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Thread: not even a week in to deployment and the marriage is over.

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    amanda10505's Avatar
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    #1

    not even a week in to deployment and the marriage is over.

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    A mont before my "husband" deployed, he came home for a 2 week leave. He acted really weird. He blew me and the kids off (meaning he said hed come over, but would start a fight the day he said he'd come over just so he didnt have to come. Or he just didnt answer his phone.). He stayed at his moms house the whole time. Also he kept talking about wanting to hang out w/this one girl he use to be friends with but i didnt understand why. But i thought things were ok when he left, but as soon as he got back down to Ft. Bragg before his deployment he kept saying his phone wasnt working and wasnt getting calls. He NEVER answered my calls until the last few days he was there. The day he left he sounded like him old self again and things seemed like they were gonna be ok. Then he emailed me a few days in to his deployment telling me where he was, etc. Then his brother let it slip that he had a facebook (which i did not until i found out he did). So i made one and i found his profile and i saw a bunch of girls and his ex's on there. So i ended things with him. Im so sick of the lying. Now that i look back it kinda makes sense why he was blowing me off, not answering my calls, etc. He said theyre just friends, but ever since he got on facebook, he has acted like a jerk. He acts as if he's single. So he might as well be.

    So then he emails me telling me i have no reason to be mad because they are just his friends and that he is sick of not being able to be friends w/who he wants (but yet if i had a male friend, hed be mad!). Then went on to tell me im insecure and pathethic and that he thought about it and he can do better. Then i emailed him back telling him "ok good, go find someone better". Then he emailed me saying "Ok. Well there isn't anything else to be said I think every chance of fixing anything has been exhausted so I'm not going to say anything about that and I will be civil unless somehow you try to fuck me over then we will have problems.".

    Im really angry because i really am sick of the way he has started treating me. He hid the facebook and i think its because he is talking to other girls. Im sad, i wish things would work out, but i feel like the only way he is gonna realize what he is doing is if i ended things. I dont want him to think he can keep treating me this way and that i will put up with it. I told him i was gonna make a bank account so he could pay child support every month.

    Im having a really bad day today about it. I really dont know what to do anymore. Now he isnt answering any emails of mine. I'm sure he is mad or busy. I dont know. But i just wish he'd change so our family could work. I really want things to work out but i dont want to keep being treated like dirt. Im so upset that im barely eating and i cant sleep, i have knots in my stomache. I dont have a car right now and i have 2 kids that i have all the time and barely get help with. So its not like i can go out for a night to forget about things. So i just sit at home and think about it constantly. I dont know how to move on from this. Any advice? Am i in the wrong for ending things like he said? Its one things to have female friends,but why hide it?
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    you should go with your gut. i personally wouldn't have sat around and let him treat me like crap either. i think if you really think there is a chance of this working out and you WANT it to, you should try. see if he will get into marriage counciling when he gets home. but do what you feel is right for not only you, but the children!
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    I'll be honest, unless this was a reoccuring habit on your husband's part, I do think you jumped the gun on asking for a divorce just because of a hidden facebook page. (When I say reoccuring I don't mean a week, I mean moreso for some time now, months.) I don't think it's to the point where you should divorce. That to me let's me know that you do have some trust issues with him. I also think your husband is acting indecisive, and it sounds like he doesn't whether or not he wants to be married, or still continue to play the field. I have a couple of questions, you can choose whether or not you want to answer them I'm just tyring to get a better idea of the situation. Has there been a history of infidelity in your relationship? Also, have you tried couples counseling in the past?
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    I think you jumped the gun. Is it possible he hid the facebook page so because he thought you would be upset if he was just talking to his ex's? If that's the only contact he's had with them and he had no history of cheating, I think you really jumped it.
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    #5
    You cannot change a person. Don't ever think that you can.
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    Quote Originally Posted by mrs.s View Post
    I'll be honest, unless this was a reoccuring habit on your husband's part, I do think you jumped the gun on asking for a divorce just because of a hidden facebook page. (When I say reoccuring I don't mean a week, I mean moreso for some time now, months.) I don't think it's to the point where you should divorce. That to me let's me know that you do have some trust issues with him. I also think your husband is acting indecisive, and it sounds like he doesn't whether or not he wants to be married, or still continue to play the field. I have a couple of questions, you can choose whether or not you want to answer them I'm just tyring to get a better idea of the situation. Has there been a history of infidelity in your relationship? Also, have you tried couples counseling in the past?
    I completely agree
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    Quote Originally Posted by MS234755 View Post
    I think you jumped the gun. Is it possible he hid the facebook page so because he thought you would be upset if he was just talking to his ex's? If that's the only contact he's had with them and he had no history of cheating, I think you really jumped it.
    Yep, I agree. You didn't even give him the benefit of the doubt before you starting talking divorce. When you're married, you're going to come across a lot of problems, some worse than this. I hope you learn to deal with them better than you did this time. Next time, if it happens, call him. Get his perspective, and point of view. I do think he's on to something with the insecurity. However, he's not helping, in fact he's fostering the insecurity, by hiding a facebook page. I think there's a lot of potential here, but you guys need to get a tougher skin and work on your trust issues.

