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Thread: What if they aren't HIS kids?

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    #1

    What if they aren't HIS kids?

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    So, we intended not to have him around the kids much since we knew he was leaving. But it happened anyway. I have one child who is kind of oblivious to the whole idea of him still, he likes him, he knows who he is, what he does, that we are together, but did not get close to him yet. This one just wants to know when I won't cry anymore. However, my daughter became fond of him in just a short time and it feels awkward, I don't really know what to tell her. DB and I had the discussion, he wants to be involved with the kids. I just don't know how to deal with the discussion of deployment with them, and especially not since he'll be reappearing eventually with a VERY strong presence in all of our lives again. Anyone have advise for future step-kids?

    BiggyBiggs...the Wifey that makes me go "WoW"
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    #2
    How old are the kids? My kids are 4 and 7--and they are DH's "stepkids" but he is their dad for all intents and purposes. My exhusband (kids' bio dad) is not involved much but they were old enough when we divorced to get it and they know the difference between the two--and they call DH by his first name (although once in a while they'll slip and call him Daddy). He's comfortable with whatever they're comfortable with--but in our day to day lives, HE is their father figure. My best advice is to just be straightforward with them (at an age-appropriate level of course LOL). It's hard for me to give advice without knowing how old your kids are. Is their biological father involved in their lives??
    Beth, Mama to Emmalee (12), Evan (9), and Ella (4 on May 7) (I really REALLY need to update my picture!)
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    #3
    They are 5 and 7. Their father is not an active presence in their lives, we have been divorced for a couple years and they do not see him, occasionally they have phone contact but very rarely. Until this relationship, the closest they have had to male role models are my brothers and my dad. This makes it ten times more important for me to be careful how I ease the transition because I know it is really important for them.

    BiggyBiggs...the Wifey that makes me go "WoW"
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    #4
    Quote Originally Posted by littlemiss View Post
    They are 5 and 7. Their father is not an active presence in their lives, we have been divorced for a couple years and they do not see him, occasionally they have phone contact but very rarely. Until this relationship, the closest they have had to male role models are my brothers and my dad. This makes it ten times more important for me to be careful how I ease the transition because I know it is really important for them.
    Ah, ok, so very close to the ages of my own. As far as the relationship goes, I would just introduce them to the idea gradually. Let them know that he is a very good "friend" and that you guys care about each other a lot. Reassure them that they come first to you and that nothing will change that.

    As for his deployment, I would just tell them that his job makes him travel and he has to be gone for a little while. Don't talk about the dangers of it or anything like that, but tell them that he'll be very far away so while you may be able to talk to him, they won't see him for a while. You can talk to them about when he's coming back and how they may see him a lot then. Above all though you'll just have to play it by ear based on the comfort level of your kids. When he gets back, you probably don't want to have him there 24/7 (unless things just fall into place that way--if everyone is comfortable with it). Don't stress about it too much now. As is often the case with kids, you just have to see how they handle things and cross bridges when you get to them.
    Beth, Mama to Emmalee (12), Evan (9), and Ella (4 on May 7) (I really REALLY need to update my picture!)
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    #5
    They already know that we are in a relationship, and he spent a lot of time with us before leaving (like spending the night, being there when they woke up, helping with homework and all). So we have eased that already, its just the "now he's kinda gone" part and then he wants to spend 3 days to a week straight at home with us as soon as he gets back. He has already said he plans to be there every day for the day to day stuff, I'm just trying to think of how to keep them used to him so its not a big shock again when he's home!

    BiggyBiggs...the Wifey that makes me go "WoW"
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    #6
    Quote Originally Posted by littlemiss View Post
    They already know that we are in a relationship, and he spent a lot of time with us before leaving (like spending the night, being there when they woke up, helping with homework and all). So we have eased that already, its just the "now he's kinda gone" part and then he wants to spend 3 days to a week straight at home with us as soon as he gets back. He has already said he plans to be there every day for the day to day stuff, I'm just trying to think of how to keep them used to him so its not a big shock again when he's home!
    Ahhh ok I see what you're saying. Well... kids can be surprisingly flexible. My kids miss DH when he's gone and they're thrilled when he comes home. That's about it! LOL
    Beth, Mama to Emmalee (12), Evan (9), and Ella (4 on May 7) (I really REALLY need to update my picture!)
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    #7
    My kids are around the same age too, we are not married though. DB just kinda stepped in, he is very hands on and Daddy-O is NOT, even though they seem him regularly. My kids LOVE DB. They miss is very badly and talk about him constantly. My oldest writes letters to him and we email pictures to him also. My youngest draws pictures for him. I thought they would kinda forget about him, but it seems they talk about him more each day. They call him by his first name and they know that mommy loves him. Beyond that it is what it is.
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    #8
    Quote Originally Posted by BethM View Post
    Ahhh ok I see what you're saying. Well... kids can be surprisingly flexible. My kids miss DH when he's gone and they're thrilled when he comes home. That's about it! LOL
    hey beth i have a question i hope u dont mind me asking but i was wondering do your kids have your dh's benifits? i have 2 kids and their dad is not around either and my fiance has been their "dad" and we are getting married when he is done with basic but i was wondering how all that goes
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    #9
    Quote Originally Posted by 00angel00 View Post
    hey beth i have a question i hope u dont mind me asking but i was wondering do your kids have your dh's benifits? i have 2 kids and their dad is not around either and my fiance has been their "dad" and we are getting married when he is done with basic but i was wondering how all that goes
    Your kids will be considered his dependents as well as you will be and that means they will be eligible for tricare. When they are 10 they will be eligible to get an ID card.

    Just so you know, it would be best to start your own thread or report YOUR post in order to have it moved into its own thread so that if you have more questions they won't get missed.
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    #10
    In regards to the OP, step kids (or future step kids) or real kids keep them the same way in regards to separations (deployments etc).
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