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Thread: I have no clue what I'm doing!

  1. Junior Member
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    #1

    I have no clue what I'm doing!

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    I have no idea how to “date”! LOL
    Last summer, my husband of almost 20 years and I decided to call it quits. Actually, I was the one to call it quits because I couldn’t handle everything that went on anymore (finances, constant lies, attitudes etc). I haven’t been happy for years, but figured I could stick it out, we tried counseling but it never really helped. So when, last summer, he decided he wanted a girlfriend, I finally had a good reason to pull the plug.

    We are both honestly better off. We still live together, because of financial reasons, but the divorce should be final this summer, I should be able to move into my own apartment in May. He is already “engaged” to his girlfriend and they basically want to get married as soon as the ink on our divorce degree is dry. Honestly, I am not bitter. I know I will be better off, of course it’ll be hard with the children, but they are older and we will make it work. He might have been a shitty husband, but he is a great dad.

    Anyway, here is my main problem.
    I’ve honestly never even considered going straight into another serious relationship, my husband wasn’t my first sex partner, but he was my first real relationship. So I thought, well, if I meet someone, fine, if not, fine as well, I am so busy all the time anyway.

    Of course, I meet someone. He is my age (40). He’s been married once for 5 years. He has no kids, SNCO, and a fun guy. We’ve met 2 months ago. We pretty much chat every night, and even though we live in the same city, we’ve only met in person 3 times so far. He openly admits that he still has ghosts from his last relationship haunting him, plus he is a bit worried since I am still legally married. Understand, of course. We have cuddled, made out. But when it came close to doing more, he was actually the one to pull back because he is afraid of getting hurt again.

    We both decided to take it slow and let is all take its course, see what happens. We both agree that we are NOT in any kind of serious relationship at this point, way too early. I’m pretty sure he might be talking to other women as well but I also know that he is home alone pretty much every night since we talk then! lol

    I know this sounds crazy, but is that dating? LOL
    Like I said, we chat pretty much daily. But usually he doesn’t really ask me directly if I want to come see him, he makes roundabout comments, like I say I’m bored, he says, well, you could be over here with me! And then I ask “sounds great, is it ok if I come over?” and he’ll say “why not?” But he never straight out says “hey, why don’t you come over tonight to hang out?”
    Of course I don’t want to push myself on him either, because we have said we are taking it slow, but so far every time I have gone to see him, he tells me later how glad he was that I came over, how much he enjoys spending time with me etc.

    But I am at the point where seeing him only once every other week or so is just not enough anymore. I would love to see him at least once a week. But I don’t want to tell him that, because I know he is still trying to figure himself out, and I don’t want to push him away.

    Gah! I am 40 years old! I should have figured stuff like that out by now, but since I’ve been in one single relationship since the age of 20, I have no clue!!!!
    Give me some tips here! Should I be more aggressive about seeing him more often? Should I follow his lead only? Or should I chalk it up to a learning experience and just date around a bit?
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    #2
    Quote Originally Posted by UtaCO View Post
    I have no idea how to “date”! LOL
    Last summer, my husband of almost 20 years and I decided to call it quits. Actually, I was the one to call it quits because I couldn’t handle everything that went on anymore (finances, constant lies, attitudes etc). I haven’t been happy for years, but figured I could stick it out, we tried counseling but it never really helped. So when, last summer, he decided he wanted a girlfriend, I finally had a good reason to pull the plug.

    We are both honestly better off. We still live together, because of financial reasons, but the divorce should be final this summer, I should be able to move into my own apartment in May. He is already “engaged” to his girlfriend and they basically want to get married as soon as the ink on our divorce degree is dry. Honestly, I am not bitter. I know I will be better off, of course it’ll be hard with the children, but they are older and we will make it work. He might have been a shitty husband, but he is a great dad.

    Anyway, here is my main problem.
    I’ve honestly never even considered going straight into another serious relationship, my husband wasn’t my first sex partner, but he was my first real relationship. So I thought, well, if I meet someone, fine, if not, fine as well, I am so busy all the time anyway.

    Of course, I meet someone. He is my age (40). He’s been married once for 5 years. He has no kids, SNCO, and a fun guy. We’ve met 2 months ago. We pretty much chat every night, and even though we live in the same city, we’ve only met in person 3 times so far. He openly admits that he still has ghosts from his last relationship haunting him, plus he is a bit worried since I am still legally married. Understand, of course. We have cuddled, made out. But when it came close to doing more, he was actually the one to pull back because he is afraid of getting hurt again.

