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Thread: Military Wives...

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    #11
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    Quote Originally Posted by RebeccaAshley View Post
    Okay, please don't be judgmental with this post. I don't want any rude remarks.

    My bf was supposed to come home in four years, after active duty. That was our plan. (we are long distance and were going to remain long distance until his homecoming)
    But he just told me that he doesn't know if he wants to come home in four years. He might do 8 years active.. he might make it a life-long career.

    And this sucks a lot for me, because personally, I did not want this life at all.
    I don't want to move every 2-3 years to a new place, especially if I have no control over where it is.
    I dont want my future kids to have to change schools every few years.
    I ESPECIALLY don't want my kids to basically be strangers to my parents.
    And I also did not want to see my parents only once or twice a year for holidays.. (I am very very close with my family)
    I honestly just didn't want to live in the active duty military wife lifestyle. He always knew this.

    I've always wanted to just be settled down by the time I'm 30. To just have my own house, with my own family, my own career, my own neighborhood and friends. Just to be completely 100% settled. That sounds so perfect to me....

    BUT- now that he's having second thoughts... I'm trying really hard to wrap my head around it.
    I want my bf to be in my life forever. So maybe I can alter my life plans for him. But I honestly don't know if I can.

    So I thought maybe I could get some opinions on people who are in this situation.
    Military wives... did you ever NOT want to have this lifestyle?
    How was it transitioning?
    How do you cope with no longer seeing your family members? How often do you see them?
    Do you think it's something I should consider trying?
    I would be sacrificing a lot of my own personal beliefs but I feel like I should at least try...

    It's so hard not having a light at the end of the tunnel. We are long distance, so having a plan that he was coming home in 4 years made it easy.
    Now we don't have a plan..... so its so hard, I can't stop crying for days. 8 years.. a lifetime? who knows.

    I hate uncertainty.
    A lot of guys join thinking they will stay in for a while. Then they get their asses chewed, have a shitty boss, or get sent to a shitty unit. So, come year 3 when it's time to re-enlist they decide to get out. I really wouldn't plan on your DB staying in for 20 years yet considering he's not even at his first duty station yet.

    On my husband's first re-ensilstment, we both decided that him staying in for another 4 years was a good idea because it's a steady job that makes decent money. By his second re-enlistment is when he knew for sure that he'd stay in for the full 20 years. It took him 9 years to decide for sure that he'd go career. He's had difficult commands and difficult jobs, but he loves what he does and he's very good at it.

    We have moved a lot. My husband is about to get assigned to his 5th duty station in 10 years (not counting the bases he was at for his year-long job training). A few of the bases have been great, but a few of them I hate. Sometimes I feel like this wouldn't suck so bad if we just stayed in one good city. I hate not having control over where we live.

    So to answer your questions:
    Military wives... did you ever NOT want to have this lifestyle?
    This lifestyle is not for me. I love my husband. I love the experiences I've had because of the military. But, we've gotten screwed over a few too many times for me to not be bitter.
    How was it transitioning?
    Like moving to his duty station and living together? It was difficult for me because I was just a teenager and I wasn't mature enough yet.
    How do you cope with no longer seeing your family members? How often do you see them?
    This one is tough. I see my family twice a year. I have "old" parents so being away from them is hard on me.
    Do you think it's something I should consider trying?
    I would be sacrificing a lot of my own personal beliefs but I feel like I should at least try...

    You don't have to try if this is a lifestyle you don't want. It's not for everyone and there's nothing wrong with that.




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    #12
    I definitely wouldn't stress about that quite yet. When my husband first joined he wanted to make a career out of it. Then he decided he was just going to finish his enlistment and get out. He changes his mind a lot about whether or not he wants to stay in, a lot of people do.

    You should definitely talk about goals and a timeline, but just know that this can, and probably will, change.
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    #13
    To me, you sound somewhat incompatible. You can have all the love in the world, and still be incompatible. If this is not the life you want, it's possible that the kindest thing for both of you is to let each other go. Only you two can determine if you can make your priorities work together.

    I loved the military life, but if you struggle with uncertainty, it might not be for you. That's ok.
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    #14
    First, I would wait and see if 1) he really does want to stay in and 2) if the military is something you are fine with in your life. Right now, neither of you really have experience with the military in general or deployments. Both or one of you may change your minds. Also, he may decide he doesn't want to just re-enlist for a total of 8 years, but actually make it a career.

