Wierd Xmas Conversation - During Deployment

Marley · 12-26-2008, 08:03 PM

DB called me on Christmas and it was kind of a wierd conversation. When I made mention to missing him and all the like he sort of said "all things come to an end." I read that as suck it up. Ouch. Then when I asked what he meant he then pointed out all the things he was missing out on while over there but then pointed out that he "likes" his job and went on using words like "fun" and "exciting." It's not like I want his job duties to be one huge ****hole but it was hard not to feel stupid for pining and stuff when he is over there at his own choice and doing the job he likes, despite its downsides. It just made me feel silly for counting down and even having such a thing called Donut of Misery.

I kind of hoped that he would be more open with missing me on such a day and instead he gave me this conversation that I am sure he imagined was a pep talk. It left me wondering when he is going to trust me enough to let me into that honest place where you can say: This **** sucks. Not all the time. Not most of the time. But right now, on Christmas day, it does.

Sometimes I just feel like we are incompatible. Like he is speaking another language.

USNIwife · 12-26-2008, 08:05 PM

I don't know the history to your relationship. How long you've been together, your ages, living arrangements, etc, etc, etc, So I can only offer a

Loretta · 12-26-2008, 08:05 PM

My husband doesn't do that with me but we have been together a really long time. I think what you're describing is very normal, though. I'm so sorry your conversation wasn't what you hoped

Marley · 12-26-2008, 08:11 PM

Thanks. He is my bf, been together for a year and a few months, mostly as friends first. We are in our late thirties and both have been married before, we don't live together. I know that he is super committed to me and us. I know that he wasn't trying to send me a coded message or something. I just think that he has emotional intimacy issues (which have gotten better over time) that have been made worst by the soldiering thing. It is those things that make me feel like we're incompatible.

Thanks for the hugs. I really need them!

Songtan Sally · 12-26-2008, 08:13 PM

Originally Posted by Marley

DB called me on Christmas and it was kind of a wierd conversation. When I made mention to missing him and all the like he sort of said "all things come to an end." I read that as suck it up. Ouch. Then when I asked what he meant he then pointed out all the things he was missing out on while over there but then pointed out that he "likes" his job and went on using words like "fun" and "exciting." It's not like I want his job duties to be one huge ****hole but it was hard not to feel stupid for pining and stuff when he is over there at his own choice and doing the job he likes, despite its downsides. It just made me feel silly for counting down and even having such a thing called Donut of Misery.

I kind of hoped that he would be more open with missing me on such a day and instead he gave me this conversation that I am sure he imagined was a pep talk. It left me wondering when he is going to trust me enough to let me into that honest place where you can say: This **** sucks. Not all the time. Not most of the time. But right now, on Christmas day, it does.

Sometimes I just feel like we are incompatible. Like he is speaking another language.

I interpreted the bolded part above as it is only temporary - like he'll be home soon enough / eventually and it's not a permanent situation?

M_Girlfriend · 12-26-2008, 08:16 PM

DB and I have been together 4 months and he got sent overseas about 3 and a 1/2 months into our relationship well he's the "tough guy" kind of person but our first call he said "I'm ready for this deployment to be over with" and "it sucks" I think it depends on the guy, some want to be open and others tend to close off I think. Plus I think it also depends how he is feeling on the day you know?

Marley · 12-26-2008, 08:18 PM

Originally Posted by Songtan Sally

I interpreted the bolded part above as it is only temporary - like he'll be home soon enough / eventually and it's not a permanent situation?

Yes, he meant that the deployment would come to an end not our relationship. But it still hurt to hear that. I guess Christmas was a "bad" time for me and I needed a different type of conversation

Marley · 12-26-2008, 08:22 PM

Thanks for understanding everyone! And relating your experiences. My db is most definitely a tough guy type. Brass balls all the way. Reading over the responses maybe he was putting up a front. I know he was. But why with me?

Songtan Sally · 12-26-2008, 08:23 PM

I know *gives consoling hug*

It's like when you want your guy to say something and he doesn't say it because he doesn't know what you want him to say, and when you tell him and he says it, you get all mad because IT DOESN'T COUNT YOU ARE ONLY SAYING THAT BECAUSE I TOLD YOU TOO!!! LOL!!

I am SOOOOOOOOOOOO guilty of that!!

*sniff, sob* "But I want you to tell me that I am beautiful and you love me!!!!"

"Oh honey, you ARE beautiful. I love you so much!!"

"You're just saying that because I told you toooooooooooo!!" *hysterical wailing*

Yep, that's me!

LoveKiss · 12-26-2008, 08:25 PM

He may legitimately not mind being gone, or deliberately choose to focus on what's good for his own sanity. E and I were talking and I randomly asked him what his worst job was. His response was, "There is no worst. I was getting paid." Now I know some of the crud jobs he's worked, and that he was not really happy in them. But he's the kind of person who chooses to see the good side. And he actually doesn't mind deployment, in general. Even on his worst day, he's not one to gripe. To him, it's a) pointless, b) demoralizing, and c) not worth his energy when we could be discussing

.