    We both decided to take it slow and let is all take its course, see what happens. We both agree that we are NOT in any kind of serious relationship at this point, way too early. I’m pretty sure he might be talking to other women as well but I also know that he is home alone pretty much every night since we talk then! lol

    I know this sounds crazy, but is that dating? LOL
    Like I said, we chat pretty much daily. But usually he doesn’t really ask me directly if I want to come see him, he makes roundabout comments, like I say I’m bored, he says, well, you could be over here with me! And then I ask “sounds great, is it ok if I come over?” and he’ll say “why not?” But he never straight out says “hey, why don’t you come over tonight to hang out?”
    Of course I don’t want to push myself on him either, because we have said we are taking it slow, but so far every time I have gone to see him, he tells me later how glad he was that I came over, how much he enjoys spending time with me etc.

    But I am at the point where seeing him only once every other week or so is just not enough anymore. I would love to see him at least once a week. But I don’t want to tell him that, because I know he is still trying to figure himself out, and I don’t want to push him away.

    Gah! I am 40 years old! I should have figured stuff like that out by now, but since I’ve been in one single relationship since the age of 20, I have no clue!!!!
    Give me some tips here! Should I be more aggressive about seeing him more often? Should I follow his lead only? Or should I chalk it up to a learning experience and just date around a bit?
    IMHO, you should wait until you are actually divorced and no longer living with your husband before you delve into the dating world. Your first relationship, 20 years of marriage and still living together - when are you going to spend some time finding out who YOU are and what you like and want out of life?
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    #3
    Quote Originally Posted by Songtan Sally View Post
    IMHO, you should wait until you are actually divorced and no longer living with your husband before you delve into the dating world. Your first relationship, 20 years of marriage and still living together - when are you going to spend some time finding out who YOU are and what you like and want out of life?


    You spent so much time in your previous relationship it is hard to define yourself outside of it.

    BUT, if this guy is that great, taking it very slow may be a good option. Go out and do things that you have an interest in. Like set up a specific time to get together and go to a museum, movie, show, etc.Have a definate beginning and end to the date. You may find that emotions do not go beyond friendship, and that is ok. Sometimes that is better in a situation such as yours.

    The idea behind dating is actually going out on dates. They put you somewhat out of your comfort zone at times. Which is good because it may not be a good idea to get too comfortable too fast (much like your exDH is doing).

    Life is a great big canvas, throw all the paint you can at it~ Danny Kaye
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    #4
    I agree with Sally, and you say you're taking it slow but it does seem kinda fast to me. OK you don't see each other often but talking to someone every single day can lead to you both getting very emotionally invested.

    As for dating though I am not one of those people who is all about playing games, or waiting, or "the guy has to do this and the girl has to do that." Life is too short for that IMO! If you want to go out with someone, call them and ask them out. If you like someone, tell them. If you want to know the status of your relationship, ask etc. But again I would wait for that at least until you are totally done cutting ties with your ex (and would wait to date someone until they were actually single too).
  5. Formerly BooBoo_Bear
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    #5
    I am probably one of the only people on here who will say dating while still legally married is ok But I do think that you should go out and have fun and explore you again before jumping into anything serious. I can't imagine wanting another relationship right away after being in one for 20 years.

    I would say you're casually dating this guy. And if you want to see him more, you should tell him that. And again, I agree with a PP. You should plan dates like going to museums, shows, bowling, etc. Because being out in public and seeing how you each interact in public (with each other and strangers), is a pretty important part of seeing who someone is.
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    #6
    Thank you all for your opinions, I am definitely taking them all to heart.

    Quote Originally Posted by Songtan Sally View Post
    IMHO, you should wait until you are actually divorced and no longer living with your husband before you delve into the dating world. Your first relationship, 20 years of marriage and still living together - when are you going to spend some time finding out who YOU are and what you like and want out of life?
    I do get the "wait until the divorce is final", but here in Germany (and I am German, so we are going through the German system), you have to be separated for one full year before the divorce can go through. And that is a long time! But you are right with the notion that I really should figure out who I am before I become a me + one again. And I honestly wasn't really looking for something, but with me working for the Army, it was a chance meeting with that particular guy.

