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Thread: Detachment...?

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    TNLady's Avatar
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    #1

    Detachment...?

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    My BF & I have been in a committed relationship for a little while & we live together. He deployed over 3 months ago. This is his 6th deployment, but my first. All of the previous times, he was married (to the same woman). He opened up to me in the past about how he know she cheated and ran around with her friends while he was deployed, which is the main reason they divorced.
    When he first deployed, everything was fine... well as fine as it could be. Daily messaging, almost daily calls, & lots of interaction. And he has always been the very emotionally open type of man even before he left. About a month ago, he started sounding different & very down. He'd tell me he just wanted to come home & didn't want to be there and his voice sounded in despair... like a true sadness that I've never heard before.
    A couple weeks ago, he totally weirded out on me. When I told him I loved him, he responded hours later with "do you?" But we talked through things and it all settled down, or so I thought. I've NOT done ANYTHING un-loyal to him. He's been my world even while he's been gone. Last week... he totally stopped responding to me for a couple days. He wasn't even opening FB messages. He finally responded but it was different and he barely said anything. It's been a week and I've heard from him maybe twice. He won't tell me what's going on but he did say that he's f@%*ed up right now and it sucks... a few days ago, he asked me to give him "a bit."
    There are other red flags that stuff isn't right (one example is financially... even though we don't have a joint account, I can tell).

    This man has been incredible up till now. He's been the most emotionally open person I've ever been with. He's wanted me to be a part of his life and included me in everything. Now it's like I'm hitting a wall. I message him maybe once a day with a quick message & I've emailed him longer messages a couple times, but it's like he's barely there. He has told me that he loved me a couple times in the last few days, but never initiated by him & it's always in response to me saying it (before he was the "shower you with love" type of guy who told me several time a day that he loved me & missed me, etc.)

    I am clueless. I don't know if he is reliving old hurt from his exwife and worried about what I could be doing and that's making him push me away. I don't know if he's depressed & detaching from me so that he can try to function and not think about missing being home. I don't know if he simply doesn't want to be with me anymore, which would have completely come out of no where and would be a total shock because isn't this supposed to be when he needs me the most?
    I don't know if I am doing wrong by trying to reach out to him... or if he really needs me to reassure him. I don't know if I'm doing more harm by trying and letting him know that I love him and I'm worried. He's given me ZERO indication other than telling me that he's F'd up and it sucks.
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    #2
    Hello

    I am so sorry this is happening to you. No one can tell you exactly why this is happening - the only person who can tell you, is not doing much communicating. It sounds like he's experienced a lot of hurt during his previous deployments. Which I am sure can replay themselves in his mind during his currently deployment even though those things are not even happening. I can say that during month 3 my DH tends to get a bit down and depressed during deployments. Maybe this is what is going on ?

    I'd say - reach out and communicate with him. A relationship is a relationship no matter if he is deployed or not. You have to continue to communicate ... ask the questions and get to the root of the issue. I would continue to tell him how you feel and let him know that you are excited about his returning home. Make it clear that you are committed to try and ease his concerns if that is what you *think* is going on.

    I'm sure it hurts to go from what he was ... to what he is giving now. Obviously he has something going on that he is not sharing with you.
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    #3
    Quote Originally Posted by kw1214 View Post
    Hello

    I am so sorry this is happening to you. No one can tell you exactly why this is happening - the only person who can tell you, is not doing much communicating. It sounds like he's experienced a lot of hurt during his previous deployments. Which I am sure can replay themselves in his mind during his currently deployment even though those things are not even happening. I can say that during month 3 my DH tends to get a bit down and depressed during deployments. Maybe this is what is going on ?

    I'd say - reach out and communicate with him. A relationship is a relationship no matter if he is deployed or not. You have to continue to communicate ... ask the questions and get to the root of the issue. I would continue to tell him how you feel and let him know that you are excited about his returning home. Make it clear that you are committed to try and ease his concerns if that is what you *think* is going on.

    I'm sure it hurts to go from what he was ... to what he is giving now. Obviously he has something going on that he is not sharing with you.
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