Help! I have an anger 4yr old

[Daniyelle]

Here's the issue....

I think my 4 yr old son is MAD because Daddy has been gone since May. We get to see him on the computer a few times a week, and recently Gavin doesn't ever want to talk to him. Up until the last few weeks he would get so excited when Kris would be online. And whenever he gets in trouble, or I send him to timeout for not listening or whatever, he gets really angry. Then the tears start, he only cries tears when he is really hurt physically or his feeling are hurt. I try and get him to explain to me why he is angry, but usually all I get is "I want my Daddy." So, I'm assuming he is mad that Daddy isn't around.

I don't know what else to tell him. He knows Daddy is in the desert helping keep people safe from the bad guys. And that he will be home soon, next month. I'm worried about him not wanting anything to do with Kris when he gets home.

Do you guys have any tips to get him excited about Daddy coming home instead of being mad at him?

[browneyedbeauty]

awww poor baby.

Does he realize how close a month is?

[Daniyelle]

No, he doesn't have the concept of time yet. I tell him after Halloween.

[browneyedbeauty]

Maybe you could get a calendar and count down the days? If you've been saying Daddy will be home before you know it or he'll be back soon he might think soon is never gonna come.

[PrincessBlue505]

DH is only gone for 3 weeks right now, but DD just turned 3 and is having a really hard time with his absence this time. Usually he's just gone for a long weekend, so this is a little long for her.

Anyway, she has a Daddy doll which is helping her. She sleeps with it and hugs it good night.

I also made one of those paper chains (like kids in school do for Christmas) for how many days he's going to be gone. Each night she tears one off and then we count the rest of them together. When we get to the last one, I tell her that's how many days we have left until Daddy comes home. She gets excited about tearing one off and I think it helps some. Not entirely (some days she tells me Daddy is coming home tomorrow or when we're getting ready to go somewhere she'll ask if we're going to Daddy's work to pick him up), but I think it helps her with the concept of days a little bit.

You could also do this with a jar of hershey kisses if the chain is too long. He could get a kiss from Dad every night before bed and when the jar is empty, he'll get a real kiss from Dad.

DH will be gone all next winter for winter training. A chain would be too long for a couple months worth of being gone. I'm going to make a big pic of Fat Albert (the original idea is a ship for sailors on cruise, but you can adapt it to fit you), print and cut out little pics of DH (original idea is outlines of a generic sailor so the kids can color them before they go on the ship) and stick one for each day he's gone on the Fat Albert pic. When the plane is empty, that means DH will be home.

We also have pics of DH on the comp, little picture books made of him and her, and a DVD of the 2 of them. We'll look through them or watch the DVD if she starts missing him too much. It seems to really help her to see the 2 of them together and see how happy she was in with him in the pics and on the DVD.

We have the Sesame Street DVD about deployments that she watches and likes, but I don't think she's able to associate how Elmo's Dad going away is just like when her Dad is gone. So it doesn't really help her yet, but your son is older than DD.

That's all I can think of right now that we do that helps her.

[Heather]

My daughter was 4 when my husband was on deployment. IMO its all about your attitude. Kids can pick up on everything.

When my husband was gone I made it a point to keep busy. We met with friends every weekend. We went to parks. Spent time at the zoo, the beach and the pool. We'd have movie nights with pizza. We met with the FRG monthly. I think there was maybe 4 days the whole 7 months where we didn't leave the house. We didn't dwell on the fact daddy was gone. I think by me showing my kids I was ok with daddy being gone it let them know it was ok for them to be ok having daddy gone. They both had their moments where they missed him and I let them know it was ok to miss him and that I missed him too. I always told them "I know you miss daddy. I miss him too and he misses us."

My daughter is very much a daddies girl so she had a harder time with him being gone then my son. I asked my husband to write each kid their own personal email every now and then. A little something special just for them. I'd print it out and let them keep it. We talked a lot about what special days were going to happen before daddy would be home. I think the little marks along the way made the time go by faster. Like so many days until Uncle Brians birthday, count down to Uncle Brians birthday, then Yay Its Uncle Brians birthday whats the next specail day? Grandma and grandpa visit!!! Count down to that and so on. My daughter didn't have a good concept of time yet so that really helped her.

There is also a reading program some of the bigger ships do (I could be wrong and small ships might do it too). I can't think of whats it called but you could have your husband look into it. He gets time to read a childrens book and its gets recorded on DVD. The DVD is sent to you and you get to watch it at home. My husband never did it but I heard other people RAVE about this program. Its free too. He can tell you ahead of time what book he read and you go buy the book so your child can read a book with daddy.