    For me, I never thought of leaving my hometown. But then I got married and moved 7-8 hours away. Honestly, I hated it. Absolutely, hated it. But then when we moved to the next place I started college. Through bettering myself, making friends, and basically making a life there I found I loved that area. Then we moved to the next place. And the next. And I saw that I loved moving around, seeing new places, traveling, meeting new people, things I wouldn't have without the military. However, if I hadn't experienced it all I probably never would have realized it.

    It's been 17 years since I first moved away from my hometown. In that time my grandmas (one I used to live with), my mom, and as of August, now my dad have all passed away. While I've enjoyed everything previously listed, I also have to accept that I missed time with them. I thought I had time when he retired but it turns out I don't. I had plans to surprise my dad with Thanksgiving dinner this year since we're only 7-8 hours away now instead of more than 3,000. But that won't be happening. My kids have no idea what it's like growing up with extended family. They have seen and been to a lot of places though. I don't want to say my kids and our extended family are strangers but they're probably not as close as they would be if we lived there.

    There are positives to the military, but there are negatives as well. You'll have to figure out if those positives out weigh the negatives and if you want the military in your life. But I would refrain from making that decision right now. Instead, I would talk with him about your concerns and let him know you're open to seeing if this is a lifestyle you'll be happy with.

    Also, don't sell yourself short. I strongly caution against you giving up everything you want and have worked for to be with him. Make sure to keep things for yourself. Things for you to accomplish and take pride in. I'm not going to go into too much detail, but my SO and I have legally divorced. We're working on our relationship (still live together) though. But part of it is that I put myself on the back burner til I realized I had nothing of mine. Nothing for me to say *I* did this...accomplished that. Therefore, I have gotten a job and am looking for a better full-time position. Not only that, not having job experience for 17 years and 4 kids means I cannot support them. It's a hard pill to swallow knowing I have failed myself and them in that aspect.

    There is no shame if you decide you don't want the military in your life. This is not for everyone. I wish you good luck and hope you take time to really evaluate everything to make the best decision for you.
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    #15
    I agree that he may change his mind (several time probably). DB would always have a good or bad day and then say something like he was definitely getting out or staying in. But I think it's probably too early for your DB to really know if he wants stay in or get out for sure. I would caution there is like this thing that happens at like 10+ years where the talk shifts to oh well I only have X number of years left I should probably just stay in. At least that was our experience, DB was feeling behind the curve to get out and get a civilian job. For me, I knew pretty early on that I was all in with the relationship. When we were *sure* he was getting out we stayed long distance so I could work on my career but had he of stayed in, life for us would be completely different. But I knew that I could find happiness with either life direction. It's okay for you to question, talk it out and know that circumstances and goals can change.
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    #16
    +1 that he might/will probably change his mind. When I met my ex husband, he was planning to get out after his first enlistment. Was planning to get out the whole time, until his last chance to reenlist came around and he got cold feet and stayed in for another. Had I known when we met that he was gonna stay in I wouldn't have even started dating him because the lifestyle is so unappealing to me.

    I only saw my family twice a year in the years we were living together. We just spend his leave time back at home. This kinda sucks though because that was ALL of his vacation time, so we never got to do anything else in his time off.

    Anyway, if you know you're not into the lifestyle don't force it. You don't have to break up with him right now or anything because again he'll (probably) change his mind, but don't get married and follow him around because you feel like you have to. It isn't for everybody. It's stressful, it's lonely, it's shitty having no choice where to live, it's not something I could be convinced to do again. There are plenty of fish in the sea.
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    #17
    Seriously, the changing of his mind can happen from day to day. A few days before my first date with my ex DB, he was saying "Man, I can't wait for my 5 years to be done. I'm so ready to be out," on our first date he said "I don't want to stay in, but if I did, I'd reenlist and do shore duty," and by our second date (3 days later) he was saying "Well, I might reenlist for a couple years and go right back on another deployment so that I can make 1st class faster. I'd like to get out as a 1st class petty officer."
    It's all dependent on how he likes the next few years. Don't worry too much about it right now.

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    #18
    The changing of the mind happens about every 3 months in my house. Maybe I'll get out....maybe I'll stay, Maybe Ill do this....maybe ill do that..............I have learned to ignore the issue till we actually face the issue until its in our face. Even at that point things are always changing when it has been fully presented at you. Our last set of orders we could have had Hawaii. We took FL to be under someone we knew and hoped for something good. Now he wished he took something else...its not the commands issue its big navy issue. Sometimes you end up in a damned if you do, damned if you don't but its how you take on that issue will make a difference. If you are wiling to go in with an open mind it helps even if it ends not the way you wanted.
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