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Thread: Letters To My Children

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    #51
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    Quote Originally Posted by Medic2Doula View Post
    dear #3,
    if you decide to eat non food items, can you stick to chalk or crayons like the ones who came before you? googly eyes provide very surprising diapers. Also it reminds me of that Christopher Walkin bit on SNL.
    love
    mom
    Envisioning a shit with eyes.
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    #52
    Dying laughing at the previous posts!

    Dear Hooved Fur-Toddler,

    Please, for the love, stop chasing the cows. They are doing nothing to you, and just because you panicked and jumped a fence the first time you saw them (though you have had prior cow roommates that you adored), doesn't mean you need to chase them incessantly. They don't want to play tag.

    Love,
    Horse Mom

    PS: if you could also stop grabbing random items like a crop, your grain pan, your fly boots, or whatever else you can fit in your mouth and galloping off across the pasture with them, that'd be great too.
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    #53
    dear DEAREST dear son,

    If you keep waking #3 when I'm unable to put #4 down by shouting and kicking the wall, I'm going to cut your college funding. Not enough to prevent you from going, just enough to make sure you can't ever afford the good booze and have awesome parties. Just enough that you will have to watch the frat boys party from your dorm room drinking only natty light from a tall boy can because a 12 pack was too much.
    this may not mean much to you NOW, but I remember.
    love you, but go the fuck to sleep.
    mom
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    #54
    Most beloved Child Two,

    We're not buying cocopops. I don't care what Harry's mum lets him have. I'm not Harry's mum, and you're not having the junk cereal.

    Whining isn't going to change my mind, tesoro. Don't even try.

    Love,
    Ma
    Accensum qui pedicat urit mentulam.
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    #55
    Dear #1,
    you have given me enough wine today that I've got to be so drunk--how I'm able to hold the baby and surf the web are beyond me, it's irresponsible parenting.

    oh wait.

    wrong wine.
    WHINE!!!!!
    DEAR LORD

    please STOP

    love,

    painfully sober mommy
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    #56
    Dear Children,

    You guys are the best for setting your alarms an hour early, getting all dressed and fed by yourselves, while Mommy accidentally slept in. I don't even care that the only purpose for doing this was to play video games before school.

    Love,
    Exhausted Mom
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    #57
    Dear #3,
    I find it coincidental that you became an "into everything toddler" *right* when #4 was born. PLEASE chill the fuck out for ten seconds.
    Also, I LOVE that you love the baby, but for the love of god let me wipe your ever present runny nose if you want to keep kissing her.
    love,
    mommy
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    #58
    Dearest Child One

    When we bought you your pocket knife, there were rules. We talked about this, and you promised.

    Taking it to school to play the cool kid and show off with it was not something we agreed you could do. I'm having it back, now. You're not touching it again unless and until you demonstrate you can be responsible with it.

    Yes. I AM angry with you.

    Ma
    Accensum qui pedicat urit mentulam.
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    #59
    Dear Collective Oldest Two,

    Unsurprisingly, I wear bigger clothes than both of you put together. That's something that happens when you're a grown up. You grow up. It's right there in the name.

    Nevertheless, increasing the household supply of socks and undies probably doesn't require uncontrollable giggling and a singalong (...why?) about how huge my butt is. Remember, I just bought you Ninja Turtles underwear. If you're not nice to me I might take it back.

    Love,
    Ma

    PS Besides, Dad's is even bigger
    Accensum qui pedicat urit mentulam.
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