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Thread: super long life update :/

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    #1

    super long life update :/

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    Hi friends!

    Man, it's been a while since I've logged on here. Grab a drink and a snack, because do I have the life update.

    DB got home from deployment in March. Things were pretty much fine up until May. I went home to Georgia with him over Memorial Day weekend to meet his mom and grandparents for the first time, since his mom invited me to his sister's high school graduation. The weekend was amazing until the last night. He started drinking during dinner and cracked a joke about my mom being a wine mom and getting tipsy off wine and (half-jokingly) talking about living with us when she's old and we're married. I got upset with him because my mom is my best friend and I didn't think it was fair for him to make fun of her. He gave me a half assed apology. I was pretty bummed out for the rest of the night and he kept drinking and ended up getting super drunk. When we got back to where we were staying that night, we ended up getting in a huge fight because I told him that if I had to accept that he has no empathy skills because that's just who he is (which he said to me before), then he had to accept that I'm emotional. He went off on me and yelled and told me I'm overly sensitive, easily offended, and needed to essentially shut up about my feelings because he had actual problems in his life (meanwhile 2 weeks before I had gotten the results from a sexual assault case I pressed against a former coworker which found that he did nothing wrong). I just remember sobbing and him apologizing, saying he was drunk and an alcoholic and it wasn't fair for us to fight then anyway because he wouldn't remember it in the morning. I was stunned that he called himself an alcoholic. I cried on the drive back up to North Carolina the next day and didn't tell anyone about it.

    I couldn't stop thinking about him calling himself an alcoholic, so I called him a few days later and asked him if he remembered that part of the argument. He said he didn't, and was probably just saying that because he was drunk at the time and he didn't have a problem with alcohol. I had no reason not to believe him and was relieved. The rest of the summer was okay. He got mono (from me when I had it in December LOL) and was on a dead man's profile for a few weeks, but after that came to see me as often as he could. Except what would happen was he would promise to come for a weekend, then cancel on me for one of the nights because his friends would be throwing a party and he'd want to go. I was trying to be a ~cool girlfriend~ so I didn't say anything about him ditching me. One time we specifically planned a date to go ballroom dancing and I told him the class was at 9pm. He got off work at 3pm that day and didn't show up at my house until 9:15pm. I was so upset y'all, because I was really starting to feel like he didn't respect my time because he was always cancelling on me, showing up to my house late, etc that it was kind of the final straw. I tried telling him that I was upset about it and he basically deflected it, saying that he had to do laundry, he'd gone to a funeral that day (an hour later he told me the funeral was for a WWII vet he didn't even know which like I'm pretty sure he told me he had to go to a funeral to get me off his ass about being late), that he'd make it up to me, etc. So I stopped telling him when I was upset because between that and our fight in Georgia he'd made it pretty clear he didn't give a shit about my feelings.

    In August I got a new job because I moved back to school and I started working in a restaurant. Man, those people became my friends super fast. I started picking up more hours at work, especially on weekends, because DB was cancelling weekends on me to party with his friends more and more often. One of my coworkers had been flirting with me like crazy and even asked me out, so I started making it clear to him that I had a boyfriend. He didn't care and flirted with me anyway LOL.

    Around a month ago, DB did the cancelling to party thing again. The next morning I woke up to a text from him that he was in the ER because he had gotten in a fight the night before (not the first time he'd fought while in a relationship with me, which should had been a red flag from the beginning). I asked him what had happened and he said he and his friends got drunk and picked a fight with some other dudes and lost. An hour later he called me. He said he really needed to talk to me so he was going to drive up to my place and see me, because what had really happened was that he took a shit ton of acid and had a really bad trip. I was floored. He had told me before we started dating that he'd had a drug problem before he joined but had been clean since then. Relapsing was a huge deal. I let him come over and he basically fell apart and started crying and telling me how depressed he'd been and that he's an addict and alcoholic and that he needed to get help. I asked him if he lied to me when I asked him about being an alcoholic the first time and he said yes. I kind of realized that he ditched me to party all those times so he could get drunk because he couldn't get drunk with me without setting off red flags since I don't drink. He apologized and felt like he'd betrayed me and I encouraged him to get help. He was diagnosed with severe bipolar disorder a week and a half later and prescribed medication and mandatory therapy sessions.

    That week was... uhh, rough. He really started pulling away from me after he was diagnosed with bipolar disorder, but I kept trying to be there for him. At the same time, my coworker really ramped up the flirting. He was giving me so much positive attention that DB hadn't given me in months. Not going to lie, it felt great, and I felt horrible about it. I decided I needed to tell DB that I wanted more romantic attention from him. He asked if he could get lunch with me in between my shifts for a double I was pulling, which I thought was the perfect opportunity to talk to him about it, even though I was scared to because I wasn't sure how he'd react. I called him after I got cut and told him to meet me at my house.

