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Thread: Letters To My Children

  1. Senior Member
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    #61
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    My dearest toddler,

    yes. I'll kiss your finger.
    I'm sorry it hurts so badly, maybe you should poke me directly in the eyeball with less force next time.

    love,
    one eyed mommy
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    #62
    Dear baby,

    Please stop shoving your entire hand in your mouth and then gagging... and then repeating it all over and over again. I bought you pacifiers... lots and lots of pacifiers. Lets use them.

    Love,

    Mommy
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    #63
    Dear Hooved Fur-Toddler,

    No, you may not eat your pasture mate's grain. It's not yours. You are fat and need to lose weight. She is skinny and needs to gain all the weight you need to lose. You may not even nibble on her extra-rich grain. Especially when you won't even touch your super expensive made-just-for-you supplements. I don't care if you crow hop all the way across the pasture, at least you're not bothering her with your nonsense.

    Love,
    For the love of god, would you please eat your own damn food? It was expensive!!

    PS: I do find it entertaining that you've figured out that if you mouth at my jacket, I'll put your jacket on. It almost makes me forgive you for picking up each brush out of the tote and throwing it on the ground. Almost.
    I live dangerously - I drink whiskey while knitting.
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    #64
    dear children,

    I am so glad you enjoyed the "bar mix" snack mix that I bought. Next time I'll save you the effort and buy you pretzals, sesame sticks, and just get your father and I a can of peanuts.

    I mean, why do you choose to be picky with what you put in your mouths when it comes to mommy daddy snacks? Oh yea, put your mouth on the balance beam while waiting your turn in gymnastics, but don't let an unholy peanut cross your discerning pallet.

    love,
    mom
  5. "...now do Classical Gas"
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    #65
    Quote Originally Posted by Medic2Doula View Post
    dear children,

    I am so glad you enjoyed the "bar mix" snack mix that I bought. Next time I'll save you the effort and buy you pretzals, sesame sticks, and just get your father and I a can of peanuts.

    I mean, why do you choose to be picky with what you put in your mouths when it comes to mommy daddy snacks? Oh yea, put your mouth on the balance beam while waiting your turn in gymnastics, but don't let an unholy peanut cross your discerning pallet.

    love,
    mom
    For us it’s been cherries.

    I bought a pile of cherries. The idea was that we’d use them for Christmas, and then I’d make jam out of what was left. The reality has been different. The quantity of fruit involved here wasn’t exactly small...but my kids have gone right through it!

    This was supposed to be enough for about nine people!
    If I cannot move heaven, I will raise hell
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    #66
    Most beloved Child Two,

    I love that you want to help me clean up the breakfast dishes. Really, I do. There's just one thing...how many squirts does the bottle of washing up liquid say we need? Read the back for me. I know you can.

    One.

    Not four. Only one.

    Love (from a sea of overflowing bubbles)
    Ma
    If I cannot move heaven, I will raise hell
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    #67
    Dear Collective Oldest Two,

    When we play football in the backyard, playing three vs two is fair. If I wasn’t on the twins’ side, it would just be the pair of you making two toddlers cry because they never get to have the pretty ball.

    Love,
    Referee
    If I cannot move heaven, I will raise hell
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    #68
    Quote Originally Posted by anarchamom View Post
    Dear Oldest Child,

    Please refrain from saying "Sorry, comrade," when you are being reprimanded. I cannot keep a straight face, which undermines your learning process.

    Love,
    Mom
    Hahahaha, that one got me. What a clever move on their part.
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    #69
    Most beloved Child Two,

    Combining red cordial and milk was a terrible idea. Just because it’s pink milk isn’t enough to make it strawberry milk. Unfortunately that isn’t how this works.

    Yours, gagging
    Mama
    If I cannot move heaven, I will raise hell
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    #70
    Dearest Child One,

    Yes, that particular pan is non-stick. Or at least it WAS. I'm not sure if "non-stick" is still a good description after you poured glue into it because you wanted to see what would happen.

    You owe me a new pan. A cheap one will be fine. Thank you.

    Love,
    Ma



    Beloved brother,

    You are not my child, but you could have fooled me. WHY THE FUCK did you not stop him, forro?
    If I cannot move heaven, I will raise hell
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