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Thread: First Depoyment - (Newbie)

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    #1

    First Depoyment - (Newbie)

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    Hi! My name is Melissa. And my fiancé's name is Danny.

    What brought me here is that Danny left for a 12 month deployment back in October and I have honestly been having a really rough time. In the beginning I was good, and very positive. But it seemed that over time my light just seems to get dimmer and dimmer and I am becoming more and more lonely as well as very sad. I do try my hardest not to let myself get like that but I always seem to fall back into this feeling of unhappiness. I try to talk to my friends and family about how I feel but I feel like no one really understands.. And I feel like I am just repeating myself over and over again. "I miss Danny.. I'm so sad.. I am so tired of crying everyday.. I just wanna be happy again." it's even got to the point that I was considering dropping my classes this semester because I feel like I just can't concentrate on anything and I feel like I have no motivation to do anything.. I feel like I'm becoming depressed. And I don't wanna let myself get to that. Because I know Danny is gonna need a strong woman to come home to, not a broken one.

    So I came looking for help.. Someone who can relate and understand. And it brought me here.. Sorry if this sounds so depressing. I promise I'm normally not like this.
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    #2
    I definitely know and understand what you're going through. I unfortunately don't know how to help... I've been doing this for only 30 days and I already feel like you do. Pretty much my whole relationship has been long distance but for some reason the longer the distance the harder it is. I was going to private message you because I'm a pretty private person but I wasn't able to. While you might think Danny is going to need a strong woman to come home to, you can't ignore what you are feeling right now in this moment. If you feel you are depressed, you need to seek professional help. A counselor, a pastor, someone trained to help... I only say this because I've been there in other moments of my life. Get the help now so you learn the skills to be strong when he comes home. This whole thing is a learning curve... no one can do it without help. I sent you a friend request and you can message me if you want.

    Keep your head up and know that you are stronger than you think.
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    #3
    I think it helps to know you aren't alone. on the first day of deployment for us I was a mess. I had to force myself to get up and go out and get exhausted so I don't think about it. Now deployment is done and everything just fell back in place. Hang in there! If you need to, find a therapist too. It could help.
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    #4
    Who are you? What I mean by that is, if someone asked you, "Tell me about yourself, Melissa. What interests you? What do you want to do that you haven't yet done, or do more of?", what would you say? Answer those questions for yourself.

    My answer might be something like, "I'm a good friend, and I love to read, and I am an aspiring writer but I don't spend enough doing that, and I'm a student. I've always wanted to learn to play chess, but I've been too lazy to do it. I love to travel, and I think planning trips is almost as fun as taking them. I love going for walks. I can be a bit of a know it all. I would be so happy to lose a few pounds. I love shoes and clothes, but my closet is a mess. I hate to cook and never know what to make." And *then* I might add, "I'm married to an amazing guy and we love eating great food and traveling together."

    Once you have your answer, notice that it probably doesn't revolve around your DF. That's important. You are a whole and complete and interesting person, in and of yourself, and not just as half of a partnership. Remember that. *That's* why you get out of bed every day and keep going to school and keep laughing with friends. And then look at the things on your description of yourself and figure out things you can do to not just pass this time until he gets back, but to really use the time. Going back to my list, I might decide to find an online chess site and commit to spending 15 minutes every day. I might find a shelving system and plan to install it in my closet. I could join a gym and find 2 or 3 classes a week to commit to, plus a workout schedule for a couple other days. I might take a cooking class, or commit to weekly meal planning. I would call my friends and schedule a fun day with them, and commit to really enjoying their company and not dwelling on my DH.