    Also: you can't force a man to change, he has to want to do it first.
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    [QUOTE=amanda10505;6443457]
    I'm having a really bad day today about it. I really don't know what to do anymore. Now he isn't answering any emails of mine. I'm sure he is mad or busy. I don't know. But I just wish he'd change so our family could work. I really want things to work out but I don't want to keep being treated like dirt. I'm so upset that I'm barely eating and I cant sleep, I have knots in my stomach. I don't have a car right now and I have 2 kids that I have all the time and barely get help with. So it's not like I can go out for a night to forget about things. So I just sit at home and think about it constantly. I don't know how to move on from this. Any advice? Am I in the wrong for ending things like he said? It's one things to have female friends, but why hide it?[/QUOTE]

    It sounds like he has no intention of changing what he is doing. The bolded really does explain everything, in my opinion. Is there any reason why he might feel he needs to hide female friends from you? (I'm not trying to put blame on you; I'm just asking.) If there isn't, then... he is likely hiding something. Stick with your intuition, hun.
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    Well the lying and hiding things didnt start happening until the end of Nov right before his deployment. Thats when he started acting like this. I dont know if he has cheated. He says he hasnt, but i keep finding out that he's hiding things from me. which leads me to believe he may be cheating.

    The reason im mad about the girls is because i have achild w/an ex and he doesnt even like me talking to him. He says if i talk to him about anything other than our child he is leaving. So thats why im angry he is talking to his ex's. Plus the one tried to break us up when we first got together. I just dont understand why its ok for him to talk to all these girls but i do it, then he wants nothing to do w/me.

    We have not been to marriage counciling because ive been in MD and he has been in Nc and traveling for training.
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    Quote Originally Posted by amanda10505 View Post
    Well the lying and hiding things didnt start happening until the end of Nov right before his deployment. Thats when he started acting like this. I dont know if he has cheated. He says he hasnt, but i keep finding out that he's hiding things from me. which leads me to believe he may be cheating.

    The reason im mad about the girls is because i have achild w/an ex and he doesnt even like me talking to him. He says if i talk to him about anything other than our child he is leaving. So thats why im angry he is talking to his ex's. Plus the one tried to break us up when we first got together. I just dont understand why its ok for him to talk to all these girls but i do it, then he wants nothing to do w/me.

    We have not been to marriage counciling because ive been in MD and he has been in Nc and traveling for training.
    What other things has he been hiding? Sometimes, right before deployment, men start acting weirdly, because they have a lot of very intense, complicated feelings going on. If he's not actually cheating on you, try to give him a pass, at least until you guys can get in therapy and see what's really going on.
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