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Thread: Update: Nevermind!

  1. The Decider
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    #1

    Update: Nevermind!

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    Update! He ended up talking to his mom and sticking up for me/us. It was perfect. He couldn't have changed a thing to make me happier. I am so incredibly proud of him.


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    As some of you know, I gave K an ultimatum about 4 weeks ago. His mother has been nothing but hateful to me, and two months or so ago, gave out his address to a girl who has consistently been a problem in our relationship, told this girl that the two of them were meant to be together, and encouraged the girl to write him love letters.

    Ever since then, our relationship has been on edge. I asked K to tell his mom her behavior was unacceptable. I outlined very clearly what I wanted from him, and asked him if he had problems with anything I had asked. He never responded, which I took to mean no.

    Well one of the things I had asked him to do was refrain from talking to his mom until she was willing to sit down and discuss the issue. He never said he wouldn't, but apparently has been. I don't think it's fair to me that he talk to his mother like nothing is wrong, continuing to put off the confrontation with her. Add that to the fact that I gave him a time-frame of 6 weeks for the ultimatum. It's been 4 and he's done absolutely nothing, I thought his behavior was pretty obvious. It doesn't look like he has any intention of confronting his mother.

    So we're over. His mom has been a constant issue for 13+ months in our relationship. We have gone to a marriage counselor. I have apologized to her. We have tried establishing boundaries, and he never upholds them. I'm tired, and I can't do this anymore. His mother is not someone I can stand until she dies. She is the most overbearing, manipulative, and hateful woman I have ever met. If K were to put his foot down, things might be okay. But he won't, and they won't.

    I still have a hint of hope that in the next few days he will stand up to his mom, go above and beyond what I asked him to do, and put his foot down once and for all. I think if he did that, since I haven't asked him to, we could recover. But I know he won't, and he was quick to change his Facebook status to "single," so here I am.

    I'm sad. I'm disappointed. I'm frustrated that I have told him for so long now that his mother will ultimately lead to our demise, and he insisted that wouldn't happen. I'm upset that he probably knew all along that he wouldn't have the balls to stand up to his mom, but was hoping I would change my mind, or his mom would stop being so crazy. I'm upset that we allowed our relationship to further. We had a ring picked out. I had my dress picked out. We were talking about venues.

    I guess it's better that we're over. I deserve someone who will put me as a top priority in their life. I deserve someone who will stick up for me, and put their foot down when boundaries are crossed by others. I deserve to receive love as equally as I give it.

    But that doesn't make this hurt any less.
    Last edited by Brianna Banana; 12-30-2009 at 09:44 PM.
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  2. LL
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    #2
    I'm sorry that you are going through all of this. It's too bad he can't stick up to his Mom for you. My ex-DH's mother was a constant presence in our marriage which eventually was one of the biggest factor of our divorce. Ironically, I am really good friends with her now and she tells me all the time she wished she stayed out of things, but I guess we live and learn. You are correct you deserve someone who makes you a priority and definitely better that it happened now than later when there are kids involved(assuming there are no kids).

    Good Luck to you!
  3. MilitarySOS Jewel
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    #3
    I'm sorry. Yes you do deserve someone better!
  4. Banned
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    #4
    Ugh, sweetie. I read your post earlier and I know you were really torn with what was going on with that. I know how you're feeling. I gave my Kyle an ultimatum too and he walked away. I'm sorry you're having to even go through this. But you DESERVE someone who is going to treat you with the respect and love you need. Someone who will be willing to stand up for you. Hold your head high, gorgeous, and stay strong because once you let go, better things are going to come along.

    My PM box is always open if you wanna vent/talk through anything.
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    I am so sorry, sweetheart. If you would like to talk, my PM box is open.
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    #6
    im not trying to be negative here but i dont think its right for you to tell an adult (ie your boyfriend ) that he shouldnt speak to his mother until something is done your way, especially as he is deployed and you want everyone to "sit down and discuss the issue" - whats he suppose to do, not talk to his mother for months?

    yes she is being disrespectful but it seems he does have a amicable relationship with her and for you to try to rip that apart is very dangerous territory

    im also of the belief that some relationships should not have to be so freaking hard to make it work and if its a constant battle then maybe the relationship isnt the right one for you

    i know youre feeling heartsick and i hope once you have some time things will see not as bad

    .... don't make me say good-bye and don't make me stay

  7. The Decider
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    Thank you all. LAnderson - I knew that the way her behavior has gotten exponentially worse over the last year, there was no way we could survive a marriage without him putting his foot down. I'm glad we ended things now, before my parents shoveled tons of money into a wedding, and we had even more invested than we currently do. Thankfully we don't have kids.