    These are things you can do to make yourself a better version of you. You can do it for Daniel if that's what motivates you initially, but try to focus on doing it for yourself. Use this time to really do some great things for yourself, rather than looking it is simply as time you live on hold while you wait for life to start again when he gets home. Don't waste this time. And don't fall in to the trap of feeling like you aren't enough when you are alone, or that life alone isn't still quality time, and time you can enjoy. And sometimes, I think people feel like if they are thriving and happy while their SO is gone, it is a reflection of their level of love. They think that if they are suffering visibly and generally a mess, it shows their love. That's not true. Being okay doesn't mean you love him less. It just means you are enough all by yourself. And that means you are with him because you want to be, and not because you need to be since you aren't whole and complete by yourself.
    Last edited by villanelle; 02-28-2016 at 02:43 AM.
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    #5
    Quote Originally Posted by villanelle View Post
    Who are you? What I mean by that is, if someone asked you, "Tell me about yourself, Melissa. What interests you? What do you want to do that you haven't yet done, or do more of?", what would you say? Answer those questions for yourself.

    My answer might be something like, "I'm a good friend, and I love to read, and I am an aspiring writer but I don't spend enough doing that, and I'm a student. I've always wanted to learn to play chess, but I've been too lazy to do it. I live to travel, and I think planning trips is almost as fun as taking them. I love going for walks. I can be a bit of a know it all. I would be so happy to lose a few pounds. I love shoes and clothes, but my closet is a mess. I hate to cook and never now what to make." And *then* I might add, "I'm married to an amazing guy and we love eating great food and traveling together."

    Once you have your answer, notice that it probably doesn't revolve around your DF. That's important. You are a whole and complete and interesting person, in and of yourself, and not just as half of a partnership. Remember that. *That's* why you get out of bed every day and keep going to school and keep laughing with friends. And then look at the things on your description of yourself and figure out things you can do to not just pass this time until he gets back, but to really use the time. Going back to my list, I might decide to find an online chess site and commit to spending 15 minutes every day. I might find a shelving system and plan to install it in my closet. I could join a gym and find 2 or 3 classes a week to commit to, plus a workout schedule for a couple other days. I might take a cooking class, or commit to weekly meal planning. I would call my friends and schedule a fun day with them, and commit to really enjoying their company and not dwelling on my DH.

    These are things you can do to make yourself a better version of you. You can do it for Daniel if that's what motivates you initially, but try to focus on doing it for yourself. Use this time to really do some great things for yourself, rather than looking it is simply as time you live on hold while you wait for life to start again when he gets home. Don't waste this time. And don't fall in to the trap of feeling like you aren't enough when you are alone, or that life alone isn't still quality time, and time you can enjoy. And sometimes, I think people feel like if they are thriving and happy while their SO is gone, it is a reflection of their level of love. They think that is they are suffering visibly and generally a mess, it shows their love. That's not true. Being okay doesn't mean you love him less. It just means you are enough all by yourself. And that means you are with him because you want to be, and not because you need to be since you aren't whole and complete by yourself.
    100%
    "She knew she loved him when 'home' went from being a place to being a person."
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    #6
    Quote Originally Posted by villanelle View Post
    Who are you? What I mean by that is, if someone asked you, "Tell me about yourself, Melissa. What interests you? What do you want to do that you haven't yet done, or do more of?", what would you say? Answer those questions for yourself.

    My answer might be something like, "I'm a good friend, and I love to read, and I am an aspiring writer but I don't spend enough doing that, and I'm a student. I've always wanted to learn to play chess, but I've been too lazy to do it. I love to travel, and I think planning trips is almost as fun as taking them. I love going for walks. I can be a bit of a know it all. I would be so happy to lose a few pounds. I love shoes and clothes, but my closet is a mess. I hate to cook and never know what to make." And *then* I might add, "I'm married to an amazing guy and we love eating great food and traveling together."

    Once you have your answer, notice that it probably doesn't revolve around your DF. That's important. You are a whole and complete and interesting person, in and of yourself, and not just as half of a partnership. Remember that. *That's* why you get out of bed every day and keep going to school and keep laughing with friends. And then look at the things on your description of yourself and figure out things you can do to not just pass this time until he gets back, but to really use the time. Going back to my list, I might decide to find an online chess site and commit to spending 15 minutes every day. I might find a shelving system and plan to install it in my closet. I could join a gym and find 2 or 3 classes a week to commit to, plus a workout schedule for a couple other days. I might take a cooking class, or commit to weekly meal planning. I would call my friends and schedule a fun day with them, and commit to really enjoying their company and not dwelling on my DH.