12-26-2008, 08:03 PM	#1 (permalink)
Marley Account Closed Join Date: Nov 2008 Location: North East Posts: 3,862 Classifieds: (0) Activity: 0% Longevity: 21%	Wierd Xmas Conversation DB called me on Christmas and it was kind of a wierd conversation. When I made mention to missing him and all the like he sort of said "all things come to an end." I read that as suck it up. Ouch. Then when I asked what he meant he then pointed out all the things he was missing out on while over there but then pointed out that he "likes" his job and went on using words like "fun" and "exciting." It's not like I want his job duties to be one huge **hole but it was hard not to feel stupid for pining and stuff when he is over there at his own choice and doing the job he likes, despite its downsides. It just made me feel silly for counting down and even having such a thing called Donut of Misery. I kind of hoped that he would be more open with missing me on such a day and instead he gave me this conversation that I am sure he imagined was a pep talk. It left me wondering when he is going to trust me enough to let me into that honest place where you can say: This ** sucks. Not all the time. Not most of the time. But right now, on Christmas day, it does. Sometimes I just feel like we are incompatible. Like he is speaking another language.

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12-26-2008, 08:05 PM	#3 (permalink)
Loretta Senior Member Join Date: Jun 2007 Posts: 29,210 Classifieds: (2) Activity: 0% Longevity: 44%	My husband doesn't do that with me but we have been together a really long time. I think what you're describing is very normal, though. I'm so sorry your conversation wasn't what you hoped

12-26-2008, 08:11 PM	#4 (permalink)
Marley Account Closed Join Date: Nov 2008 Location: North East Posts: 3,862 Classifieds: (0) Activity: 0% Longevity: 21%	Thanks. He is my bf, been together for a year and a few months, mostly as friends first. We are in our late thirties and both have been married before, we don't live together. I know that he is super committed to me and us. I know that he wasn't trying to send me a coded message or something. I just think that he has emotional intimacy issues (which have gotten better over time) that have been made worst by the soldiering thing. It is those things that make me feel like we're incompatible. Thanks for the hugs. I really need them!

12-26-2008, 08:16 PM	#6 (permalink)
M_Girlfriend Account Closed Join Date: Dec 2008 Location: DH and I: Fort Drum Posts: 3,796 Blog Entries: 1 Classifieds: (1) Activity: 0% Longevity: 20%	DB and I have been together 4 months and he got sent overseas about 3 and a 1/2 months into our relationship well he's the "tough guy" kind of person but our first call he said "I'm ready for this deployment to be over with" and "it sucks" I think it depends on the guy, some want to be open and others tend to close off I think. Plus I think it also depends how he is feeling on the day you know?

12-26-2008, 08:22 PM	#8 (permalink)
Marley Account Closed Join Date: Nov 2008 Location: North East Posts: 3,862 Classifieds: (0) Activity: 0% Longevity: 21%	Thanks for understanding everyone! And relating your experiences. My db is most definitely a tough guy type. Brass balls all the way. Reading over the responses maybe he was putting up a front. I know he was. But why with me?

12-26-2008, 08:23 PM	#9 (permalink)
Songtan Sally I'm an enlisted 6-star General, Air Coast Force Guard Join Date: Aug 2008 Location: South Korea, Osan AB Posts: 11,116 Blog Entries: 3 Classifieds: (0) Activity: 30% Longevity: 26%	I know gives consoling hug It's like when you want your guy to say something and he doesn't say it because he doesn't know what you want him to say, and when you tell him and he says it, you get all mad because IT DOESN'T COUNT YOU ARE ONLY SAYING THAT BECAUSE I TOLD YOU TOO!!! LOL!! I am SOOOOOOOOOOOO guilty of that!! sniff, sob "But I want you to tell me that I am beautiful and you love me!!!!" "Oh honey, you ARE beautiful. I love you so much!!" "You're just saying that because I told you toooooooooooo!!" hysterical wailing Yep, that's me!

12-26-2008, 08:25 PM	#10 (permalink)
LoveKiss Account Closed Join Date: Mar 2008 Posts: 9,185 Blog Entries: 11 Classifieds: (1) Activity: 0% Longevity: 31%	He may legitimately not mind being gone, or deliberately choose to focus on what's good for his own sanity. E and I were talking and I randomly asked him what his worst job was. His response was, "There is no worst. I was getting paid." Now I know some of the crud jobs he's worked, and that he was not really happy in them. But he's the kind of person who chooses to see the good side. And he actually doesn't mind deployment, in general. Even on his worst day, he's not one to gripe. To him, it's a) pointless, b) demoralizing, and c) not worth his energy when we could be discussing .