    Quote Originally Posted by Avonlea. View Post
    Ugh, sweetie. I read your post earlier and I know you were really torn with what was going on with that. I know how you're feeling. I gave my Kyle an ultimatum too and he walked away. I'm sorry you're having to even go through this. But you DESERVE someone who is going to treat you with the respect and love you need. Someone who will be willing to stand up for you. Hold your head high, gorgeous, and stay strong because once you let go, better things are going to come along.

    My PM box is always open if you wanna vent/talk through anything.
    Thank you so much. I know it sounds petty, but I tagged all our pre-deployment photos on Facebook after I talked to him this morning. I know I'll take them down in a little bit, but I wanted him to have a reminder of how happy we were and how much he's throwing away. And I secretly want his mom and that other bitch [since I'm sure she stalks his photos] to see how happy we were. That as much as both of them like to say that he was miserable with me, etc. that is obviously so far from the truth. But going through our photos made me cry.

    He thinks I've been looking for reasons to break up with him. He can't understand that all it would take would be to stick up for me. That's all I've ever wanted. Sure, I feel underprioritized with the way he's been acting for the last few weeks, but he's deployed. He has another "family" over there, and I understand that I'm not #1 when they're going through unit losses. I've been working so hard to understand that and be okay with it, and not get upset when I don't get an email for a few days. But I can't be okay with him pretending his mother did nothing wrong.
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  8. MilitarySOS Jewel
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    #8
    I'm so sorry, hon.

    But you are right. You do deserve someone who will make you their top priority. Someone who will stand by you and someone who will stick up for you, even if it comes to their mother. You sound like you've done everything you needed to do to try and mend things. If you're not okay with this, and he isn't willing to compromise with you, then there's not much else you can do.

    DB and I were together a few years ago, and ultimately his mother was the reason we seperated. She was very controlling, overbearing, manipulative and for some reason (I still don't know to this day...) she had it out for me. When DB and I got back together 2 years ago, we were both very hesitant to tell her. But now, I talk to his mother more than he does - usually on a daily basis and we're really good friends. It's funny how things work out.

    But I totally understand where you're coming from, because I've been there, too.
  9. Livin~Lovin~Laughin
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    I'm sorry lady. He lost a good woman. You are right. You deserve better. Hugs and know that my pm box is always open.

    Sol





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    just worry about being kind."
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  10. The Decider
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    Quote Originally Posted by Denali View Post
    im not trying to be negative here but i dont think its right for you to tell an adult (ie your husband ) that he shouldnt speak to his mother until something is done your way, especially as he is deployed and you want everyone to "sit down and discuss the issue" - whats he suppose to do, not talk to his mother for months?

    yes she is being disrespectful but it seems he does have a amicable relationship with her and for you to try to rip that apart is very dangerous territory

    im also of the belief that some relationships should not have to be so freaking hard to make it work and if its a constant battle then maybe the relationship isnt the right one for you

    i know youre feeling heartsick and i hope once you have some time things will see not as bad
    I understand, but I respectfully disagree. His mother has refused to talk about things over the phone or via email. Our home is in Arizona. Her home is in Maine. She is virtually demanding that we/he fly to Maine to discuss the issue in person, solely because she wants to see her son again. She is doing this for purely selfish reasons. All I have asked him to do it tell her that he can't speak to her until she is ready to sit down and chat/IM so they can resolve the issue. She has gone from "I don't want to even go there with you" to "You know how things get twisted on the internet" to "I don't have time." It's just the kind of person she is. When I was advised by our counselor to call and apologize [though I have truly done nothing wrong], his mother told me she wouldn't accept my apology because it couldn't possibly be sincere since I didn't fly to Maine and apologize to her face. She's incredibly manipulative and I'm tired of it.

    I'm with you on the "relationship shouldn't be so hard" bit, though. I completely agree. While we have had our fair share of issues, this is the only one we haven't resolved completely, and it's a deal-breaker for me.
    Next time you shop on Amazon, click through this link to help an amazing veterans' organization!

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