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  1. IBelongtoaSailor's Avatar
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    #1

    Questions???

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    I have a fiance but I just had some quetions that may (or may not) help with some of my decisions.

    My man hasnt showed any signs that he would cheat (we have been together 2 years) nor is he abusive. I dont consider him a dirt bag even if he irritates the crap out of me sometimes. But I have always had trust issues with people so reading a lot of the posts on here just reaffirms my negative thoughts....

    I have read many posts that say that their exes cheated or were abusive or were just dirt bags after they married them. I guess my question(s) is why would you marry a guy like this? Did he change after you got married? or did you just think you could change him? and does this affect your dating/ the way you view men after?

    Lots and lots of questions...if only you could google the answer
  2. be silly. be honest. be kind.
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    #2
    There's a lot of positive posts on this site too, engagements, marriages, love letters...you name it. Just keep in mind that good comes with the bad

    People who are abusive (mentally, verbally, physically, etc.) don't always reveal their abusive side at the beginning of a relationship. And because this is a support site for military SOs, some of the occurrences to which you're referring could be due to PTSD and other combat-related stress.
    Also, something I've had to come to terms with lately myself is that everybody has bad to them. Relationships (with friends, family, or SOs) aren't always happy, or smiley, or constructive. Even long-term marriages, though while the couple love each other, will have very bad moments. Such is life.

    "The purpose of life is not to simply be happy. It is to be useful, to be honorable, to be compassionate, to have it make some difference that you have lived and lived well."
    - Ralph Waldo Emerson

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    #3
    I'm not married so no experience to share.

    Do you know where your worry comes from? Is he giving you warning signs or have you experienced/seen tumultuousness relationships?

    I understand that the unknown is scary
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    #4
    Quote Originally Posted by IBelongtoaSailor View Post
    I have a fiance but I just had some quetions that may (or may not) help with some of my decisions.

    My man hasnt showed any signs that he would cheat (we have been together 2 years) nor is he abusive. I dont consider him a dirt bag even if he irritates the crap out of me sometimes. But I have always had trust issues with people so reading a lot of the posts on here just reaffirms my negative thoughts....

    I have read many posts that say that their exes cheated or were abusive or were just dirt bags after they married them. I guess my question(s) is why would you marry a guy like this? Did he change after you got married? or did you just think you could change him? and does this affect your dating/ the way you view men after?

    Lots and lots of questions...if only you could google the answer
    I have always always been really lucky when it comes to my boyfriends (and now DH). None have cheated on me, none have been abusive, none have assaulted me etc.

    BUT just because they were like that with me doesn't mean they were with all their other girlfriends. And there is no way I could have known before if they would have changed had I married anyone of them (and DH has not of which again I am extremely lucky I think).

    How women go from an abusive like dating relationship to marriage where that is actively happening I will never know or understand. I won't pretend to know or understand. All I know is you just NEVER know how your significant other will be from one year to the next. That is I guess a risk you take.
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    #5
    I don't believe that people change that drastically before and after marriage (PTSD is another story). I think in most abusive relationships a woman (or man) will ignore those big red flags early on and then they try to make excuses for their significant other.

    I also speak from experience. I would ignore things and later those little things became big things, but I kept telling myself I could change him. I'm so glad I got therapy and started to love myself because now I'm in a very healthy relationship.
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    #6
    Heres my two cents... since I've been in the types of relationships you are most worried about:


    Hind sight is 20/20 and I learned from the signs and now I've got a good handle on what to watch out for, plus since the time I met these guys I've gotten an education in social work, have taken an emphasis in domestic violence, family and child welfare and chemical dependency.... so I feel much better prepared.

    That and I set super high standards by the time I met and settled down with DF.

    18 months seemed to be their breaking points, and you've passed that with ur DF... they weren't saints until then either. Rude, vulgar, sometimes down right mean in their joking, controlling, both of em tended to pick fights so that they could storm out and be gone for a week...ugh LOSERS. There is always a build, its not like one day they wake up abusing... look into the signs of an abusive relationship and see if there would be anything to be concerned about. If you're happy and your SO is wonderful thus far; I wouldn't worry...cross the bridge when you get to it, if ever!!! But you can google signs of an abusive relationship



    Best of luck
    Last edited by AwwSnail; 03-16-2011 at 06:16 PM. Reason: too much details!!!
  7. ...and carry a towel.
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    #7
    Sometimes, when I read the horror stories on MSOS, I get really scared too. And every, EVERY time when women talk about the symptoms of assholness in their SOs, I always find a small straw to get hung up on and go "Oh, shit, he did this once too... or could have done it, if this conversation went on... or will perhaps, maybe, do it in the future... Oh My Gawd! "

    It takes me a while to step back and remind myself that, in fact, DF has given me no reason to think he's anything but a sweet (if a bit spiky at times ), wonderful, caring, diligent, loving and faithful man, and I'm chasing the ghosts of my own fears. And next time, next break-up or abuse story, I'm back there, seeing problem where there are none .

