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Thread: A Little frustrated Now

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    #1

    A Little frustrated Now

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    So my boyfriend has been gone for 7 months and he'll be home soon from deployment. When communicate through email everyday and our conversations are normally great. We have our disagreements but nothing out of the ordinary. Lately I've been discussing the topic of kids and how all of my friends are getting engaged and he's been very non-chalant about everything almost as if he could care less. All he constantly says is "We will have children in the future" "We will talk about children in the future". blah, blah, blah. I'm 28 so I'm not getting any younger and it sort of breaks my heart a little because everyone else is so happy and we have nothing to celebrate. No baby announcements. No engagement. Everyone keeps asking us when. Which is added pressure. It's nerve-racking. He's missed my birthday, our anniversary twice and a little piece of me has some resentment for that although I understand the Navy is his job it sucks because everyone else gets to enjoy their significant others and these special moments and I don't. I always have to put my life on pause because he's either underway or a particular date doesn't work or schedules conflict. I can't wait until the Navy days are over because I just want my boyfriend back!!! I support him and everything he does and I keep him encouraged but I just want him to also understand and be sensitive to things that I want as well. Is that too much to ask or am I maybe pressuring him too much with the kids situation? I know that deployment is enough stress so maybe I need to compromise and possibly just be more patient.
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    It sounds like he's given you his answer, which is that he's not ready to talk about these things right now. It sucks when two people in a relationship aren't really at the same point, but he's not doing anything wrong by not wanting to discuss it right now.

    Just because he's not ready doesn't mean he's not sensitive to what you want. It just means that for something as huge as having kids, it would be grossly irresponsible to cave just because his partner wants kids now, when he doesn't. It understandable if you don't like his answer, and if you can't live with it, but it seems to me like the choices are to stay with him and accept that he's not ready for kids and isn't even ready to commit to them in any specific way, or you can decide that you aren't okay with waiting (and with it possibly never happening), in which case you have to move on.
    Science always wins over bullshit. ~Dick Rutkowski
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    Very true. I understand that children are a huge responsibility I just think sometimes I'm more sure of what I want than him. One minute he knows exactly that he wants a family and then the next he wants these things at a certain period down the road. I love him with all my heart and I'm not willing to lose him over that I would just like for us to at least be on the same page as to what we want in the future and where we see our relationship progressing.
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    Quote Originally Posted by hisnavyprincess View Post
    So my boyfriend has been gone for 7 months and he'll be home soon from deployment. When communicate through email everyday and our conversations are normally great. We have our disagreements but nothing out of the ordinary. Lately I've been discussing the topic of kids and how all of my friends are getting engaged and he's been very non-chalant about everything almost as if he could care less. All he constantly says is "We will have children in the future" "We will talk about children in the future". blah, blah, blah. I'm 28 so I'm not getting any younger and it sort of breaks my heart a little because everyone else is so happy and we have nothing to celebrate. No baby announcements. No engagement. Everyone keeps asking us when. Which is added pressure. It's nerve-racking. He's missed my birthday, our anniversary twice and a little piece of me has some resentment for that although I understand the Navy is his job it sucks because everyone else gets to enjoy their significant others and these special moments and I don't. I always have to put my life on pause because he's either underway or a particular date doesn't work or schedules conflict. I can't wait until the Navy days are over because I just want my boyfriend back!!! I support him and everything he does and I keep him encouraged but I just want him to also understand and be sensitive to things that I want as well. Is that too much to ask or am I maybe pressuring him too much with the kids situation? I know that deployment is enough stress so maybe I need to compromise and possibly just be more patient.
    I know if feels disappointing to have all your friends to announce major life events and you have nothing but you can not live your life and life timeline based on your friends. Perhaps he realizes while he is gone, y'all are not married, he is active duty etc discussing children is not something that is important to HIM. It might be to you, but maybe not him. Wait til he comes home and than try and discuss all these things.
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    Last edited by Shoshana8; 09-20-2017 at 12:46 AM.
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    A lot of this comparison to peers varies by region, culture, social circle, socio-economic up bring, etc.

    I was by far the youngest of my extended circle to get married, at 26. The wave didn't really happen until most were about 29. They babies started in the early 30s. So while it may seem like you are behind in some way, in many circles, you are entirely average.

    While comparison can be the enemy of joy, if you can't help but compare, the average age at first marriage for women in the US is 27, so it's not like you are really that far off.
    Science always wins over bullshit. ~Dick Rutkowski
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    #7
    Quote Originally Posted by hisnavyprincess View Post
    Very true. I understand that children are a huge responsibility I just think sometimes I'm more sure of what I want than him. One minute he knows exactly that he wants a family and then the next he wants these things at a certain period down the road. I love him with all my heart and I'm not willing to lose him over that I would just like for us to at least be on the same page as to what we want in the future and where we see our relationship progressing.
    What if you are not? What if you never get on the same page at the same time? Not knowing when he wants children is common and not the end of the world. Until he consistently says he is ready now, he is not ready. Even if he said not for two years, when two years gets here he can still change his mind, and that is okay.
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    #8
    We all have been in relationships where our partners were not on the same page or when our timelines didn't match up and it can make for a lot of frustration.

    While you are anxious for your relationship to take the next level, you seem still stuck in the rut of he is always gone and missing special events. Trust me when I say starting a family or being married isn't going to help make that feeling go away. If anything those 2 major life events will only increase those feelings because if he is active duty he is going to miss A LOT of special moments. Perhaps he knows this and that's why he is not ready to discuss those big life events yet? He is busy doing his job, advancing his career and that is his focus right now. You have to respect that.

    I would say take a step back from those conversations for awhile. Let him bring those topics up in discussion and then perhaps find out when his time line is. Focus on his return and your relationship once deployment is over. Those are two major life changing events that you don't want to rush someone in to! He might surprise you at the end of this deployment when he is more relaxed and less stressed.
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    #9
    My two cents would be don't bother trying to discuss life issues such as this during a deployment. He doesn't need, he doesn't want to deal with and probably will just shut the conversation down. Let him get home, readjusted and then his mind is clear. Relationships are a ton of compromise; that means you as well as him.
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    Thanks, you're exactly right. Talking in person is alot easier than the constant spats through email. And what's important to me isn't what's always ideal to him.
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