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Thread: Is it time to let go?

  1. Senior Member
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    #1

    Is it time to let go?

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    thanks for the help laddiess.
    Last edited by Chomper.; 04-07-2011 at 04:06 PM. Reason: we are working it out.
  2. MilitarySOS Jewel
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    #2
    I'm sorry you're in such a tough situation. DB and I have lived together for 6 months and sound like you. We are pretty much engaged (we know when we want to get married) but it's not official. Adjusting to living together doesn't happen over night. You're two different people. And yes, there are definitely things that you start to find annoying, I think that's normal. When DB comes home he drops his crap right in the middle of the living room floor or strips his pants off and leaves them right in the middle of the floor, it drives me . But it shouldn't get to the point IMO where you are fighting all the time and you resent each other.

    I can say I honestly love living with him. It's helped us for the better and for every con (annoying habit) there are a million pros. The resentment and his clinginess don't sound healthy IMO. But maybe there is something you can do to work through it? Ask yourself where the resentment is coming from. Is it because you REALLY weren't ready to move in and he talked you into it? Now you regret it? Is it being away from your family and he's gone? Either way you NEED to communicate and try to work through those things and hopefully the resentment and clinginess will subside. If not, I personally wouldn't stay in a relationship like that.

    And just because you talked about marriage doesn't mean you are on a path set in stone. If DB and I started fighting a lot and I started to have doubts I would tell him right then and there that we need to take a few steps back. It doesn't have to be an all or nothing though. Living together is a big commitment, but marriage is an even greater commitment. Don't rush. Take this time to work out your issues - marriage will not make them go away. If you can't work them out then that is how you know it's time to end it (IMO). Good luck OP!
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    #3
    Quote Originally Posted by crazypasta View Post
    For those who were in a long term relationship and ended it, when was the point that you knew it was over? I'm struggling because this is the first very serious relationship I've been and sometimes it's hard to tell whether we have normal problems and if we just plow through, things will get better.

    We've been living together for about a year now and probably for about six months we have been talking about getting married (to the point where we called each other engaged, etc though not formally). But now, I can't think of anything I'd rather not do at this point in my life. I suppose that's a huge red flag in it's own right.

    This is not a revelation that happened overnight. It's been creeping up on us. We started fighting more and more. All the little things I used to find cute, I now find annoying. There is so much tension between us that I can hardly stand it. Trying to fix things or talking it out, though, doesn't work. Part of the problem with that is me just questioning whether I even want to be with him and not being sure I even want to put in the effort of fixing things.

    I do love him but I don't love the life I have with him. I resent him for a few things and as I get more distant, he is getting more jealous, more controlling and clingy. I hardly have 2 minutes away from him to think.

    I know some stranger on a forum won't be able to offer me a magic solution, I'm not dumb. I just feel alone and I don't know what to do. I live 3000 miles from my home/family, so it's not like I can just go there for the night or week to think it out.

    Has anybody faced these problems and made it through, or did you find that despite the grief and heartbreak, it was better all around to just let go? I am so confused.

    Feel free to ask any questions, I'm usually not very clear, lol.
    After rereading your post I have a few more things to add. The first bolded makes it seem like you're emotionally/mentally done with working through things. If you don't have the fight it's going to make it very hard to work through it so if that's the case if I were you I would probably say it's the end. But you said this is your first relationship, just keep in mind that sometimes that can taint your perspective on things. Relationships are WORK. Not in a bad way, but don't think that the grass will necessarily be greener on the other side, KWIM?

    To the second bolded: You say you love him but you don't love your life with him. Can you clarify that a little? It might help. Is it his job? The military? The lifestyle? Is he holding you back from something?
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    #4
    It's hard to tell sometimes but it can be emotionally and mentally draining to argue and resent each other..I know how you feel about being so far away from your family and not being able to just go to them for help..I have been in that situation in my first year of marriage it was so crazy...I basically wanted to give up and go home which is 7000 some miles away from where I'm at and I have to fly over seas to do that...We pulled through it but it was very difficult of course...What has he done to you that makes you resent him?
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    #5
    From your post you are at a turning point. things could potentially get better from here. however you seem to be starting to emotionally distancing yourself from the relationship.

    I think you should sit down with DB and tell him that you are feeling emotionally drained. while it is possible to work through this with compramises.
    I think you and him should first focus on living together harmoniously, and than if you still feel the same way once there is more peace in your household situation than it is likely time to end the relationship.
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    #6
    I went through this.

    We were together 8 months then we moved in together. After a few months I started to get scared. I didnt want this life forever and I kept thinking I was really young (we were 19) and I thought about all the other people out there what if I just thought this was the person I was supposed to be with? And so we started fighting a lot and I started pulling away emotionally. An ex got in contact with me and I started talking to him again behind DF (then DB) back. DF found out from the ex who made it sound wayyy worse than it was and almost ended our entire relationship.

