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Thread: How do you divy up holidays?

  1. MilitarySOS Jewel
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    #1

    How do you divy up holidays?

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    How do you split your holidays when you are away from family and in laws? My parents are in FL and DHs family is in VA starting this year we're planning on alternating holidays (thanksgiving/Christmas) with them so this year we're doing Thanksgiving with DHs family and Christmas with mine and next year it will be vice versa. My thoughts are more once we move to FL I don't know that we will be able to travel/fly to VA every year either due to finances or because of the Navy so I'm debating proposing still alternating but every other year they come to us. So like next year (2017) having my parents to our house for Thanksgiving and go to VA for Christmas and then 2018 have DHs family to FL for Christmas and we go to my parents for Thanksgiving.

    To me this seems "fair" so we aren't always the only ones who have to travel/ pay for plane tickets etc but I see it being an issue or DHs family just not coming when they are invited to FL. What do y'all think? Would this system work with your families?
  2. Pour a little salt, we were never here
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    #2
    We don't. Generally we spend his time off for holiday's together. It's a combination of reasons but generally we stay home/go camping. We both have larger families in two different states that do large get togethers, so we don't expect people to miss out on the family traditions to visit us but my immediate family has a standing invitation if they ever wanted to (his mom lives near us but likes to work holidays). We generally don't travel to either family during the holidays because if we stay in town, DH gets one week off without taking leave, and the week he works is slow/light/short days. If he wanted to travel he would have to take actual leave (and be picked as one of the people who can take leave at that time)

    In eight years we've had me fly home alone for Christmas once, My parents and brother drive to us for Christmas once, and we did a Thanksgiving in October because my parents were visiting and his mom came over too.

    Your plan sounds okay in theory assuming you both have very flexible parents and small families, but it seems like it would get sticky fast if he misses one holiday, or both holidays that year, I guess I'd just figure out how to reset after that. Also, if either of you have siblings figuring out how they play into it, what they want/are willing to do, etc...
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    #3
    We don't usually go home either. We did get to spend one Christmas at home about 3 years ago but only cause we were in the middle of a PCS. We did Christmas eve with his family and Christmas day with mine.

    It's just difficult to get home because, for the last 8 years, we've always been stationed at least halfway across the country from our families (they're in the same town). Getting leave and finding someone to watch our 2 large dogs, plus getting the plane tickets is just too much trouble so we stay home.

    Last thanksgiving DH'S family visited, and this year my parents will be visiting. Then we're PCSing in January so we may celebrate Christmas late.




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    #4
    We stay home. Period. We NEVER visit for holidays. Our parents all live in the same town and you'd think that would make it easier, but it's absolutely the opposite.

    ETA: Everyone on both sides knows they are always welcome to visit us for the holidays if they wish.
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    #5
    I think your plan sounds fair. They can't expect you two to always be the ones dropping everything and spending all that money on tickets.

    I'm going through something kind of similar. Both our families live I'm the same town so when we go home for Christmas the agreement was Christmas Eve with one family and Christmas Day with the other, but MIL has decided that we should skip Christmas so that we have the money to be there for my brother in law's graduation. I understand that that is an important event, but I felt that it was selfish. Just because his side is okay with giving ip seeing us on Christmas to see us at the graduation doesn't mean me or my side is and it will also be a lot harder for DH to get leave at that time.
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    #6
    We just do whatever makes sense that year, and figure out how long it's been since we've seen each side of the family. In 5 yrs together, we've done Xmas with my family 3 times, but Thanksgiving never. Last year we did Xmas at home in our new house, alone, but the parents all came to visit us. This year we'll be in Germany, and next year in Japan, so they kinda all just gotta get used to us missing things. My family cares less than DH's. My parents are very flexible (Xmas in February for example ) but his family does the whole huge traditional get together thing. We are doing Thanksgiving with his family again this year, but promised my parents get us next year since we've never been there for it yet.
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    #7
    Quote Originally Posted by [his] lobster View Post
    We don't. Generally we spend his time off for holiday's together. It's a combination of reasons but generally we stay home/go camping. We both have larger families in two different states that do large get togethers, so we don't expect people to miss out on the family traditions to visit us but my immediate family has a standing invitation if they ever wanted to (his mom lives near us but likes to work holidays). We generally don't travel to either family during the holidays because if we stay in town, DH gets one week off without taking leave, and the week he works is slow/light/short days. If he wanted to travel he would have to take actual leave (and be picked as one of the people who can take leave at that time)

    In eight years we've had me fly home alone for Christmas once, My parents and brother drive to us for Christmas once, and we did a Thanksgiving in October because my parents were visiting and his mom came over too.

