheating but knows it's wrong and I can tell he's devastated.

    I don't know whether to try to work it out. There's no proof that he won't do it to me a third time. However, I don't want to give up on something so good just because of these 2 incidents. I feel like going to counseling and working on his feelings will help him from blocking out emotions and shutting down especially when he drink. Advice? Help? I'm lost right now and I can't even think straight.
    Last edited by TianaKay; 02-24-2012 at 03:49 PM. Reason: Updated
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    #2
    I don't think I could get over something like that. Not because of the actual act, but because of what it means. I don't think your DF is at all ready to get married. It sounds like he already feels "trapped" and his way of expressing that is by imagining what his life would be like if things had been different. I'm sure he loves you very much, but it just doesn't seem like he's going to be a good husband right now. He shouldn't have any regrets, any "what ifs", and the fact that he does should really be something you take the time to think about. I worry that if he's already feeling unsure about his commitment to you now, things will only get worse after you get married.

    I hope you can figure this out...it's a terrible position to be put in
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    #3
    Quote Originally Posted by TianaKay View Post
    2 months after DF and I got together I found out that he had sent another girl a message on facebook saying he wished they could go back a year and a half (when he was in a relationship with her) and change everything. He was really drunk at the time and says he didn't even remember doing it. Since then we have been fighting to get past it and get the trust back. When he proposed I thought it was all going to be different. I finally felt like I really was the only one and he was sure about it, but I have to admit there were still residual feelings from the facebook incident.

    I found out last week, right after we got our engagement pictures taken that he did it again. This time to another girl, one that he's never been with and I know he doesn't like. He just said that they could have been good together. He says he doesn't remember that either. I know he was really drunk that night. I don't want to make excuses for him because it was so wrong, but he has a hard time dealing with feelings in the past and the present.

    He doesn't like to talk about his emotions and what's going on. He offered to go to counseling and talk to a therapist about what is going on that led to this happening. He also stopped drinking. I trust him and I know he loves me. He treats me so well and is so caring and loving. It's so confusing for me because I can tell that he cares and yet he could still do that to me twice now. He doesn't see it as cheating but knows it's wrong and I can tell he's devastated.

    I don't know whether to try to work it out. There's no proof that he won't do it to me a third time. However, I don't want to give up on something so good just because of these 2 incidents. I feel like going to counseling and working on his feelings will help him from blocking out emotions and shutting down especially when he drink. Advice? Help? I'm lost right now and I can't even think straight.
    - I am sorry you are having to deal with this hurt.
    Well, the only advice I have to offer is IF you decide to try to work through this it needs to be resolved completely before you take any further steps on the engagement/marraige -- that (engagement/marriage) needs to be put on hold, for your own sake. There are really two things that need to be addressed, imo, his issues (for which I think he needs to seek one-on-one assistance) and the impact that they have had on your relationship (for which couple's type assistance would be in order).
    Ultimately, you need to look out for yourself first and formost.
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    Quote Originally Posted by ZivaD View Post
    - I am sorry you are having to deal with this hurt.
    Well, the only advice I have to offer is IF you decide to try to work through this it needs to be resolved completely before you take any further steps on the engagement/marraige -- that (engagement/marriage) needs to be put on hold, for your own sake. There are really two things that need to be addressed, imo, his issues (for which I think he needs to seek one-on-one assistance) and the impact that they have had on your relationship (for which couple's type assistance would be in order).
    Ultimately, you need to look out for yourself first and formost.
    I feel like couples counseling would really help us in addition to his going alone, but we are in a LDR making that virtually impossible and even more difficult to work this all out.
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    #5
    I don't think counseling would hurt, but I personally would not be able to move past that.

    Two things come to mind. One is the saying "drunk words are sober thoughts." I don't buy that this has happened twice and he has no recollection of either event. I'm not one to excuse drunken behavior anyway though, it's not like when you're drunk you forget entire details of your life lol. Does he think he's single when he's drunk or something? I just don't think that should excuse saying inappropriate things to other girls.

    Also, maybe he isn't ready to settle down. He may want to settle down, but he might not be mature enough yet. I don't think my husband was tbh. We thought so at the time obviously but I'm positive we'd be happier together if we would have held off a while on getting engaged/married/living together. If he's still thinking about other girls when he's drunk and telling them about it, perhaps he isn't ready to completely give up his freedom to be with other girls.

    I would definitely try counseling, I dont know that I'd leave. There are tons of things that could be going on in his head, if you can find the root of it and fix it then maybe you can get past it. I would be extremely hurt by his actions, but it could still be worth forgiving and fixing. I just dont expect it to be easy.
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    #6
    Quote Originally Posted by Moxie View Post
    I don't think I could get over something like that. Not because of the actual act, but because of what it means. I don't think your DF is at all ready to get married. It sounds like he already feels "trapped" and his way of expressing that is by imagining what his life would be like if things had been different. I'm sure he loves you very much, but it just doesn't seem like he's going to be a good husband right now. He shouldn't have any regrets, any "what ifs", and the fact that he does should really be something you take the time to think about. I worry that if he's already feeling unsure about his commitment to you now, things will only get worse after you get married.

    I hope you can figure this out...it's a terrible position to be put in
    That's exactly how I feel. I know he loves me, but if he's subconsciously having those feelings how can he really want to be with me. I honestly don't even know if he does think that or if he does I don't think he's accepted it. Do you think him seeing a counselor/therapist will help?
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    Him seeing a counselor COULD help, because it seems like he wants to change. However, I don't think his behavior has anything to do with you or y'all relationship. It is about him and him only. He is not ready to commit and counseling won't change that. Counseling could help him figure out his behavior and maybe help him to stop it, but only time will make him ready for a commitment this big. I can't say that I would leave, because I have stayed in a relationship through stuff like this (it didn't work out so well), but I think that you should step back and let him handle this.
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    Is it bad what he did? Yes...do I think you should go your seperate ways? Maybe...I went through something similar when Dh was deployed but it was for naked pictures..instead of giving up on my marriage we did everything we could to make it work including talking to someone...we now 100% happy and have worked out al most all of our issues.

    If you truly love someone your going to try everything you can to make it work. Now if he had sex with these girls then I would say to run
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    I'm a Libra to the core so I can always see both sides of a situation.

    I'm not so cut throat when it comes to mistakes. Everyone makes them. Just because he loves you and wants to make you his wife, it doesn't mean that it's wrong of him to put things in perspective and make sure this is the right decision (though he should have done that privately before asking you to marry him).

    On the other hand, the two Facebook messages are things he got caught doing. I don't want to make you paranoid or make you feel bad but what if there are things you don't know about?

    It's a tough situation and only you know what you'll forgive and what are dealbreakers for you.

    Good luck.
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    #10
    how exactly did you find out? Did he openly tell you or did you go through his facebook?

    im sorry you are dealing with this. I have been in a similar situation with a guy i dated for two years. It made me super insecure and feel that I wasn't good enough for him... which in reality, it had nothing to do with me. I knew that if i stayed with him, i would always feel like he wanted more and would be thinking of someone else. But who knows- if he is willing to go to counseling then that shows he is wanting to change and be good for you.
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