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Thread: thoughts on contacting command?

  1. i fell in love at the jersey shore.
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    #1

    thoughts on contacting command?

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    my husband and i have had problems for the last 8 months or so. in july, he tells me he wants a divorce. i refused.. so in august we agreed on a separation. he was "seeing" another woman behind my back since late july, but we agreed he'd cut off all contact with her because "she was just a friend"..

    we have been talking again for the past couple weeks.. and it's really been good.. he admitted to having feelings for me again (which he never thought was possible again) and it's been fun getting to know him again like that..

    BUT OF COURSE, he has not stopped talking to this other woman.. and i have reason to believe he's living with her while i've moved back home. i asked him about it once and he got very defensive and denied it. but his friend's wife says completely the opposite.. and she's told me what has been going on.

    i know "common sense" says.. leave his ass. but my heart is still very much here.. and he is a very arrogant man and thinks i'll never call his command.. and to be honest, he needs a BIG wake up call because he thinks he can just do whatever he wants. i feel like this is my last resort.. he needs to stop talking to this woman if he wants things to progress with us (which he says he does) but he's actually told me "we're just friends, so im not going to stop hanging out with her"..

    what are your thoughts? because if i call, i cant take it back.. and i dont want to do something i'll regret..
  2. MilitarySOS Jewel
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    #2
    I personally do not feel that this situation warrants contacting his command.

    If your DH worked at Walmart... would you call and tattle to his manager for stuff going on at home?

    I am sorry that your situation is so frustrating, but I personally do not think that contacting his command is a good idea. If anything, they'll probably just give him crap about it.... which he'll then turn around and take out on you.
  3. Moderator
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    #3
    I personally feel that a command should only be involved if the servicemember is not maintaining a proper level of financial support for his/her spouse, or situations of abuse in which housing needs to be obtained for the servicemember on the military installment in order to keep the spouse safe.
  4. Livin~Lovin~Laughin
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    #4
    Quote Originally Posted by LittleMsSunshine View Post
    I personally do not feel that this situation warrants contacting his command.

    If your DH worked at Walmart... would you call and tattle to his manager for stuff going on at home?

    I am sorry that your situation is so frustrating, but I personally do not think that contacting his command is a good idea. If anything, they'll probably just give him crap about it.... which he'll then turn around and take out on you.
    I totally agree. We (military leaders) have crap to do and every time we have to drop what we are doing to deal with PERSONAL issues it takes us away from important work. I'm not saying the command shouldn't get involved if your SO is beating you or something but seriously. If you aren't happy with him, if you doubt him, LEAVE him, DIVORCE him and move on and leave him in his own misery. Leave the command out of it.





    "Don't worry about being right,
    just worry about being kind."
    ~Tilly Therber
  5. It is what it is....
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    #5
    I wouldn't contact his command.

    Say you did, I would think that would tick him off and anything you are trying to salvage would more than likely be compromised.

    I agree with PP, would you get his job/boss involved if he worked as a civilian? What are you trying to accomplish by contacting his command?
  6. MilitarySOS Jewel
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    #6
    In cases I have dealt with, it is normally only advisable to contact his command if there is a financial issue (him refusing to provide support) or an issue of him posing a threat to himself, you, or others. During a split, when the spouse contacts the other person's command for an issue such as infidelity, its just considered spiteful.

    I'm sorry for your situation, I have been there (except with a civilian ex husband) and it just plain sucks. I hope your heart and/or mind lead you to the right place whether it be with him or without him.

    BiggyBiggs...the Wifey that makes me go "WoW"
  7. Feelin' fly like a Cheesestick
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    #7
    Do not call the command. Honestly, that's as good as walking away, only it will cause a lot more drama. It will probably just piss your husband off, it will make him look bad at work if it gets around ("So'n'so's wife called to tattle on him..."), and it definitely WON'T help your marriage.

    It's unlikely they'll do anything anyway as long as it's not affecting his job performance. My exhusband was arrested for domestic violence. The local courts were handling it, so he didn't get in any trouble (which is fine with me, the last thing I needed was him to lose rank since his child support was based on income--and if he couldn't pay the mortgage... my name was still on it and it could ruin MY credit too!). He was sleeping around, too. I never called his command because it seemed silly to involve them. What were they going to do??? Realistically, nothing--marriage is a civil issue, not a military or legal issue.

    I know it's not easy to walk away, but calling his command isn't going to make him change or be a better husband. If you're not able to repair your marriage without calling his command, you aren't going to be able to repair your marriage, period (and by "you" I mean general "you"... I'm not saying it's YOUR job to repair your marriage all on your own). If he's not willing to be honest and truly commit himself to your marriage, there's no way to force him to do that. You can't change who he is. And if he DID get in trouble with his command (unlikely), he would probably just resent you for that, so I don't think it would make things any better for you.

    I'm sorry you're dealing with this.
    Beth, Mama to Emmalee (12), Evan (9), and Ella (4 on May 7) (I really REALLY need to update my picture!)
  8. Quis custodiet ipsos custodes?
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    #8
    Quote Originally Posted by Loving View Post
    I personally feel that a command should only be involved if the servicemember is not maintaining a proper level of financial support for his/her spouse, or situations of abuse in which housing needs to be obtained for the servicemember on the military installment in order to keep the spouse safe.


    It sounds like you want to contact his command to force him to leave this other woman alone and work on his relationship with you. But nobody, not even his command, can force him to fix what he has with you. If you get him in trouble at work maybe he'll stop seeing this woman but that's only a part of the problem.

    You can't force his work to fix your marriage.
  9. Today was a Fairytale
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    #9
    Quote Originally Posted by Loving View Post
    I personally feel that a command should only be involved if the servicemember is not maintaining a proper level of financial support for his/her spouse, or situations of abuse in which housing needs to be obtained for the servicemember on the military installment in order to keep the spouse safe.


    What would you want them to do?
  10. Senior Member
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    #10
    Quote Originally Posted by Loving View Post
    I personally feel that a command should only be involved if the servicemember is not maintaining a proper level of financial support for his/her spouse, or situations of abuse in which housing needs to be obtained for the servicemember on the military installment in order to keep the spouse safe.


    This isn't your case (not that you have shared anyway)

    In your situation, that's something I would talk to my best friend about. I would not contact my husbands command about him not stopping contact with another woman, seriously.

    Sorry you're going through this.
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