    Your plan sounds okay in theory assuming you both have very flexible parents and small families, but it seems like it would get sticky fast if he misses one holiday, or both holidays that year, I guess I'd just figure out how to reset after that. Also, if either of you have siblings figuring out how they play into it, what they want/are willing to do, etc...
    Quote Originally Posted by idratherbehiking View Post
    We don't usually go home either. We did get to spend one Christmas at home about 3 years ago but only cause we were in the middle of a PCS. We did Christmas eve with his family and Christmas day with mine.

    It's just difficult to get home because, for the last 8 years, we've always been stationed at least halfway across the country from our families (they're in the same town). Getting leave and finding someone to watch our 2 large dogs, plus getting the plane tickets is just too much trouble so we stay home.

    Last thanksgiving DH'S family visited, and this year my parents will be visiting. Then we're PCSing in January so we may celebrate Christmas late.
    Quote Originally Posted by TheSisterWife View Post
    We stay home. Period. We NEVER visit for holidays. Our parents all live in the same town and you'd think that would make it easier, but it's absolutely the opposite.

    ETA: Everyone on both sides knows they are always welcome to visit us for the holidays if they wish.
    the way y'all do it sounds so much easier! But I know that would piss people off unfortunately. this was kind of my "compromise" because DHs still thinks we need to travel to VA every year like he did from CA but to me that just seems like a very one sided relationship and not really fair to us. I would much rather spend the holidays at home all the time with us, the dogs and future children.

    Quote Originally Posted by Sabrina22LE View Post
    I think your plan sounds fair. They can't expect you two to always be the ones dropping everything and spending all that money on tickets.

    I'm going through something kind of similar. Both our families live I'm the same town so when we go home for Christmas the agreement was Christmas Eve with one family and Christmas Day with the other, but MIL has decided that we should skip Christmas so that we have the money to be there for my brother in law's graduation. I understand that that is an important event, but I felt that it was selfish. Just because his side is okay with giving ip seeing us on Christmas to see us at the graduation doesn't mean me or my side is and it will also be a lot harder for DH to get leave at that time.
    thanks! Your situation sounds bad... I don't even know how I would approach that because honestly it is selfish of them to ask you to skip the holidays with your family to come for something like a graduation months later

    DHs family is already upset because we're alternating and they say they didn't "get" Christmas last year because we went down the day after since DH had to work Christmas day. I just honestly can't justify flying up here every single year if they can't justify coming to visit at all (and yes that is the precedence...they never went to CA and since we have been in DC (4ish hours from where they live) most have only come 1 time other than our wedding which they bitched about having to get a hotel for)
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    #8
    Oh I would much, much prefer spending the holidays with family. But it's just difficult with us living over 2,000 miles from home. Well that and several other reasons.




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    #9
    Quote Originally Posted by Wild*Rose View Post
    the way y'all do it sounds so much easier! But I know that would piss people off unfortunately. this was kind of my "compromise" because DHs still thinks we need to travel to VA every year like he did from CA but to me that just seems like a very one sided relationship and not really fair to us. I would much rather spend the holidays at home all the time with us, the dogs and future children.


    thanks! Your situation sounds bad... I don't even know how I would approach that because honestly it is selfish of them to ask you to skip the holidays with your family to come for something like a graduation months later

    DHs family is already upset because we're alternating and they say they didn't "get" Christmas last year because we went down the day after since DH had to work Christmas day. I just honestly can't justify flying up here every single year if they can't justify coming to visit at all (and yes that is the precedence...they never went to CA and since we have been in DC (4ish hours from where they live) most have only come 1 time other than our wedding which they bitched about having to get a hotel for)
    I honestly just do not care. After 10 years, if they haven't figured out that we do our own thing and won't give in to their crankiness, they're never gonna get it and I'm not gonna keep trying at my family's expense. We try to visit once a year, but there are six of us and two (each side) of them... and they are all MUCH more able to afford it. I refuse to be pulled this way and that and have my favorite season destroyed by silly turf battles. Christmas at home for me, TYVM!
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    #10
    We don't. We used to go back to our hometown at random times which sometimes happened to be during the holidays. His biological mom used to come to us until she passed. His grandma still comes to see us. Neither of them live/lived in our hometown though. We also went to them as well. After many years we decided to use that money and time to take our kids on actual vacations. His grandma has met us there for one and come to us and then gone on another. The family in our hometown is understanding, especially now that we're on the other side of the country so it hasn't been an issue. For various reasons none are able to come us. We use the phone, email, and social media to stay connected.
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