    Quote Originally Posted by skStar21 View Post


    You spent so much time in your previous relationship it is hard to define yourself outside of it.

    BUT, if this guy is that great, taking it very slow may be a good option. Go out and do things that you have an interest in. Like set up a specific time to get together and go to a museum, movie, show, etc.Have a definate beginning and end to the date. You may find that emotions do not go beyond friendship, and that is ok. Sometimes that is better in a situation such as yours.

    The idea behind dating is actually going out on dates. They put you somewhat out of your comfort zone at times. Which is good because it may not be a good idea to get too comfortable too fast (much like your exDH is doing).
    Yeah, we really haven't gone out on a "real" date. He is very much a homebody, and so am I to a point, plus the weather right now is pathetic, but I do understand what you mean. You get to know people better outside of the home, without the TV on! lol

    Quote Originally Posted by Tojai View Post
    I agree with Sally, and you say you're taking it slow but it does seem kinda fast to me. OK you don't see each other often but talking to someone every single day can lead to you both getting very emotionally invested.

    As for dating though I am not one of those people who is all about playing games, or waiting, or "the guy has to do this and the girl has to do that." Life is too short for that IMO! If you want to go out with someone, call them and ask them out. If you like someone, tell them. If you want to know the status of your relationship, ask etc. But again I would wait for that at least until you are totally done cutting ties with your ex (and would wait to date someone until they were actually single too).
    I think this is definitely one thing I need to take to heart. I have to become more open with my feelings. Not in a "omg, I think I love you!" after a few dates, but to be open and honest about things. That is hard for me, because in our marriage, I mostly kept my feelings to myself, especially negative ones, because I never wanted to rock the boat.
    Oh, and just to mention, in case you thought that, the guy has been divorced for 3 years, he just came out of a "regular" relationship, not a marriage.

    Quote Originally Posted by BooBoo_Bear View Post
    I am probably one of the only people on here who will say dating while still legally married is ok But I do think that you should go out and have fun and explore you again before jumping into anything serious. I can't imagine wanting another relationship right away after being in one for 20 years.

    I would say you're casually dating this guy. And if you want to see him more, you should tell him that. And again, I agree with a PP. You should plan dates like going to museums, shows, bowling, etc. Because being out in public and seeing how you each interact in public (with each other and strangers), is a pretty important part of seeing who someone is.
    I know that I should not fall for the first guy I meet. And believe me, I like him just fine, but I am not absolutely head over heels for him. It's just hard for me to voice my feelings, my wants, to figure out how to navigate this whole dating thing....

    For those of you who have been married before, especially, once you were ready to date, to get back out there, how do you meet people, besides chance meetings like I had? Especially when you are a bit older, while I like to go out dancing and to clubs with my girlfriends every once in a while, I also realize that the bar/club scene is more for the 20 year olds, not the 40 year olds!

    Again, thank you all for your input!
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    #7
    I am a bit too young to really know what it means to get out of a relationship after such a long time. Also, I never myself figured out this whole dating thing. I am 25 and engaged, but if you ask me what dating is, I come up blank. So, at least, you are not alone in it.

    What I would say, though, is this. First, I find nothing so bad about you dating now. I had a friend who got divorced after 3 years of completely miserable marriage, and the system also required a year of separation before divorce is finalised. He started dating in the meantime, and I saw nothing wrong with it. And believe me, I come down on cheaters like a ton of rectangular building things. You are getting divorced. Your marriage is over. The rest is just paperwork.

    That said, do take it slow. Your husband rushed from one marriage to, apparently, the next, and while I wish him no ill luck, that doesn't bode well in my opinion. Enjoy your time and don't rush it.

    Oh, and maybe next time he "hints", don't take the bait. He isn't making any commitment by not showing any overt desire to see you. So make him state interest, if he has it. If he says "You could be here with me!" next time, just ignore it. Or say "Do you mean to tell me you would like me to come over?" As long as he isn't stating his interest, he is all the time throwing the ball in your court, and avoiding responsibility. You are always the one asking to come over, and always the one going to him. He doesn't have to move a muscle to get you there. Not cool, in my opinion, especially if this is actually to go anywhere, in time. Make him make an effort. You are worth it!

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