    He got there and I tried to hold his hand to walk from his car to my front door and he pulled it away from me. I think that's when I knew. He said he needed to talk to me, and we got inside and he sat down on my bed and said, "I think we should split up." God, I'm crying again as I'm writing this :/ I broke down. I mean, this was someone I'd talked about marriage and kids and a future with, and he was breaking up with me. I really felt like my world was crashing down around me. His reasoning was that he really needed to focus on his treatment for bipolar and substance abuse and couldn't do that in a relationship. He felt like he was too fucked up to be with me. He even told me that his (emotionally abusive) mom told him that I was too good for him and she knew it when she met me in May. And he didn't want me to wait around for him during trainings and his next deployment and that it'd be better if he was alone. I was so angry, because I was ready to support him through treatment and flat out told him that I had already come to terms with deployments, etc since I knew he was in the Army when we started dating (he also had no problem with me waiting for him after we'd only dated for a month so like... yeah right). He told me he still wanted to talk and stuff, and I kind of went in on him. There was no way I'd ever be able to move on from him if we were still talking all the time and I had to cut him off to do it. I don't think he expected me to say that because that's when he started crying too. We just sat there for 30 minutes holding each other and crying. I didn't want to let go because I knew that'd be the last time I saw him. He finally left an hour before I had to go back to work.

    I called my mom and sobbed about it to her, and also told her about my coworker and how I'd been planning to talk to now-ex-DB about wanting more romantic attention and how that was supposed to fix things and she was like, "Why don't you try to hang out with him?" So I texted my coworker and he ended up coming over that night after work. We were trying to decide where to go and I finally said, "I don't give a shit what we do. I got dumped today." He just nodded and said, "I knew something was wrong when you texted me. I'm sorry, that sucks." We ended up sleeping together. Part of me felt horrible for rebounding so quickly, but most of me felt comforted, like this breakup wouldn't be the end of the world and that there'd still be people who liked spending time with me (because the girls I thought were my close friends had pulled away from me too).

    So I guess since then I've just been trying to be productive. I'm in a research seminar this semester, so I've been diving into that and thinking about going to grad school. I work 20-30 hours a week on top of classes, so my social life has become seeing my coworkers both at and outside of work because we all have the same crazy restaurant hours to deal with. And the one who asked me out has become my FWB, but I think we're kind of in limbo between being FWB and dating. Neither of us is seeing anyone else, we go out all the time, and he's joked about being my boyfriend. Like, I've met more of his friends than I ever met of ex-DB's, which is crazy to me in a way that shouldn't be a big deal, if that tells you anything about the relationship I was in with ex-DB. I don't think I'd mind dating my FWB because I actually like hanging out with him a lot, but I'd want to take it extremeeeeellyyyyyyyy slow since I've only really been single for a month. Also, he was in the IDF, so I guess I can't escape the military, LOL. But after everything that's happened, I don't think I'll ever date someone active duty again. It's just not the life for me.

    So I guess that's my long-ass life update lol. Sorry it was so long and rambly!

    Tl;dr: DB was diagnosed with bipolar disorder/substance abuse issues, he dumped me, I rebounded with my coworker who's now my FWB/we're kind of maybe seeing each other, and I work all the time
  2. "...now do Classical Gas"
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    #2
    Oooof. Ouch. I’m so sorry this is hurting you.

    There probably IS a decent man somewhere inside him. That’s the part of him you thought you could love...but he can’t be that man while he’s as sick as he is now. He needs more help than you can give him, or than any partner alone could give him, to get his substance abuse issues under control, and finding a way to manage his bipolar disorder is just as complex. As I said, he needs a lot of help. Professional help, probably for a long time. While he’s getting it, he may not be able to be in the army any more.

    Even so, he needs both of these things to be managed safely, for his own sake, and that...might take a while to get right.

    You’ve done nothing wrong here. You could care about him incredibly deeply, but that wouldn’t be enough on its own to make him well, and trying to make yourself be enough would have destroyed you.
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    #3
    You have done nothing wrong. It sounds like, at this point, you are in love with either who you thought he was, or the relationship you once had. But it sounds like he is no longer that guy and/or yours is no longer that relationship. So at this point, you are clinging to what was, rather than what you actually have. It's hard to let go of something around which we've made dreams and plans, and into which we've invested so much time and energy.

    You might also consider looking in to al-anon or some other support group for the loved ones of addicts.

    I'm sorry.
    Science always wins over bullshit. ~Dick Rutkowski
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    #4
    Quote Originally Posted by Matchbox View Post
    Oooof. Ouch. I’m so sorry this is hurting you.

    There probably IS a decent man somewhere inside him. That’s the part of him you thought you could love...but he can’t be that man while he’s as sick as he is now. He needs more help than you can give him, or than any partner alone could give him, to get his substance abuse issues under control, and finding a way to manage his bipolar disorder is just as complex. As I said, he needs a lot of help. Professional help, probably for a long time. While he’s getting it, he may not be able to be in the army any more.

