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Thread: Advice on 11 year old boy growing very defiant and secretive

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    #11
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    Quote Originally Posted by Curious_Nicole View Post
    Thanks very much for the great insight from someone who has been through it. I did give him a second change and since his "breaking" the deal he is been very good at making sure he gets home with his brother. Funny thing is when I'm around this other kid he is really not a bad kid, I don't think at least. He is very polite and doesn't appear to be a mean kid or anything, he just has absolutely no boundaries.

    I don't want to be the parent that is so restrictive that he just goes behind my back, but in the same breath, I'm the parent here and I set the rules! I guess one of the biggest things for me is I don't feel like I have 100% support from my husband.
    Well that is good news that he did well with his 2nd chance! Sometimes they just have to test those boundaries - to see " what can I get away with". You stood firm, which is important.

    I'm glad to know that this kid isn't all bad. His lack of boundaries isn't his fault, obviously - just different parenting styles. I was a very strict parent until my kids were 12/13 and then I started loosening the reins so to speak. By this point I figured that all those morals and values I had taught them have had to sink in by this point. I also gave them physical boundaries in the neighborhood - they could ride their bikes, play outside etc however they couldn't go past a certain street or landmark and they were required to "check in" with me at a certain time. This helped to build their independence as well as communication and time management skills.

    Coming to an agreement with your husband in how you will parent your preteen is quite important because your child will see the indifference and will gladly use that against you! Kids are so smart that way!
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    Quote Originally Posted by kw1214 View Post
    Well that is good news that he did well with his 2nd chance! Sometimes they just have to test those boundaries - to see " what can I get away with". You stood firm, which is important.

    I'm glad to know that this kid isn't all bad. His lack of boundaries isn't his fault, obviously - just different parenting styles. I was a very strict parent until my kids were 12/13 and then I started loosening the reins so to speak. By this point I figured that all those morals and values I had taught them have had to sink in by this point. I also gave them physical boundaries in the neighborhood - they could ride their bikes, play outside etc however they couldn't go past a certain street or landmark and they were required to "check in" with me at a certain time. This helped to build their independence as well as communication and time management skills.

    Coming to an agreement with your husband in how you will parent your preteen is quite important because your child will see the indifference and will gladly use that against you! Kids are so smart that way!
    We seem like we have very similar attitudes about parenting. I understand that kids are going to "test boundaries" and I don't have a problem with it. I do have a very similar set of rules as to where both of my boys are allowed. I am fortunate, in that we have a large wooded area adjoining our house with a creek and it's a boys paradise. I have a large dinner bell on my deck and my rule is when you hear the bell you have 5 minutes to get here. I have tested it and from their allowed locations you can hear it quite well. My rule, and they know it well is "don't ever hear that bell twice"

    I need to carve out some time with my husband to discuss. I shouldn't really vent so much on my DH, he is a great dad, he's just not on the front line at the moment.
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    #13
    Quote Originally Posted by Curious_Nicole View Post
    Thanks, I actually can see the bus stop from my window ... it's only about one block to the corner so it's really not like I feel my younger son is any danger it just made me really made that he broke his word. That was my reasoning for grounding him. I will say he hasn't done it since so I'm hoping I got a little behavior modification from the discipline. He has never ever been like this and that scares me.

    I have already started limiting his ability to see the older kid and how far he can roam. But I have no way of knowing if he is obeying me.

    Do you think I should have a talk to him about why I don't want him foot loose with this older kid? I mean his parents are literally never home. Even on weekends they will leave him for hours unattended.
    Quote Originally Posted by kw1214 View Post
    Well that is good news that he did well with his 2nd chance! Sometimes they just have to test those boundaries - to see " what can I get away with". You stood firm, which is important.

    I'm glad to know that this kid isn't all bad. His lack of boundaries isn't his fault, obviously - just different parenting styles. I was a very strict parent until my kids were 12/13 and then I started loosening the reins so to speak. By this point I figured that all those morals and values I had taught them have had to sink in by this point. I also gave them physical boundaries in the neighborhood - they could ride their bikes, play outside etc however they couldn't go past a certain street or landmark and they were required to "check in" with me at a certain time. This helped to build their independence as well as communication and time management skills.

    Coming to an agreement with your husband in how you will parent your preteen is quite important because your child will see the indifference and will gladly use that against you! Kids are so smart that way!
    Yes yes and yes to that last line! DD was using the fact that DH wanted to be more a friend than a parent to play us against each other and he always got to be the nice fun guy and I was the mean parent. DH FINALLY saw this and hit a breaking point and has now decided to stand with me and life has improved dramatically since, DD sees us as a united front and not as me over reacting and DH laughing at me and she now takes things more seriously and does what she's supposed to do without all the fight.



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    #14
    Thanks all I really appreciate your input.
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    Quote Originally Posted by Curious_Nicole View Post
    He was apologetic and we had a bit of a "hey I need your help... you are the man of the house" conversation. He was still grounded. I don't back down. He has always been the kind of kid that looked after his little brother and never broke the rules. That's why this seems way out of the ordinary for him and I suspect an outside influence. I'm not so stupid to think that a boy, as he approaches puberty, is not going to spread his wings ... But break a deal with me. I won't stand for it!

    Frankly I always thought my younger one was going to be the tough one. Perhaps I should have posted this in the venting forum vs parenting, but when I express these things to my husband he laughs about it. Damn it ... I'm the one dealing with it. He just tells me to chill out and let them be boys. Damn that pisses me off.
    Oh I hate that so much. No, boys will be boys is NOT an acceptable excuse imo and I have 2 boys one 19 and one nearly 11. I would not take boys will be boys as an excuse for disobeying me and acting like this. Because what is the excuse for when girls do it? What it is, is bad behavior and behavior to be punished. Boys will be boys is for when they bring frogs home in their pockets, or hit a baseball through a window etc.

    I think perhaps the suggestion of talking to him about expected behaviors and giving him some responsibilities is a good one. I would tell him what I would like from him in regards to being friends with this older boy and letting him know if he is following your rules and not being a problem child you have no issues with them being friends but you need (insert your guidelines here) from him in order to allow the friendship to continue.
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    Quote Originally Posted by Southern-queen View Post
    Oh I hate that so much. No, boys will be boys is NOT an acceptable excuse imo and I have 2 boys one 19 and one nearly 11. I would not take boys will be boys as an excuse for disobeying me and acting like this. Because what is the excuse for when girls do it? What it is, is bad behavior and behavior to be punished. Boys will be boys is for when they bring frogs home in their pockets, or hit a baseball through a window etc.

    I think perhaps the suggestion of talking to him about expected behaviors and giving him some responsibilities is a good one. I would tell him what I would like from him in regards to being friends with this older boy and letting him know if he is following your rules and not being a problem child you have no issues with them being friends but you need (insert your guidelines here) from him in order to allow the friendship to continue.
    Thanks.... I agree the whole "boys will be boys" is not an acceptable excuse for making a deal with me and breaking it.

    So your's bring home frogs as well ? LOL
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    #17
    Quote Originally Posted by Curious_Nicole View Post
    Thanks.... I agree the whole "boys will be boys" is not an acceptable excuse for making a deal with me and breaking it.

    So your's bring home frogs as well ? LOL
    Erm...my 11 year old daughter brings home frogs



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    #18
    Quote Originally Posted by April Lynne View Post
    Erm...my 11 year old daughter brings home frogs
    Girls will be girls ROFL
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