    These are things you can do to make yourself a better version of you. You can do it for Daniel if that's what motivates you initially, but try to focus on doing it for yourself. Use this time to really do some great things for yourself, rather than looking it is simply as time you live on hold while you wait for life to start again when he gets home. Don't waste this time. And don't fall in to the trap of feeling like you aren't enough when you are alone, or that life alone isn't still quality time, and time you can enjoy. And sometimes, I think people feel like if they are thriving and happy while their SO is gone, it is a reflection of their level of love. They think that if they are suffering visibly and generally a mess, it shows their love. That's not true. Being okay doesn't mean you love him less. It just means you are enough all by yourself. And that means you are with him because you want to be, and not because you need to be since you aren't whole and complete by yourself.
    The above is spot on. You can't forget that you are an individual and lose yourself for an entire year! My DH is currently deployed and while I miss him dearly, I've used this time to refocus my efforts onto myself. This doesn't mean that I love DH any less... it means I'm taking the time for me so I can be even better when he returns. Yes, there will be moments when you are entirely sad and you get that pang down deep inside and the tears fall ... that's normal when you miss someone. BUT it is not okay to stop living and hide away. Your DF would not want that for you either. If you feel that you just can't recover and are feeling so desperately sad, please make an appointment with a therapist. Perhaps talking to someone about your feelings would help you.

    Good luck!
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    #7
    Hi Melissa!

    It's my first deployment too, but not for my fiancé.

    I know what you're going through! I signed up here because I'm looking for a support group. My family and friends won't really understand how it works, (I'm not American) most of them think I'm crazy for putting up with the long-distance thing with a deployed military guy... and it's quite frustrating.

    Let's be strong together! We are not alone!
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    #8
    Quote Originally Posted by villanelle View Post
    Who are you? What I mean by that is, if someone asked you, "Tell me about yourself, Melissa. What interests you? What do you want to do that you haven't yet done, or do more of?", what would you say? Answer those questions for yourself.

    My answer might be something like, "I'm a good friend, and I love to read, and I am an aspiring writer but I don't spend enough doing that, and I'm a student. I've always wanted to learn to play chess, but I've been too lazy to do it. I love to travel, and I think planning trips is almost as fun as taking them. I love going for walks. I can be a bit of a know it all. I would be so happy to lose a few pounds. I love shoes and clothes, but my closet is a mess. I hate to cook and never know what to make." And *then* I might add, "I'm married to an amazing guy and we love eating great food and traveling together."

    Once you have your answer, notice that it probably doesn't revolve around your DF. That's important. You are a whole and complete and interesting person, in and of yourself, and not just as half of a partnership. Remember that. *That's* why you get out of bed every day and keep going to school and keep laughing with friends. And then look at the things on your description of yourself and figure out things you can do to not just pass this time until he gets back, but to really use the time. Going back to my list, I might decide to find an online chess site and commit to spending 15 minutes every day. I might find a shelving system and plan to install it in my closet. I could join a gym and find 2 or 3 classes a week to commit to, plus a workout schedule for a couple other days. I might take a cooking class, or commit to weekly meal planning. I would call my friends and schedule a fun day with them, and commit to really enjoying their company and not dwelling on my DH.

    These are things you can do to make yourself a better version of you. You can do it for Daniel if that's what motivates you initially, but try to focus on doing it for yourself. Use this time to really do some great things for yourself, rather than looking it is simply as time you live on hold while you wait for life to start again when he gets home. Don't waste this time. And don't fall in to the trap of feeling like you aren't enough when you are alone, or that life alone isn't still quality time, and time you can enjoy. And sometimes, I think people feel like if they are thriving and happy while their SO is gone, it is a reflection of their level of love. They think that if they are suffering visibly and generally a mess, it shows their love. That's not true. Being okay doesn't mean you love him less. It just means you are enough all by yourself. And that means you are with him because you want to be, and not because you need to be since you aren't whole and complete by yourself.
    Thank you for this... I needed to read this!
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    Last edited by ziah; 03-23-2017 at 04:09 PM.

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