    Even so, he needs both of these things to be managed safely, for his own sake, and that...might take a while to get right.

    You’ve done nothing wrong here. You could care about him incredibly deeply, but that wouldn’t be enough on its own to make him well, and trying to make yourself be enough would have destroyed you.
    I think this is why everyone is telling me I dodged a bullet. I was already getting to be so exhausted trying to work on being "sensitive" (I'm not sensitive, it just turns out that he really has no emotional interpersonal skills :/ ) and give him what he needed from me, and I can't imagine how else I'd try to justify changing myself for him if I'd stayed in a relationship with him.

    Quote Originally Posted by villanelle View Post
    You have done nothing wrong. It sounds like, at this point, you are in love with either who you thought he was, or the relationship you once had. But it sounds like he is no longer that guy and/or yours is no longer that relationship. So at this point, you are clinging to what was, rather than what you actually have. It's hard to let go of something around which we've made dreams and plans, and into which we've invested so much time and energy.

    You might also consider looking in to al-anon or some other support group for the loved ones of addicts.

    I'm sorry.
    Yeah, I'm still in love with the guy I fell in love with a year ago, not who he is now. He really changed a lot over the past year but suppressed his emotions so I had no idea until last month. I don't think I've taken the time to mourn the relationship. In fact, I've been avoiding it just because I want life to keep going. I just want things to be as normal as possible. Maybe I'll make time to wallow after my next deadline :/

    Do you think al-anon will help even if you stop talking to your loved one? At this point he's out of my life.


    Thank you both for responding <3
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    #5
    I am sad for him, but hopeful.
    I hope he gets the help he needs. Something I have learned through AA and through trying to help other alcoholics, is that nothing is wasted in God's economy, and we are not meant to save someone from hitting their own rock bottom. You cannot take away their shovel, they need to put it down themselves. It's hard to see someone suffer, and it's hard to love someone who is an alcoholic/addict. It's a disease that tells you that you don't have a disease, and it is a wild fire in our armed services.... that's another rant for another day....
    I'm proud of you for not doing whatever it would have taken to make things work with him..... because it never works..... but it can be a quick way to become an enabler, and that is a fast way for a terrible life.

    So I'm really proud of you. Seriously. There is a reason the program has so much to do with amends, we make shit of people's lives when they care about us when we are out in our sickness. I'm really glad you didn't get sucked in.
    I will pray for him and hope he gets the help he needs, and I hope his hospital stay and breaking up with you was his rock bottom, I really do.

    I'm glad you found someone who makes you happy. Favorite Work Buddy?
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    #6
    Quote Originally Posted by _andimcosette View Post
    I think this is why everyone is telling me I dodged a bullet. I was already getting to be so exhausted trying to work on being "sensitive" (I'm not sensitive, it just turns out that he really has no emotional interpersonal skills :/ ) and give him what he needed from me, and I can't imagine how else I'd try to justify changing myself for him if I'd stayed in a relationship with him.



    Yeah, I'm still in love with the guy I fell in love with a year ago, not who he is now. He really changed a lot over the past year but suppressed his emotions so I had no idea until last month. I don't think I've taken the time to mourn the relationship. In fact, I've been avoiding it just because I want life to keep going. I just want things to be as normal as possible. Maybe I'll make time to wallow after my next deadline :/

    Do you think al-anon will help even if you stop talking to your loved one? At this point he's out of my life.


    Thank you both for responding <3
    I think that depends on how you process all of this going forward. If you feel fairly okay, then there may be no point, if if you start feeling guilt or other emotions associated with wishing you could fix him, or feeling like you should have stayed and helped, or things along those lines, then it may be of value. Perhaps just file it as a possibility for down the road, if there is a need.
    Science always wins over bullshit. ~Dick Rutkowski
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    #7
    I'm late to the thread but wanted to throw my 2 cents in about Al-Anon, I think it's a wonderful program even after the A is out of your life because when you're in a relationship with an A (and I'm speaking from my personal experience, I am sure not everyone is the same) but even when you don't realize they are an A throughout the entire relationship there's things and behaviors and cycles that occur and it changes you almost without you even noticing. The first time I went to alanon i was skeptical, I didn't think I needed help, my ex-husband was the alcoholic he needed help, but I reluctantly went and listened and it was like someone else telling me the story of our relationship, things I thought only I went through, patterns and behaviors that I'd unwillingly picked up in an effort to survive a relationship with an A...things I needed to figure out and change and let go of so I could really move on and move forward with my life. I cannot say it will have the same impact on you but alanon was important for me to be able to get away from the shadow my ex-husband left on my life and even now years later when I no longer go to alanon or read the literature sometimes something comes up where the tools I learned there still come in useful for dealing with every day life. Bottom line it definitely wouldn't hurt to see if it might help

    I'm really sorry you went through this but as everyone else has said none of that was your fault...

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