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Thread: Emotional Needs are not being met

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    #1

    Emotional Needs are not being met

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    My SO is deployed right now. He's been gone for four months and we are in a rough patch right now. I feel like the more I communicate what I need, the more he shuts down. He takes it as an insult that he's not being everything I need when I just need HIM. Sometimes I feel like I'm talking to a wall. It hurts so much to hear someone changing over the phone. He's honestly my best friend but lately I feel like my feelings are invalidated. I know I can be needy but that's not going to change, especially right now. I'm afraid of giving him distance, what more distance could he need?! He's thousands of miles away. I just need my best friend and I feel so alone. I know he loves me and I don't want to make his life more difficult but there are certain things I need from him in order to feel secure and safe in this relationship.
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    #2
    Look at it through your SO's eyes. He is stressed, across the world from you and everything he loves, in a shitty environment, working long shifts, not able to be open with you about what is going on, and dealing with whatever his deployment is throwing at him alone. And when he makes the effort to contact you to tell you he loves you and to let you know he's okay, you have a laundry list of things he's not doing right and needs he's not meeting. Of course he's going to take that as an insult and feel distant from you. The fact is, it is more important for you to provide for HIS emotional needs right now than it is for him to provide for yours. You can easily reach out to your friends, family, spouse/SO support group, the internet, etc. He doesn't have all those resources or the time to seek resources other than you out. If you're feeling alone, reach out to the people around you. He cannot be your sole source of emotional support during this time, he needs to stay focused on his mission. Your insecurity and demands of him right now aren't going to do your relationship any favors. Trust that he loves you, be thankful he can contact you, focus on being there for HIM, and seek companionship and heavy-duty support from the people in your life that are around you.
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    #3
    Its hard when they are gone not to get the support you need. Fully understand that. Just last week my husband was gone for a week and I could only talk to him when he had wifi available since we don't have an international phone plan on our phones and he was over seas for a week. Come like thursday I had enough of him only wanting to see our son on FaceTime and not really wanting to talk to me. I told him how I felt and its still hard for him too.

    What about writing things down in a journal vs telling him. I found writing in a journal helped when we have been separated for a long time and very little communication. Are you friends with anyone with in the command. Talking to someone like that might help. Bounce ideas of how to deal with those feelings might help.
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    Quote Originally Posted by ziah View Post
    Look at it through your SO's eyes. He is stressed, across the world from you and everything he loves, in a shitty environment, working long shifts, not able to be open with you about what is going on, and dealing with whatever his deployment is throwing at him alone. And when he makes the effort to contact you to tell you he loves you and to let you know he's okay, you have a laundry list of things he's not doing right and needs he's not meeting. Of course he's going to take that as an insult and feel distant from you. The fact is, it is more important for you to provide for HIS emotional needs right now than it is for him to provide for yours. You can easily reach out to your friends, family, spouse/SO support group, the internet, etc. He doesn't have all those resources or the time to seek resources other than you out. If you're feeling alone, reach out to the people around you. He cannot be your sole source of emotional support during this time, he needs to stay focused on his mission. Your insecurity and demands of him right now aren't going to do your relationship any favors. Trust that he loves you, be thankful he can contact you, focus on being there for HIM, and seek companionship and heavy-duty support from the people in your life that are around you.

    Thank you for the advice, sometimes I feel like people who aren't in this situation don't know how to give advice and just sugar coat things and tell you "yeah you're right".
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    #5
    Quote Originally Posted by ziah View Post
    Look at it through your SO's eyes. He is stressed, across the world from you and everything he loves, in a shitty environment, working long shifts, not able to be open with you about what is going on, and dealing with whatever his deployment is throwing at him alone. And when he makes the effort to contact you to tell you he loves you and to let you know he's okay, you have a laundry list of things he's not doing right and needs he's not meeting. Of course he's going to take that as an insult and feel distant from you. The fact is, it is more important for you to provide for HIS emotional needs right now than it is for him to provide for yours. You can easily reach out to your friends, family, spouse/SO support group, the internet, etc. He doesn't have all those resources or the time to seek resources other than you out. If you're feeling alone, reach out to the people around you. He cannot be your sole source of emotional support during this time, he needs to stay focused on his mission. Your insecurity and demands of him right now aren't going to do your relationship any favors. Trust that he loves you, be thankful he can contact you, focus on being there for HIM, and seek companionship and heavy-duty support from the people in your life that are around you.
    1 trillion percent

