Life after deployment

[Ilovemysailor16]

How do you guys adapt back to normal life with your SO comes home from deployment? Are things really different? Do you feel like your SO's have changed? My husband will be coming back soon and to be honest we have spent almost the whole time arguing. Our arguments are over petty stuff and usually about how I'm not involved in anything.We have had conversations about him doing better and he has yet to make that happen. I can't say anything to him because then I'm complaining and I'm not allowed to complain because I have been living in my home state the whole deployment..and apparently that makes it so much easier on me. We don't talk as much as we did when he first left and when he pulls into port he MIGHT FaceTime me...or he might call me for 5 mins. Prior to me he hasn't ever had to answer to anyone and never really had a serious gf...he's been in the military since college and he has done what is best for his career and himself. Now I feel like since we have been apart for so long he is back in that single man life..where I'm not a priority. I find out more information from his friends than I do him. Or he tells me one thing and tells them another. I thought us going on a vacation after deployment would help but I don't think he's even excited about that. When we do talk all he talks about is a upcoming bachelor party with his friends. I just don't know if we have grown apart? Or if its just the stress of life getting to us.

[Margot31]

I have found after each deployment is different. Our first one was a bit ugly. This one while we had a few rough days at first things are much better. Both of you have your own feelings, stress, and everything with deployment. Maybe consider the idea of going and talking to someone. There are plenty of resources out there even before coming home. Maybe start having a conversation now....about how things you guys want to do, how you have done things and how he would like to contribute when he gets home...Let alone the stress of the end of deployment is also there. Everyone is excited, tired, and just now try and start communication.

[idratherbehiking]

How do you guys adapt back to normal life with your SO comes home from deployment? Are things really different? Do you feel like your SO's have changed? My husband will be coming back soon and to be honest we have spent almost the whole time arguing. Our arguments are over petty stuff and usually about how I'm not involved in anything.We have had conversations about him doing better and he has yet to make that happen. I can't say anything to him because then I'm complaining and I'm not allowed to complain because I have been living in my home state the whole deployment..and apparently that makes it so much easier on me. We don't talk as much as we did when he first left and when he pulls into port he MIGHT FaceTime me...or he might call me for 5 mins. Prior to me he hasn't ever had to answer to anyone and never really had a serious gf...he's been in the military since college and he has done what is best for his career and himself. Now I feel like since we have been apart for so long he is back in that single man life..where I'm not a priority. I find out more information from his friends than I do him. Or he tells me one thing and tells them another. I thought us going on a vacation after deployment would help but I don't think he's even excited about that. When we do talk all he talks about is a upcoming bachelor party with his friends. I just don't know if we have grown apart? Or if its just the stress of life getting to us.

What does he mean by you're not "involved" in anything?

How long have y'all been married? How long did you two know each other before getting married?

This seems like more of a compatibility issue than just typical deployment stress. It wouldn't hurt to speak with a counselor BEFORE he gets home. Contact Military OneSource -- you're allowed up to 12 free sessions. Reintegration is real and these issues likely won't go away on their own when he gets home.

[villanelle]

It sounds like there are some pretty serious issues here that go well beyond deployment. How long were you together, and how long married, before he deployed?

I think counseling would be in order shortly after his arrival. Reintegration can be a bitch, even in a healthy, stable marriage without some of the issues you touch on. Don't tell him its because *he* needs to do better. Tell him it's because you think you both need help with communication and that you think it will help both of you. Hopefully he's willing, and hopefully it will.

[villanelle]

I just skimmed your other posts. Will you be living together when he gets back? Did you live together before he moved or were you always long distance?

[Ilovemysailor16]

We have been together for a little over 3 years and only a year of that was living in the same town. Most of our relationship has been long distance and me traveling back and forth to where ever he was at. We have been married almost a year and we were married 3 months prior to him being deployed. We had talked about me moving to him once he comes home but then he’s going to the ship yards somewhere and doesn’t know yet, then in 3 months he’s going to training somewhere else and it doesn’t make sense for me to “officially” move. However, I do plan to stay there a majority of the time. I feel like throughout this deployment I have been his friend instead of his wife.. our conversations haven’t been deep and it’s pretty much just asking how he is.. planning something for when he returns or me asking questions. I’m not involved in his decision making and I’m
not told of his plans.. example: when he first filled out his slate sheet he told me what he wanted to do and what’s best for his career.. which I understand because he makes significantly more money than I do, but I feel like my thoughts should be considered. My boiling point was when I had dinner with some of his friends and their wives and they casually mentioned what his plans are in the future... which all make sense because of the qualifications he’s getting but he hasn’t told me any of those. As far as I was concerned I thought he was doing 20 and just getting out. I love him.. I want to make it work but when you have spent the past 8+ months being someone’s friend it’s kind of hard.

[Ilovemysailor16]

I’m looking into counseling, but i live hours away from the closest base. I’m looking into doing it on my own with someone local.

[ArmyCupcake]

I’m looking into counseling, but i live hours away from the closest base. I’m looking into doing it on my own with someone local.

That’s great. MilitaryOneSource works with local providers. I used them years ago and you can search on their website who near you works with them.