No More Counting Days

Advertisements

Ladies of MSOS... I love you all and cant thank you enough for all of the support that you've given me during my stay on here. Yesterday I got a "Dear John" phone call out of the clear blue sky when everything (so I thought) was wonderful in my relationship with Dan. Here is the letter that I wrote him this morning after the heart-breaking phone call that I recieved yesterday. I mean no disrespect to any of you ladies or your SO's by some of the lines in it, I am just extremely depressed and in a zombie-like/hate the world kind of state right now. I wish you all the best.

Lizzie

i hate myself for ever believing a word out of your mouth. i hate myself for breaking down my hugest insecurities to make sure that you understood me, only to be punched in the gut and feel even more insecure about them all. i hate myself for putting my life on hold for the past 7 months, being a fool to all of my family and friends, convinced that i was doing the right thing by worrying about you, loving you, and constantly thinking of ways to show my heart to you... and I hate myself even more for loving every minute of being your girlfriend. i hate myself for spending tons of money selflessly that i dont have in attempts to keep your morale up and now having nothing, none to even pay my son's school tuition b/c you have it all. i hate myself for letting you meet and develop a relationship with my son who now plays with army tanks and G.I.Joes instead of trains and superman. I hate myself for dreaming of a military wedding someday and thinking that i loved the way my name sounds with your last name. I hate myself for believing that you actually missed me while you were in Iraq. and for dreaming of how good it was going to feel to be in your arms again, safe and full of happiness.

i hate God for doing this to me, especially all in one week. Lose one of my close friends to cancer on saturday, have my brother who i was just starting to get hope for after 15 yrs go off on drugs again on sunday, have my cousin try to commit suicide on tuesday, have my boyfriend who i love... essentially rip my heart out on thursday morning, then learn on thursday night that my aunt has been re-diagnosed with liver cancer, and to be such a zombie that i couldnt function at work today, so i am sitting on my couch now with virtually no faith anymore, a trashed house b/c i threw everything that was yours or resembled you or that you gave me as hard as i could, and nothing to look forward to but fighting off memories and pain of how happy i was in "this guy's" life, who doesnt have the decency to get to know the real me and prove to himself that i am worthy of him. God hates me.

This would be so much easier if you were cheating on me or even easier if you died. At least I could either hate you or know that you still are in my life, even if not physically.

i hate myself, I hate God, and I hate you for not being willing to just try, and for disrespecting me more than i thought was possible. i hate tears I cry for you, dreams I have of you, and prayers for you. I hate throwing up b/c you make me so upset, and I hate the way that I still love you. Most of all I hate the fucking military for taking you away from me too soon in our relationship and corrupting all of your emotions, thoughts, and your heart.

No more tears or vomitting