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Thread: A Poem (Honest Opinions, Please!)

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    #1

    A Poem (Honest Opinions, Please!)

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    La Fin / The End

    Je me sens la chute ciel autour de moi,
    le sol cedar la place au-dessous de moi,
    et les eaux se lever autour de moi.
    Bien que le monde ne s'arrete pas,
    il se bloque.
    Bien qu'il ne meurt pas,
    il souffre.

    Ne pleure pas, les yeux doux.
    Tout sera bientot fini.



    I feel the sky falling around me,
    the ground give way beneath me,
    and the waters rise around me.
    Though the world does not end,
    it crashes.
    Though it does not die,
    it suffers.

    Don't cry, sweet eyes.
    Everything will end soon.


    I originally wrote it in French (thank you high school lol) then did a rough translation to English, which means my French grammar may be off, but I haven't had any complaints from those I know for whom French is their first language, so...

    What do you think?
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    #2
    I struggle with the "Though the world does not end/ it crashes./ Though it does not die/ it suffers." It feels abrupt and jarring. I feel you could put it in a new stanza and that might lessen the dissonance.

    The last line feels awfully ominous to me.
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    #3
    I think it sounds fine. Your English translation should have "gives" instead of "give."
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    #4
    Also, very cool picture.
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    #5
    Quote Originally Posted by Peekaboo View Post
    I think it sounds fine. Your English translation should have "gives" instead of "give."
    Actually, I think "give" works:
    I feel.../the ground give way...
    "gives" sounds off to me.
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    #6
    Quote Originally Posted by Lychee View Post
    I struggle with the "Though the world does not end/ it crashes./ Though it does not die/ it suffers." It feels abrupt and jarring. I feel you could put it in a new stanza and that might lessen the dissonance.

    The last line feels awfully ominous to me.
    I was going for abruptness to give that feeling of sudden painful change that occurs so often in life.
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    #7
    Quote Originally Posted by layny View Post
    I was going for abruptness to give that feeling of sudden painful change that occurs so often in life.
    I understand that. It also creates a sense of distance from the speaker.

    Perhaps it's the word choice of "crashes" and "suffers". I like the idea that the

    Though the world does not end,
    it shatters.
    Though it does not die,
    it rends.
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    #8
    Quote Originally Posted by layny View Post
    Actually, I think "give" works:
    I feel.../the ground give way...
    "gives" sounds off to me.
    Ah, you're probably right. I wasn't reading it like that, I guess.
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    #9
    Got this critique on another site for this poem. It totally made my week!

    "I really liked reading this, each line had meaning and I admire the brevity also, it made for a short, brief write but also one filled with an almost calm realization---- our days will come to an end sometime but we must not be afraid, we must love while we still have our breath. With your last line it made me possibly think of another side, that knowing there will be a true "end" is better than this pain being dragged on.... I kind of saw this as prophetic in a way: "Though the world does not end, it crashes. Though it does not die, it suffers.".... I really can see that as the truth, because life still goes on even if we can barely make it through, and sometimes we may feel it's too much, that if there was a promise of the end, there would be no more struggle. Good emotion in this, you put so much expression very simply but also brought me into this melancholy kind of atmosphere of thinking about the end, to whatever it may be."

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