    As to your question of why women stay with men who abuse them, cheat on them, or are dirtbags, and will even marry such men... Reasons are many and various. In abuse cases, the cause often isc a feeling of helplessness, guilt and being trapped; the abuse victim comes to believe it's their fault, and keep trying to be what the abuser wants. In cheating cases, I guess some women thing they're still the one "he comes home to", or perhaps it was just a mistake. In general dirtbag cases... often we hope we can change the person; sometimes we're just so close to the situation, we don't really see it for what it is. And so on. Many people, many situations, many reasons.

    People aren't perfect. And it's easy to say "I would never, I can never understand..." I understand all those things. I've seen, studied, read on, and talked to people in abusive relationships. I should be SO aware of the symptoms, I should be all but immune, I would never let it happen... I was stuck in a brutal emotionally abusive relationship for 3 years. And yes, I was VERY convinced it was all my fault. Abusers are so good at warping reality that sometimes all the knowledge of the world won't help you.

    Did the experience affect my dating? Made me damn determined I'm never going to make apologies for who I am again. I am who I am, take me or leave me. I also made sure to look for a man who knew how to say "I'm sorry", and would readily do so, if he is wrong. And above and beyond all, I looked for a man who respects me and values me.
  8. Quis custodiet ipsos custodes?
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    #8
    I was in two pretty bad relationships. My first serious boyfriend put his hands on me. He didn't start doing it until about six months into the relationship. It took me a long time to leave because I thought I could change him, it was my fault that he was hitting me, etc.

    The second relationship he was an alcoholic, and was very manipulative but not really abusive. Again I thought he would change ... and instead he got worse over time.

    It colored me reactions a little. The second one stole from me and squandered our money. So after I got out of the relationship I decided I was NEVER going to put up with someone financially irresponsible again. Honestly it would be a dealbreaker for me if someone was bad with money. I know that probably sounds cold to a lot of people, but that's how I feel. If I got into a marriage I want a partnership of equals, I don't want to be mommy to a little boy and have to give him an allowance.

    Luckily enough it didn't really change the way I viewed men, I have always tried to find the best in people. Specific things bother me but I managed to keep my faith in humanity.
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    #9
    when I married ex number 1- I was 18 and he did not show very many signs he would be abusive- ues there were signs- but I did not see them- or know at 18 to look for them-
    I treid for 9 yrs to make it work and listened to his lies all that time-

    number 2- actually did not show any and I mean ANY sgns he would be abusive until he night we got married- when he put me up against the wall by my throat and threatened to kill my children if I ever tried to leave- it took 9 months to get out of that marriage- my kids are both alive and well-
    then I went to therapy- seriously- I needed to change - I needed to find out why I felt it was my due to have guys like that-

    then there is DH number 3- he is my best friend- my soul mate- he has never raised his voice to me- has never said a mean thing to me- seriously would die for me-
    we have been together almost 15 yrs-
    he makes me a better person by loving me unconditioally-

    I have never stayed with anyone who cheated- and in this marriage even after saying everything wonderful about DH- I would not stay with him if he cheated on me.
  10. IBelongtoaSailor's Avatar
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    #10
    Thanks everyone for your insights and stories. I think my mind just gets to working like ChoasTheory said and I start freaking myself out. My dad was abusive to my mom and verbally abusive to me. I just recently learned that I was actually worth something thanks to my fiance. I had two other previous relationships that were bad, one the guy was a dirtbag that lied all the time! He was one of those people that would lie about his name if you didnt know what it really was. And he was my first so that was bad and he cheated on me at the end (and probably during) our relationship. Then the second was just a smooth talking playboy so we werent ever together but he kinda strung me along.

    I guess I just never trust people to stick around. I have always pushed people away because I know they will leave and it will hurt less if I expect it (which isnt true). But my fiance is a good man and we are young so we both have issues and we are both growing. We have come a long way in maturing and finding out who we are. I just have to keep reminding myself that there's a chance with any person I am with that they could hurt me, but there is also a chance that I was blessed with finding my soulmate. Its just a chance I'll have to take!

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