    Geographical distance and emotional distance are two completely different things. This may sound harsh but you seem overly needy for what the two of you are going through. Of course he takes it as an insult. He has 500 lbs of emotional crap from the deployment on his shoulders and you are loading on more. You need to be there for HIM. Not him for you. Be thankful you have the opportunity to communicate with him and support his efforts. Don't dump every little thing on him. Time to put on your big girl shorts!
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    #6
    Personally I've found that trying to spend too much time communicating while apart can lead to those sorts of feelings too. I dunno how often you guys get to chat/email, but maybe consider it. For DH and I, our talks are more emotionally present & in depth when we talk less often because we get more time to miss each other. Hope that makes sense!

    DH isn't in the military anymore but does travel for work still so usually we chat for only 10 minutes at night, maybe even every other night. Some space can help you organize your thoughts and put forth the most important things you need support in, instead of just dumping it all out and expecting him to sort things out. I also prefer to use email if we can't talk on the phone easily, because writing it out really can help you focus and then you can go edit things before sending. When DH was deployed I started a new email every morning and would just add to it throughout the day and then edit & send before bed each day.
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    #7
    Quote Originally Posted by EllieBowden8 View Post
    Thank you for the advice, sometimes I feel like people who aren't in this situation don't know how to give advice and just sugar coat things and tell you "yeah you're right".
    I'm glad you were not here looking for an echo chamber of people to tell you you are totally right and that your SO is just a selfish man or whatever just, try to get some perspective. There is a learning curve to supporting a deployed partner. Your relationship gets thrown into a mode that is a bit different from what you're told relationships "should" be. You have to sacrifice some of your needs and put "us" ahead of "me." People don't like doing that and it feels hard at first, but when you realize that sucking it up and not dumping everything on him actually helps him (instead of thinking of it as something that hurts you), it will be easier to bear. You make a (temporary) sacrifice because being together is more important than getting all your emotional needs met right this instant.
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    #8
    Deployment stinks.... no way around it. I have nothing new to add that wasn't already said. Sometimes I have those "needy" feelings myself and I have to get them in check. This is temporary, you have to remember that! The fact that you are able to communicate is HUGE! I'm in the same boat, I 'm missing my best friend too!

    Take one day at a time.....
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    #9
    I've had to adjust to this learning curve, too. It's really hard! But what Ziah said is completely true. What we go through is hard, but what they go through is just as hard, if not worse more often than not. I cannot be my DB's sole focus. I cannot expect my DB to be any more supportive than the bare minimum. I've had to learn how and where to get my needs met elsewhere. You're not a bad person for it at all -- I think the majority of us go through this.

    And it's not to say you can't ask things of them within reason. For example, I had to recently lay it out in front of DB very, very gently that him reading all of my messages on WhatsApp and never sending anything back was hurting my feelings. I know he is tired, overworked, and stressed beyond belief, but I also know that if he has time to read my messages, he has two seconds to send me back a smiley face, or a similarly-short message. Things like that are within reason to ask, but for the duration of the deployment, you can't really ask too much of your SO. They're already giving 100% out there -- at the end of the day, they don't have much left for you. It's not the way they want things to be, but it's the way things have to be for this temporary period of time.
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    #10
    Quote Originally Posted by kw1214 View Post
    Deployment stinks.... no way around it. I have nothing new to add that wasn't already said. Sometimes I have those "needy" feelings myself and I have to get them in check. This is temporary, you have to remember that! The fact that you are able to communicate is HUGE! I'm in the same boat, I 'm missing my best friend too!

    Take one day at a time.....
    Love vitamins probably should be prescribed
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