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Thread: Taking a step back.

  1. The Decider
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    #1

    Taking a step back.

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    I don't know if this is a break or the real deal, though I'm leaning toward the latter.

    The short version is that he needs to work on himself right now and it's gotten to the point where it is no longer healthy for me to help him. He stopped medication about three weeks ago. He hasn't been to counseling in nearly two months. He has become increasingly verbally and emotionally abusive, and yesterday he came into my workplace screaming and cursing at me because of a misunderstanding.

    I do love him, even though I might not always like him. But I can't handle the ups and downs. Friday we were making homemade pasta together and talking about getting engagement photos done. Saturday he stormed into my office and was an absolute embarrassment.

    A part of me feels somewhat guilty - that this is a manifestation of his mental health issues and I am somehow failing him by giving up or stepping back. The other part of me is winning right now, and I can't help him if he won't help himself.

    So I'm taking a step back in the relationship arena for now. I'm taking some time to cultivate myself and concentrate on school, as both of those arenas have been left alone for quite some time because this relationship has required all my energy.

    At this point, I'm thinking we will probably revisit things a month or two down the road and see if he has made any steps toward seeking help, but I'll be honest - I'm not optimistic. He has failed to see he has a problem thus far. I think he feels that since he directs most of his anger toward me, I am the cause of it. I'm interested to see how long it will take him to recognize that's not the case.

    He is coming to pick up his bed and the rest of his things later this week. I'm definitely glad I hung on to the mattress that the previous owners left behind!

    The decision was made yesterday, and he's definitely made things easy. He hasn't been civil by any stretch of the imagination, which has made my goal of no tears a lot easier to achieve.
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  2. cuz i'm wonderful
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    #2
    Quote Originally Posted by LittleRed View Post
    I don't know if this is a break or the real deal, though I'm leaning toward the latter.

    The short version is that he needs to work on himself right now and it's gotten to the point where it is no longer healthy for me to help him. He stopped medication about three weeks ago. He hasn't been to counseling in nearly two months. He has become increasingly verbally and emotionally abusive, and yesterday he came into my workplace screaming and cursing at me because of a misunderstanding.

    I do love him, even though I might not always like him. But I can't handle the ups and downs. Friday we were making homemade pasta together and talking about getting engagement photos done. Saturday he stormed into my office and was an absolute embarrassment.

    A part of me feels somewhat guilty - that this is a manifestation of his mental health issues and I am somehow failing him by giving up or stepping back. The other part of me is winning right now, and I can't help him if he won't help himself.

    So I'm taking a step back in the relationship arena for now. I'm taking some time to cultivate myself and concentrate on school, as both of those arenas have been left alone for quite some time because this relationship has required all my energy.

    At this point, I'm thinking we will probably revisit things a month or two down the road and see if he has made any steps toward seeking help, but I'll be honest - I'm not optimistic. He has failed to see he has a problem thus far. I think he feels that since he directs most of his anger toward me, I am the cause of it. I'm interested to see how long it will take him to recognize that's not the case.

    He is coming to pick up his bed and the rest of his things later this week. I'm definitely glad I hung on to the mattress that the previous owners left behind!

    The decision was made yesterday, and he's definitely made things easy. He hasn't been civil by any stretch of the imagination, which has made my goal of no tears a lot easier to achieve.
    To the bolded: That's the truest statement you can ever make. You very well know you can't change people.

    I'm really sorry, love. I know how much you love him, I have seen that in the threads that you've made about the ups and downs of your relationship. I really hope he finds the help he needs. I know that it is hard to walk away from a relationship when you know that it's the war's fault and not his, but at the same time, it isn't fair to you to stay in an emotionally abusive relationship simply because he's mentally ill. It's not weakness to walk away, especially since he thinks its your fault. It's not your fault. He needs to learn that, as you said.

    I know we haven't talked much, but if it does any good, I support your decision.
  3. I'm sorry for the things I said when I was hungry.
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    I'm sorry for the things I said when I was hungry.
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    #3
    you are NOT a failure for walking away from a broken relationship.

    i'm here if you need me and i'm SO proud of you for finding this strength.




  4. Señor Member
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    #4

    be cool.
  5. MilitarySOS Jewel
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    #5
    I'm sorry. I know this is hard for you. As someone who suffers from mental illness, among other things, I can see both sides. I've been guilty of taking my issues out on people who are close to me (and people who aren't), but I am learning that just because I have problems, it is not a pass to treat people shabbily. So, I guess what I am trying to say is that you should not feel guilty for putting yourself and your happiness first. You have to take care of yourself before you can take care of someone else.

    Again, I'm sorry you are going through this. If you'd like to talk, you can PM me.
  6. “Laugh as much as you breathe & love as long as you live"
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    #6
    I'm so sorry you're having to deal with this tough situation. I hope things get better for you and for him, together or not.






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  7. Senior Member
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    #7
    I agree with Whitney. I'm so proud of you. I know this is hard for you and has been an ongoing battle. You are NOT a failure and you are NOT failing him. I hope you find peace in your decision.
  8. 1/2 hippie, 1/2 diva... all Jersey
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    #8
    I want you to know that my heart is breaking for you right now. But at the same time, I'm so proud of you for standing up for yourself and demanding better for your life and those in it. You're right, its his issue and he's the only one who can fix the problem.

    Wish there was more I could say. I'm here for you if you need me.

    www.SnarkyFit.com
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    #9
    I know this decision could not have been easy for you to make. Although it is a painful choice, it is a smart one. I hope that he gets on track and gets the help that he really needs. Big hugs to you!
  10. Don't ever settle for less than you deserve.
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