    Almost losing him really made it sink in that I loved him in this moment and that this life wasnt always going to be my life. It would change and even if we werent meant to be together I loved him more than anyone else right now. I was thrown out of my fog and we worked on things and now our relationship is way better and I have a new kind of love for him than I had before we lived together.
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    #7
    edited.
    Last edited by Chomper.; 04-07-2011 at 04:06 PM.
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    #8
    I experienced this same feeling with exDB. We didn't live together, but everything else sounds a lot like our relationship.

    Everything was great before he deployed. While he was gone, he was very possessive and jealous. He would get upset if I wanted to have any kind of fun with my friends. I decided to let it slide, because he was away and under stress. I was still so excited for him to come home. We had talked about getting married. When he came back, I felt totally different about him.

    Everything he did suddenly annoyed me. The way he talked to me like he knew exactly what I was thinking before I even had a chance. How he made little comments about my friends. Just the way he said certain words annoyed me. I think I resented him for trying to hold me back. Somehow, I held on thinking that things would get better. There were a few huge fights, and a lot of stupid arguments over nothing. I waited 9 months after he got back from deployment before I couldn't take it anymore. He was controlling and smothering, and I felt trapped. I decided to finally get out of the relationship. I knew that I could feel better with someone else. I know relationships take work, but they take work together. My resentment toward him lead me to not want to work for our relationship, and it was obvious that we weren't right for each other. I'm so glad I ended it with him. He's a great person on his own, but not the type of person I want to be in a relationship with.

    I'm so much happier now. I learned from that relationship what I definitely don't want in a man. I've found someone who is what I want and need. It's taken a little getting used to, because he's not possessive and clingy like exDB, but I see so many good things about our relationship that I didn't see with exDB.

    Each situation is unique though, and you probably know deep down what is best for you. That's what you need to do. Do what's right for you, and the rest will work itself out.
    Camster is the best wifey ever
  9. Fur/Feather/Scale Momma
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    #9
    I think it really depends on both the people in the situation... It sounds like you are getting to the point where you are just tired of dealing with him. I have only had long term relationships... shortest one being 9 months since High School and I'm a grad student now. So I have some experience in this.

    My last bf I loved him... but soon it got to the point where exactly what you said... things he does becomes irritating, I would ask him to do something to help out with the relationship or stop doing something and you know he would either not do it or make it worse and that to me just screamed no good. And sure we had talked marriage and stuff... I think almost any couple does especially when your older and during the honey moon phase so I wouldn't be too worried about that really holding water... I think its relatively common. With the past 6 years of relationships (3 diff guys) I have talked seriously about it with each one and I'm not haunted by it at all.

    But any ways... I just pushed this past DB off to the side saying you know I love him yadda yadda but it got to the point where I literally COULD NOT STAND HIM. I had found out he was using my friends to spy on me, he was being more critical on me going out and all the like. Finally I was so angry with him and got to the point where I didn't care that I blew off his birthday didn't even remember and I said it was cause I was stressed and I really was (I had a big internship with the NATIONAL ZOO! and we were really busy analyzing as well as I had my grad school sneaking up) and he told me stress wasn't an excuse any more and that was my breaking point! I told him I can't deal with this any more I am done I'm entering into a stressful time and clearly you can't support me and you only add more stress.

    So that being said... if you are really contemplating it here are your options I see: a) continue like nothing is wrong until either you two a1)find a compromise and become happy and realize bad things are just silly to worry about or a2) fight to the point where it is REALLY going to hurt both of you when you have an explosive break up which could divide friends disolve friendships and just all in all suck like a lot more or b) have a SERIOUS talk with him, tell him you are really thinking this isn't going to work and that maybe you two are better off seeing other people. I always told exDB's you never know what could happen, you know if it was meant to be it was meant to be and we'll find each other again if so but for now... I think it is best we split before the break up becomes violent and hurtful. My last breakup was VERY violent and hurtful (not physical just ALOT of mental cutdowns) and well I wish I would have stepped up to the plate earlier and discussed before it got like this.

    Either way and good luck I think its great you are thinking about addressing the situation now before it progresses. And if you do decide to break up and see what happens. Distance yourself from him for a few weeks. The regret phase can be really sneaky, you are def going to miss him no matter what for a little bit but if it seems really ridiculous that you can't get over him then maybe you two just do need each other.

    Ok I'm done I hope that helped!

    Fur/feather momma to Zeus, Inky, Doodle, and Hermes
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    #10
    Thanks for all the thoughtful replies in this thread.

    I really think we are going to make it through. We took a step back and have been examining things in our relationship that make it not happy and I feel like things are changing. I feel a lot different then I did a few weeks ago and feel like I'm looking at the whole situation in a new light and it's amazing the difference that kind of positivity makes!
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