[Daniyelle]

Originally Posted by PrincessBlue505 DH is only gone for 3 weeks right now, but DD just turned 3 and is having a really hard time with his absence this time. Usually he's just gone for a long weekend, so this is a little long for her. Anyway, she has a Daddy doll which is helping her. She sleeps with it and hugs it good night. I also made one of those paper chains (like kids in school do for Christmas) for how many days he's going to be gone. Each night she tears one off and then we count the rest of them together. When we get to the last one, I tell her that's how many days we have left until Daddy comes home. She gets excited about tearing one off and I think it helps some. Not entirely (some days she tells me Daddy is coming home tomorrow or when we're getting ready to go somewhere she'll ask if we're going to Daddy's work to pick him up), but I think it helps her with the concept of days a little bit. You could also do this with a jar of hershey kisses if the chain is too long. He could get a kiss from Dad every night before bed and when the jar is empty, he'll get a real kiss from Dad. DH will be gone all next winter for winter training. A chain would be too long for a couple months worth of being gone. I'm going to make a big pic of Fat Albert (the original idea is a ship for sailors on cruise, but you can adapt it to fit you), print and cut out little pics of DH (original idea is outlines of a generic sailor so the kids can color them before they go on the ship) and stick one for each day he's gone on the Fat Albert pic. When the plane is empty, that means DH will be home. We also have pics of DH on the comp, little picture books made of him and her, and a DVD of the 2 of them. We'll look through them or watch the DVD if she starts missing him too much. It seems to really help her to see the 2 of them together and see how happy she was in with him in the pics and on the DVD. We have the Sesame Street DVD about deployments that she watches and likes, but I don't think she's able to associate how Elmo's Dad going away is just like when her Dad is gone. So it doesn't really help her yet, but your son is older than DD. That's all I can think of right now that we do that helps her.

We had dogtags made from daddydolls.com. He really liked them at first, but now he doesn't really care.

We have a paper chain. He does get excited about that, especially since it is SOOO much shorter now.

I have pics of Daddy on the fridge, on the front door, and hanging in DS's room.

And we have the Elmo DVD.

I feel like I've done all I can. I guess he is just tired of him being gone, I know I am. And he's probably tired of being with me all the time.

[Daniyelle]

Originally Posted by Heather My daughter was 4 when my husband was on deployment. IMO its all about your attitude. Kids can pick up on everything. When my husband was gone I made it a point to keep busy. We met with friends every weekend. We went to parks. Spent time at the zoo, the beach and the pool. We'd have movie nights with pizza. We met with the FRG monthly. I think there was maybe 4 days the whole 7 months where we didn't leave the house. We didn't dwell on the fact daddy was gone. I think by me showing my kids I was ok with daddy being gone it let them know it was ok for them to be ok having daddy gone. They both had their moments where they missed him and I let them know it was ok to miss him and that I missed him too. I always told them "I know you miss daddy. I miss him too and he misses us." My daughter is very much a daddies girl so she had a harder time with him being gone then my son. I asked my husband to write each kid their own personal email every now and then. A little something special just for them. I'd print it out and let them keep it. We talked a lot about what special days were going to happen before daddy would be home. I think the little marks along the way made the time go by faster. Like so many days until Uncle Brians birthday, count down to Uncle Brians birthday, then Yay Its Uncle Brians birthday whats the next specail day? Grandma and grandpa visit!!! Count down to that and so on. My daughter didn't have a good concept of time yet so that really helped her.

Before DH left, I bought a bunch of cards he could send home to DS. He loves getting one in the mail. We are always running around town staying busy. I try to play games with him at night to help stay busy. And he always tells me he misses daddy and wants to know "when is daddy coming home", but whenever we get to talk to DH on the computer, Gav doesn't want to talk.

I just hope that when he does come home, Gavin won't push him away and not want anything to do with him.

I'm counting down the days.....

[Heather]

Sometimes my kids wont want to talk on the phone but if I just hand them the phone and make them talk they end up being glad they did. Maybe when you get to talk to him next time just pick up your son and sit him with you without asking him if he'd like to talk or not.

[PrincessBlue505]

When you take off a chain link every night and count how many days are left, have you tried talking to your son about all the fun stuff he and daddy will do when that last link is gone and Daddy's finally home again?

When DD brings up Daddy, I tell her how much he loves her, remind her how many days are left, and then talk about all the fun stuff they've done together in the past and the fun stuff they'll do when he comes home. I also ask her what she's excited about doing with Daddy when he gets back. That takes her mind off of him being gone and she gets really excited about and focuses on him coming home.

It really does sound like you've tried everything. Maybe he just needs his dad.

And DD goes through phases when she doesn't want to talk to DH on the phone when he calls. But she's always excited when she sees him when he gets back, even if it was just the day before that she wasn't wanting to talk to him on the phone.