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Thread: Didn't know it would be like this.....advice or Help!

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    #1

    Confused Didn't know it would be like this.....advice or Help!

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    back story: So my DH left over a week ago for Afg. (our first deployment). We have an 19 month old son and we thought he would be fine. We figured he is too young to really notice anything too much. Well I had my gall bladder taken out a few days before DH left so I am not able to lift my "lil chunky man" for three weeks. We flew my MIL out here (our family is all back in TN so Im in CA with no help) to help me for a few weeks. I had been a SAHM for the first the first year of DS's life and then I started school part time(gone like 10 hrs a week max). Well this semester I went full time because we werent expecting deployment anytime soon so now he is in daycare atleast 25 hrs a week. OK to get to the point: DS is breaking my heart, he reaches for me all the time but I can't pick him up and he cries when MIL has to pick him up and he still reaches for me. He has never tried to be this clingy towards me when other people have had him. That is one of the things alot of people were always impressed with, his independence. He has always been so independent and minded so well. He wont go to sleep without me in the room now(he has self soothed and went to sleep on his own since 4 months) and even the babysitter is noticing a change in his behavior. He now runs to the door and cries when I leave him at daycare(babysitter was so shocked at how well he used to just run in and start playing). It is like he is regressing and acting out. I feel so bad because he can't tell me what is going on. He just cries alot more now and I'm wondering if all these changes are really taking a toll on him. Any advice or stories? Will this get better with time?
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    #2
    I don't have any advice, but lots of My son is two months older than yours, and I've noticed a drastic behavior change between when DH is home and when he is gone with the ship. No advice, I'm still trying to figure out how to help him too!

    Also, which kind of gall bladder incision did they make with you? I had the one where they did the four little ones, and I'm pretty sure I wasn't restricted on picking him up for that long. Or maybe I just didn't listen.
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    #3
    DD did this when DH went to NC for his brother's graduation. She was always independent, loved preschool, self-soothed, self-entertained, and didn't even get upset when I left her with my mom for three weeks when she was nine months old so I could move us back to Alaska from CO. She hardly even knew DH when he left. He came home from Iraq in Oct (she just turned one) and left for NC in April. But still, she wouldn't go to sleep, she wanted to be held, rocked, comforted. It was really confusing, but it stopped when he got back two weeks later.
    I know two weeks is a lot less time than a deployment, but she did do the same things your DS is doing. He may need more 'You' to make him feel secure. Is there any way you can cut down some of your school hours? Or try to read to him, or maybe let him lay his head on your lap for a while before bed?

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    I don't want to say yes because I'm not an expert on child development but I have taken a class or two and he's at that stage where he's realizing that his daddy is gone. Initially, kids will forget about an object as soon as soon as they can't see it anymore but by 2 years old, they acquire the concept of object permanence which means they are generally able to think about the image of something they can't see or hear, and can solve a simple problem in relationship to that image.

    What that means is that he's just starting to learn how to miss someone. He misses you and Daddy and he's trying to solve that problem by acting out.
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    #5
    DD is not 19MO, she was 14MO when DH left...she didn't eat solid food for 3 weeks...flat out refused them.
    Her sleep also was affected.
    Please go look at the thread with advice/tips for parents. I posted some links there with some really useful resources. Nothing will make it all better, but there are a lot of things that can make it a little easier.
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    #6
    I had the four incisions, i feel fine but doc says no lifting. I'm like WTH I feel fine.....once school is over I make it all about DS. We read at least two books every night (one is daddy's recorded book) and I sit in the floor to play for hrs. Lol I'm hoping and praying it gets better once WE get used to daddy being gone. Thanks ladies.
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    #7
    Quote Originally Posted by Jessym View Post
    I don't want to say yes because I'm not an expert on child development but I have taken a class or two and he's at that stage where he's realizing that his daddy is gone. Initially, kids will forget about an object as soon as soon as they can't see it anymore but by 2 years old, they acquire the concept of object permanence which means they are generally able to think about the image of something they can't see or hear, and can solve a simple problem in relationship to that image.

    What that means is that he's just starting to learn how to miss someone. He misses you and Daddy and he's trying to solve that problem by acting out.
    I agree, with you. That's his way of coping and dealing with the missing. He just needs to get back in a routine. It will take time, I would give it a few months with a set routine (including the people in his life). That's a lot of changes for a 19 month old who doesn't understand anything. Doesn't help that at the same time he's entering the official toodler stage!

    Btw, I have a degree in early childhood and a master's in child psych. Feel free to pm me with any questions.

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