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Thread: Has anyone felt the same?

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    #1

    Has anyone felt the same?

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    Happy Saturday everyone!
    I'm sort of looking for someone to tell me that all these feelings are normal. The Navy is moving my boyfriend in a little less than two weeks, from NY to San Diego. His qualifying exam is THIS week and he is feeling quite stressed. I'm doing my best to support him and stay positive, but I can't help but feel like every second we have here in NY is more important than anything else. This is a new relationship and the fact that he's moving across the country, permanently, is starting to really hit me. We had plans tonight and they fell through because he needs to keep his head in the game for this test. I'm feeling selfish and started to get mad at him for not immediately putting me first. I know that's wrong. I guess I'm just bummed and scared that if we don't spend as much time as possible here, things are going to be that much harder once he leaves
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    #2
    Quote Originally Posted by Christine8790 View Post
    Happy Saturday everyone!
    I'm sort of looking for someone to tell me that all these feelings are normal. The Navy is moving my boyfriend in a little less than two weeks, from NY to San Diego. His qualifying exam is THIS week and he is feeling quite stressed. I'm doing my best to support him and stay positive, but I can't help but feel like every second we have here in NY is more important than anything else. This is a new relationship and the fact that he's moving across the country, permanently, is starting to really hit me. We had plans tonight and they fell through because he needs to keep his head in the game for this test. I'm feeling selfish and started to get mad at him for not immediately putting me first. I know that's wrong. I guess I'm just bummed and scared that if we don't spend as much time as possible here, things are going to be that much harder once he leaves
    How long have you been together? How old are you?
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    #3
    It is hard when your SO is moving. Whether it is 3 hours and 3 days. In this case, he really needs to focus on his test as his career needs to be his number one right now. That is hard to stomach; but, it is something that will be a constant thing in the military.

    Like CDNTrish said, how old are you? How long together? This also will take a strong play in it too.
    "Obstinacy is a fault of temperament. Stubbornness and Intolerance of contradiction result from a special kind of Egotism, which elevates above everything else the pleasure of its own autonomous intellect, to which others must bow.: Carl von Clausewitz
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    This is a super new relationship. We are both 27 and have been together since January. I think that might be a large part of why I'm so nervous.
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    #5
    Quote Originally Posted by Christine8790 View Post
    This is a super new relationship. We are both 27 and have been together since January. I think that might be a large part of why I'm so nervous.
    It's incredibly unrealistic to expect to always come first, military relationship or not. While I get that you're stressed with the upcoming changes, getting mad at him for studying for a critical exam will only hurt you in the long-run. I hope you were able to see that, and give him the space and support he needs to study.

    As for the move, have you talked about your expectations and plans? Will you do long-distance? How long is he set to be in San Diego for? I ask because I once entered a long-distance relationship after a few months of dating (similar distances to your situation) and it was fun at first, but because we never had a plan for the future was exhausting and eventually didn't work out. Not saying the same thing will happen, but I think it's important to talk about expectations, even if only for the short-term, ie who visits who? how often do you communicate? phone calls? Skype? Having a game plan definitely helps me calm my nerves.
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    I do tend to over analyze things, and I was definitely in my head. I did give him the space he needed and told him I definitely understood.
    We've discussed a little actually. Once he gets settled in his new place, we will make plans for me to fly there to see him. We also talked about him flying back here this fall if time/leave permits. Do you think it's okay to ask how often we skype/facetime or talk on the phone? I don't want to seem overbearing but we did both agreed this is an exclusive relationship and will continue to communicate when we can. Should this be made more clear? There definitely will be more talks before he leaves. You're right, I want to have a game plan so we are both prepared.
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    #7
    Quote Originally Posted by Christine8790 View Post
    I do tend to over analyze things, and I was definitely in my head. I did give him the space he needed and told him I definitely understood.
    We've discussed a little actually. Once he gets settled in his new place, we will make plans for me to fly there to see him. We also talked about him flying back here this fall if time/leave permits. Do you think it's okay to ask how often we skype/facetime or talk on the phone? I don't want to seem overbearing but we did both agreed this is an exclusive relationship and will continue to communicate when we can. Should this be made more clear? There definitely will be more talks before he leaves. You're right, I want to have a game plan so we are both prepared.
    I definitely think it's not only OK to discuss communication expectations but it's necessary...

    DB and I live together but when he deployed we discussed the expectation for communication because this is a huge change for us, we always lived fairly close to each other (even before moving in) so we really never dealt with long distance. We were used to speaking every day multiple times a day. I'd never been through a deployment before. I'm also an emotional over-thinker, so the last thing I wanted was to feel butt-hurt because he's not calling when in reality he CAN'T call that often or it's not super feasible or what not. So we planned on once a week Skype and I was prepared for situations where the entire base could be on communication lockdown and he couldn't communicate on our scheduled days. That way I wouldn't be disappointed or upset over communication. That helped tremendously and in reality we've been able to Skype *almost* every day he's been there, so that was just a nice added bonus. I would recommend planning for less rather than anticipating more and being disappointed.

    I wouldn't approach it in an overbearing way like "any free time you must talk to me" more like can we plan on weekly Skype dates every Saturday night schedule permitting? Or some people opt for "can you send me a goodnight text every night" or whatever you and your SO feel comfortable with. I know before we moved in together DB and I hade the rule we always FaceTimed at bedtime to say goodnight even if it was 30 seconds when we were both in bed just saying "love you good night."
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    #8
    Quote Originally Posted by Christine8790 View Post
    I do tend to over analyze things, and I was definitely in my head. I did give him the space he needed and told him I definitely understood.
    We've discussed a little actually. Once he gets settled in his new place, we will make plans for me to fly there to see him. We also talked about him flying back here this fall if time/leave permits. Do you think it's okay to ask how often we skype/facetime or talk on the phone? I don't want to seem overbearing but we did both agreed this is an exclusive relationship and will continue to communicate when we can. Should this be made more clear? There definitely will be more talks before he leaves. You're right, I want to have a game plan so we are both prepared.
    It's not only okay, I would encourage it. In a calm way, just ask him what he think he'll be able to commit to, and let him know what you are hoping for (while making it clear that's open to discussion or even renegotiation down the road if you both realize your plan is unrealistic or not meeting someone's needs).

    If you are worried about being "overbearing", you are going to silence yourself into a lot of problems because you won't be on the same page. If he can't have a rational discussion about "hey, I'm really hoping we can Skype at least twice a week. Tuesday evenings and Saturday morning seems like a good fit. Will that work for you as a tentative plan?," then you are pretty much screwed any way. If that's something that feels overbearing to him, a healthy long distance relationship (or probably even a short distance relationship) is never going to happen.
    Science always wins over bullshit. ~Dick Rutkowski
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    #9
    Thank you all so much for the support and advice. It really did just hit me last night that he's leaving and I'm just really sad about it all. He seems extremely mature and has been telling me since day one that he is willing to talk about whatever is on my mind. I feel very comfortable with how willing he is to communicate. I think the discussions just need to happen and then I'll feel better. It's really encourage to know that you all have had similar experiences and that a lot of these relationships are strong and healthy and do work out. I think that's giving me a little bit of hope.
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    #10

    hey

    How long have you guys been together?
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