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Thread: A little salty?

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    #1

    A little salty?

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    So things have been fantastic with DH home - there wasn't really any weirdness or settling back in issues, it went surprisingly smoothly like we didn't miss a beat. We're planning a wedding ceremony this summer for friends and family to be at but we already tied the knot right after he got home. I am super proud of DH and I want to be 100% supportive of his career but he got picked up for another deployment which will also be over a year and I feel like no matter how happy and supportive I try to be it always comes off a little salty...which I guess I am. But I do support him and I want these things for him and I know he has to get them all in before he retires and in the long run it helps his retirement which helps me, we're married now so I don't need to worry about health insurance, we will have a crap ton of years together after he retires so it's not like I won't ever get time with him, and he's already brainstorming R&R ideas for next time...I am on board logically but there's moments my emotions are very salty about it LOL

    How do military spouses deal with that? does it ever get better like where you're just 100% on board and not salty or emotional at all ever? I mean I know I can handle it and we still have lots of fun things planned before he goes including the wedding ceremony it's just in a span of 3.5 years he's gone like 67% of the time which just seems like A LOT
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    #2
    I feel like salt is a permanent part of being a milso. DH has been deployed 6 months each year, for the last 3 years, and continues to get put on boats being taken out of the fleet. We've dealt with essentially the same orders bullshit multiple years in a row and now that it's affecting me because I need a game plan for when I get out soon I'm extra pissed. For the smaller things I tend to just roll with the punches and say "see ya when I see ya" because I'm used to it.
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    I can't tell from your post. Is this an option thing that he volunteer for, or something he was told he has to do and he can't really get out of. (My response is based on the latter.)

    Every relationship is different, but I've never felt the need to just go along with whatever DH wants professionally. And he's never wanted me to do that. Yes, he's the one who has to do the job, and that does have some extra weight in the decision making. But I think it's dangerous for a relationship for one person to feel like they always just need to (or even want to) suck it up for the sake of the other person's preferences and wishes.

    As for whether it gets easier, I'd say that it did get slightly easier eventually, but not to the point that I never get upset. In the last 6 months, DH and I have had two vacations canceled a few days out (one was 24 hours before departure) and that sucked. A lot. But I was able to remind myself that being pissed wasn't going to change things, so it was a waste of energy. (He had basically no choice.) That doesn't mean I didn't still waste some energy on it, but I was able to keep perspective. And I do think the more deployments I've done, the easier they are, although we don't have kids so I'm sure that could change things.

    Being supportive is NOT the same things as always saying yes. "I know how much your work means to you and I love how dedicated you are to it, and I really respect that about you and love you for it. But we need to discuss whether this is truly the best thing for us as a family. I'm concerned about you being gone for so long, so shortly after being home."

    Now, if this wasn't something he chose or had control over, then I think it's fine to be salty. I think that putting on a brave face and pretending it's fine when it isn't quite fine isn't healthy. If something was bothering your DH about an aspect of your life, would you rather her pretend it's all fine, or talk about it with you, even if there's not much about it you could change? He can support you by comforting and reassuring you, or by maybe going out of his way to address some of the specific aspects that might be bothering you.
    Science always wins over bullshit. ~Dick Rutkowski
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    #4
    I guess I should have specified yes he put in for another deployment and got picked up for it - heís already been in 21 years so heís retiring soon and wants another deployment under his belt. It helps with retirement and when itís donw heís talked about letting me use his GI bill to get my masters degree. There is stuff in it for me/our family and logically I get that but emotionally Iím salty and I definitely donít want to spend the next bunch of months we have being emotional or stressed about the deployment- when it was a possibility I was fine now that I know he was picked up for it Iím not so much
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    #5
    If he hasn't already transferred his GI Bill to you, he needs to look in to that ASAP. If he's retiring soon, it may already be too late if he hasn't added you yet, and the policy is changing this July so that he DEFINITELY won't be able to (has to be less than 16 years of service time, starting in July). Just FYI. Before that July change starts, I think he has to qualify for (and commit to serve) an additional 4 years in order to be eligible to transfer.
    Science always wins over bullshit. ~Dick Rutkowski
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    #6
    Vill is 100% correct on the GI Bill. That needs to be done ASAP.

    With the salty thing, it think its normal. Having a spouse in the military who is deployed sucks. There is no rosy way to paint it. Yes you might get time to grow as a person and focus on things that make you happy, but being the person at home sucks because you are supposed to keep it all afloat while they go away for a year or however long for work, and then when they come back, you have to let them back in per se when you have been managing without them.

    It's kind of like embracing the suck. You can't slap a smile on yourself and never allow yourself to feel the sucky emotions. You need to feel them, and then find a way to keep moving forward.
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    #7
    Did he talk to you about it before volunteering for another deployment?
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    #8
    Thank you all, yes he talked to me first. I had said as long as it was after our ceremony this summer I'd support his decision, I definitely wasn't thrilled but I don't want to hold back his career goals either so I will support his choices, I just still feel salty. It's not like he went behind my back to do it or anything, I just kind of wish he didn't want to deploy lol

    And thanks for the heads up on the GI bill I had no idea.
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    #9
    Update I mentioned the GI bill thing to DH and it turns out he had already transferred it to me a couple weeks ago - so I guess no issue there.

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