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Thread: Break up, but no closure? Post-Iraq

  1. lbuconn
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    Break up, but no closure? Post-Iraq

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    My boyfriend of 6 1/2 years (high school sweethearts, I'm now 21 he's 22) broke things off this past week and I'm not sure I completely understand why.

    He just got back from Iraq in late January early February and things were awesome. We've been through a rough past and I finally thought with him being home and out of the army (honorably discharged because he decided to not re-enlist) we could resolve things, and we were, and slowly but surely everything would be ok. He came home to the Northeast, where we live, from Texas in April. On his way back he received news that his friend was killed in Iraq and that's where I started to see things change. He seemed depressed, and he definitely had a change in attitude towards me. One day out of the blue he just told me he didn't love me anymore and had no feelings towards me.

    We continued to stay friends and he kept saying I know this will eventually pass and I'll realize how stupid I'm being right now. But then just this past Tuesday he sent me an email saying it's best we go our own separate ways and that everytime we talk he has no feelings towards me. He says he doesn't want my support anymore and that it's better this way.

    I'm just so confused right now because I don't know what's happening to him. He would never ever break up with me over an email and say things like this. He said he doesn't even know why he fell out of love with me. He also said something about him not believing that I have changed. I pushed him away a few times during his time in the military mainly because we were both young and I was so scared of life and change. Now that I want it and am secure with my feelings he says he can't believe it. How can I prove to him that I have changed? I want to believe that it's just readjustment and possibly (crossing fingers that it's not) PTSD but then part of me thinks that it really is how he is feeling towards me right now. I know I will eventually be able to move on but I don't know how to take this. Has anyone experienced this before?

    I know this is a long message but thanks for listening!

    Lauren
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    #2
    I don't have any advice, but
  3. KSS
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    Oh sweetie. I'm in the same boat. This doesn't seem right - he seems to have shut down emotionally and probably he'll need counseling to heal. But what you should do - that I don't know. I'm going back and forth with my own situation trying to decide whether to try and move on or whether to try and be patient.
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    it definitly sounds like a classic case of PTS. When my dh came back from Iraq we damn near divorced because he kept pushing everything away. I FINALLY talked him into going to see a counsleor and talking about it, he also confided in a preacher friend of ours. It wasn't until then that things changed and he was diagnosed with PTS. He says he doesn't believe that anybody can go over there and stay and not change somehow. So I'd say if he doesn't want to do counseling then just let him be. He'll come around when he realizes what he is doing. Thats a long time to be with someone and just call it off for no reason. o and one more thing, I was trying to be patient but it was so painful having to watch and I was so tired of how he was treating me so had he not went to counseling I was going to leave. Sounds harsh but sometimes you gotta really put it in their face to get them to see that something isn't right.
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    #5
    Girl I am going through almost the same thing right now. No significant event happend that he changed, but basically everything you just wrote is everything I heard from my DB, and everything i'm feeling. Hes still deployed so theres nothing I can do...

    I dont have advice, but thank you for posting this. Its nice not to feel like i'm the only one going through this!


    Good luck to you I hope everything works out for you


    TRISHY0815 is my hero,wifey & BFF
    My man is home!
  6. lbuconn
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    Thanks for all the positive feedback everyone!

    Does counseling really help? I know for a fact that he is seeking counseling at his local VA hospital, in fact the last time we spoke he had just finished registering himself and setting up his appointments. And from what I've heard once they start treatment things tend to get much worse before they get better because they begin to relive everything that happened over there.

    I'm fairly certain he might contact me again, I just don't know when and if "we" will ever truly happen again which kills me
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    #7
    I am sorry you are having to deal with this. Sadly I think it would be best to respect his wishes and let go for the time being. If he wants to come back and try and fix things leave it up to him. PTSD or not it seems he needs some time alone to sort things out in his head.
    Good Luck
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    I'm so sorry. It sounds like he need to sort things out on his own before he can be ready for a relationship. I say give him time, if it's meant to be he'll come back.
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    #9
    Quote Originally Posted by lbuconn View Post
    My boyfriend of 6 1/2 years (high school sweethearts, I'm now 21 he's 22) broke things off this past week and I'm not sure I completely understand why.

    He just got back from Iraq in late January early February and things were awesome. We've been through a rough past and I finally thought with him being home and out of the army (honorably discharged because he decided to not re-enlist) we could resolve things, and we were, and slowly but surely everything would be ok. He came home to the Northeast, where we live, from Texas in April. On his way back he received news that his friend was killed in Iraq and that's where I started to see things change. He seemed depressed, and he definitely had a change in attitude towards me. One day out of the blue he just told me he didn't love me anymore and had no feelings towards me.

    We continued to stay friends and he kept saying I know this will eventually pass and I'll realize how stupid I'm being right now. But then just this past Tuesday he sent me an email saying it's best we go our own separate ways and that everytime we talk he has no feelings towards me. He says he doesn't want my support anymore and that it's better this way.

    I'm just so confused right now because I don't know what's happening to him. He would never ever break up with me over an email and say things like this. He said he doesn't even know why he fell out of love with me. He also said something about him not believing that I have changed. I pushed him away a few times during his time in the military mainly because we were both young and I was so scared of life and change. Now that I want it and am secure with my feelings he says he can't believe it. How can I prove to him that I have changed? I want to believe that it's just readjustment and possibly (crossing fingers that it's not) PTSD but then part of me thinks that it really is how he is feeling towards me right now. I know I will eventually be able to move on but I don't know how to take this. Has anyone experienced this before?

    I know this is a long message but thanks for listening!

    Lauren

    Wow seems like you're staying as stong as possible. I'd be flipping out right now, which doesn't solve anything I guess. You seem pretty rational. Reading this broke my heart. I hope it works out for you. I guess sometimes it's the post deployment that is harder on them than actually being deployed. I'll keep you in my prayers tonight.
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    #10

    Honestly? I really think he just has some things he needs to work out for himself before he can work things out with you. Remember, what is meant to be, will be! I am sorry you're going through this!
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