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Thread: Its over but not?

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    #1

    Its over but not?

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    So. recap as fast as i can. last month he has been questioning whether i'm the best for him. wanting to see options. we've fought. decided on a break. got back together. then he blew up at me and we broke up. and then he wanted me back. and i let him. i've been on a rollercoaster of emotions and thoughts and been a few times i couldnt handle even thinking about him and then onto not being able to think about anything but him. and i realized in that time that i do love him. but now i'm questioning the relationship. cuz he really hurt me and whatnot. but. now. i found out in that little time we were broken up. i was hoping he would say something like he realized just how good he has it with me and i'm the best yada yada yada. however, while he was waiting for me to message him(which is stupid in itself cuz he was the one who broke it) i found out he was messaging old high school girls and girls in his area and his buddy(another thread of mine in venting) were working on getting him a rebound girl. he told me from his own mouth. with no responses. and i asked why, and he goes why would i want to be alone? with nobody to talk to or get some from. if he isnt with anybody wtf is he doing?(that was the exact last quote)
    so. up to this point. i had made this decision: in my last few months of being a college student i would rather have him be there like this(rather than heartbroken and pining for him and wait to see him in May to see how things went with us. (i was planning on asking if after he was out of the army in 2 years if he was still going to be looking at his other options, cuz i was not s gonna wait for him while he was deployed if he did that) (deploys in july)
    and after i just found out this information. i realized. i'm not the best option for him because he came to that conclusion cuz he loves me.. he came to that conclusion by default because he couldnt get himself a rebound chick. (btw, that is not how i think at all. when i thought it was over with us for good, i couldnt do anything but think about him, and pine for him and to be with him and everything and couldnt imagine myself with anybody else. and at this point i still cant imagine myself with anybody else)
    so.. i want to cry because i know its not going to work out between us at all it seems.. but i still have that hope he'll see his stupidity.
    so i'm thinking of using him til he deploys. it might seem harsh. but with all teh shit and playing he has done to me, it isnt that bad. in that time i can start to move on to my being single.
    i'm still heartbroken over not being with him because i do really love him..
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    #2
    I'm sorry you're going through this, but IMHO using him until he deploys doesn't really sound like the healthiest thing for either of you. But that's JMO. Good luck!
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    #3
    Quote Originally Posted by mel524 View Post
    I'm sorry you're going through this, but IMHO using him until he deploys doesn't really sound like the healthiest thing for either of you. But that's JMO. Good luck!
    i'd rather have him. like this. giving time to slowly get over him.
    than stopping it all now. and struggling with my school and emotions.
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    #4
    Quote Originally Posted by rija0701 View Post
    i'd rather have him. like this. giving time to slowly get over him.
    than stopping it all now. and struggling with my school and emotions.
    First off I'm sorry you are going through this.

    Maybe I missed something but how does one give up someone slowly when they still think of them as their boyfriend? Even if you drag it out or rip it off fast like a band aid it's going to hurt the same so why make the pain last longer. Also IMO why would you want to go down to his level by using him? Two wrongs don't make a right. I know it is hard to let someone go but from what I read it sounds like it is whats best for both of you.
    I hope whatever you decide things get better for you.
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    #5
    Quote Originally Posted by lindsayinslc View Post
    First off I'm sorry you are going through this.

    Maybe I missed something but how does one give up someone slowly when they still think of them as their boyfriend? Even if you drag it out or rip it off fast like a band aid it's going to hurt the same so why make the pain last longer. Also IMO why would you want to go down to his level by using him? Two wrongs don't make a right. I know it is hard to let someone go but from what I read it sounds like it is whats best for both of you.
    I hope whatever you decide things get better for you.
    Well said. And IMO ripping off a band aid is much better than slowly pulling it off...
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    #6
    Don't "use him until he deploys." It's only going to make it hurt worse when he deploys or breaks up with you for good.
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    #7
    Quote Originally Posted by lindsayinslc View Post
    First off I'm sorry you are going through this.

    Maybe I missed something but how does one give up someone slowly when they still think of them as their boyfriend? Even if you drag it out or rip it off fast like a band aid it's going to hurt the same so why make the pain last longer. Also IMO why would you want to go down to his level by using him? Two wrongs don't make a right. I know it is hard to let someone go but from what I read it sounds like it is whats best for both of you.
    I hope whatever you decide things get better for you.
    Very well said.

    Honestly OP what you're doing is going to make it that much harder on you in the long run. It's not fair to either of you to do things that way.
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    #8
    Quote Originally Posted by lindsayinslc View Post
    First off I'm sorry you are going through this.

    Maybe I missed something but how does one give up someone slowly when they still think of them as their boyfriend? Even if you drag it out or rip it off fast like a band aid it's going to hurt the same so why make the pain last longer. Also IMO why would you want to go down to his level by using him? Two wrongs don't make a right. I know it is hard to let someone go but from what I read it sounds like it is whats best for both of you.
    I hope whatever you decide things get better for you.
    part of it is i've gotten my life so engrossed in him. iwant to start being my own person. and ot show him that i can. its kinda a 'in defiance of' attitude..
    instead of if i was on my own. it would be harder to have that attitude for myself..

    using him sounds bad in a way.. but it would destroy me completely and ruin my college years. i graduate in less than 2 months if i can. i dont think i could being constantly thinking bout him..
    and. i get to see him in may. and i have that little bit of hope he will see reason and recommit himself to me.. without influence from his buddy.
    and after that. i'll actually have support system around me. regardless if he is deployed and i'm waiting or if we are over..
    and in these next two months i'm seeing a counselor to help to get myself back..

    i want the time for the chance for it to somehow fix itself.. i know i'm pushing a brick wall. but i feel like i push hard enough it'll budge..
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    #9
    OP I can understand why you would think in a way this might help you but IMO I don't think it will. You said that you don't want to miss him during the next to month but I think you know that pretending is not going to make those feelings go away. If you know this is not going to work (which is what you mentioned) you are only making it worse for yourself. My advise is to focus on yourself, see the counseler you where talking about and concentrate on finishing school. Then IF in May you get to see him and IF he wants to recommit himself to you you can then make a decision.
    From what you wrote it sounds as if you might have given a bit to much of yourself to this relationship and I know how that can go from my own experience. Take care of yourself and making you happy. Good luck girl we are all here for you when you need us.







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    #10
    OP I really don't think this sounds like a good idea. What if he does come back in May and tries to make things right? Can you really trust him? I would have a hard time personally - if he's letting his friends ruin his relationships then he doesn't have a good character. You don't want to always have to worry about if he's allowing bad influences in his life. And then him telling you that he can't be single and he NEEDS a girl but it doesn't really matter which girl - wouldn't you always be wondering if he's with you because as you say you're the best, or if he just wants SOMEONE there?

    The whole thing sounds very unhealthy.

    I ended a three year relationship during my last year of undergrad, right before finals week. I did fine, I just told myself that university was the most important thing and I'll be damned if I'm going to let some guy have a permanent effect on my education. You can do this.
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