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Thread: Miserable During Deployment

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    #1

    Miserable During Deployment

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    So I'm absolutely miserable right now. I'm 4 months into a 9 month deployment and communication has been sporadic at best. When db (of a year and a half now) deployed, I didn't hear from him for 5 weeks. Of course I had a meltdown and thought for sure our relationship was over. When I finally heard from him, he was apologetic for not getting to me, and said the armed forces screwed up his login stuff so he couldn't get on the Internet and on his email. Since then, I heard from him once every 10-14 days.

    Six weeks ago, my grandpa passed away. I sent him an email letting him know what was going on, and he replied immediately saying he was so sorry, he was thinking of the family, wished he could be here to help, that me missed and loved me. I have not heard from him since.

    I downloaded an extension on my Internet browser that lets me see when emails I send are opened. So I've sent three emails in the last week, and he's opened all of them. Some he's opened multiple times (all my emails have pictures attached). But, he hasn't responded. The last email, I asked him to respond if he's still interested in communicating with me. And nothing.

    I'm not quite sure what to do. I don't want to believe he'd just give up on a year and a half without so much as a word. I want to believe he's still opening my emails and looking at pictures because he's still interested. I just don't know why he doesn't respond. I gotta believe if he can receive unsecured emails, he could probably send unsecured emails. I know there's a lot going on where he is right now, and I'm certain that based on what he's doing over there, he's extremely busy. But I don't know if that's the excuse. So I don't know if I should give up and move on. Or just suck it up and be patient.....
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    #2
    I've been at that point also... where I felt that because of no communication that he didn't love me anymore but every time I felt that way, it turned out it was just in my own head.

    Have faith! don't give up on him either! Especially if he's extremely busy. Sometimes my DF reads but doesn't respond till he gets free time to sit there and think about what to say.



    my inbox is open if you need to talk more.
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    #3
    Did you research to see if that extension is reliable?

    Frankly, it sounds to me like you don't trust him. There's no other reason you'd have felt a need to download an attachment to see whether he is ignoring you or busy. I don't really see much difference between that and logging in to his email or Facebook to check up on him. So it hardly matters which is the case--busy or ignoring. You don't trust that his priorities align with yours, with regard to communication. You don't trust that he will make you a priority when he can. So it doesn't seem to me like the relationship has much of a future, whether he's ignoring you or not.
    Science always wins over bullshit. ~Dick Rutkowski
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    #4
    Quote Originally Posted by villanelle View Post
    Did you research to see if that extension is reliable?

    Frankly, it sounds to me like you don't trust him. There's no other reason you'd have felt a need to download an attachment to see whether he is ignoring you or busy. I don't really see much difference between that and logging in to his email or Facebook to check up on him. So it hardly matters which is the case--busy or ignoring. You don't trust that his priorities align with yours, with regard to communication. You don't trust that he will make you a priority when he can. So it doesn't seem to me like the relationship has much of a future, whether he's ignoring you or not.
    I don't know if it's a lack of trust thing. I know his priorities don't align with mine with regards to communication because he told me as much going into the deployment. He gets homesick easily and he's trying to stay focused on his job over there. Wants to keep his head down and get his deployment over with ASAP. I signed up for this. I knew what I was getting myself into. Of course 4 months later, it's just hard. I initially was concerned about his safety. Since the time frame was atypical not to hear from him and especially since the last email was right after my grandpa died. I figured for sure he'd check up to see how I was doing. So, that's what started it. I was concerned that he was not ok and just wanted some confirmation of that.

    It has since manifested itself into me being slightly paranoid/freaked out. And it brings out old demons of mine in that I've been badly burned before in relationships, so deep down I can be rather insecure and not trusting. This just brings it out in me. I'm certain if our relationship can survive this deployment, we'll be fine. I'm just, well, in unfamiliar territory here.
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    #5
    Quote Originally Posted by refgirl View Post
    So I'm absolutely miserable right now. I'm 4 months into a 9 month deployment and communication has been sporadic at best. When db (of a year and a half now) deployed, I didn't hear from him for 5 weeks. Of course I had a meltdown and thought for sure our relationship was over. When I finally heard from him, he was apologetic for not getting to me, and said the armed forces screwed up his login stuff so he couldn't get on the Internet and on his email. Since then, I heard from him once every 10-14 days.

    Six weeks ago, my grandpa passed away. I sent him an email letting him know what was going on, and he replied immediately saying he was so sorry, he was thinking of the family, wished he could be here to help, that me missed and loved me. I have not heard from him since.

    I downloaded an extension on my Internet browser that lets me see when emails I send are opened. So I've sent three emails in the last week, and he's opened all of them. Some he's opened multiple times (all my emails have pictures attached). But, he hasn't responded. The last email, I asked him to respond if he's still interested in communicating with me. And nothing.

    I'm not quite sure what to do. I don't want to believe he'd just give up on a year and a half without so much as a word. I want to believe he's still opening my emails and looking at pictures because he's still interested. I just don't know why he doesn't respond. I gotta believe if he can receive unsecured emails, he could probably send unsecured emails. I know there's a lot going on where he is right now, and I'm certain that based on what he's doing over there, he's extremely busy. But I don't know if that's the excuse. So I don't know if I should give up and move on. Or just suck it up and be patient.....
    It's tough to say, really. It could be his schedule or he could be taking the cowards way out of the relationship by dropping all communication. IDK

    But about opening emails, I'm really bad at looking at messages from family and friends while I'm busy and I tell myself I'll respond later and then I'll forget. Maybe he is just super busy?




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    Quote Originally Posted by refgirl View Post
    I don't know if it's a lack of trust thing. I know his priorities don't align with mine with regards to communication because he told me as much going into the deployment. He gets homesick easily and he's trying to stay focused on his job over there. Wants to keep his head down and get his deployment over with ASAP. I signed up for this. I knew what I was getting myself into. Of course 4 months later, it's just hard. I initially was concerned about his safety. Since the time frame was atypical not to hear from him and especially since the last email was right after my grandpa died. I figured for sure he'd check up to see how I was doing. So, that's what started it. I was concerned that he was not ok and just wanted some confirmation of that.

    It has since manifested itself into me being slightly paranoid/freaked out. And it brings out old demons of mine in that I've been badly burned before in relationships, so deep down I can be rather insecure and not trusting. This just brings it out in me. I'm certain if our relationship can survive this deployment, we'll be fine. I'm just, well, in unfamiliar territory here.
    Notice that these two seem in conflict.

    Also, if your priorities aren't in alignment, honestly, this is going to be a very, very tough road. Talk it out and try to come to an agreement. For example, my DH knows that any more than 3 days is not really okay, unless he is truly too busy. Even if he sends a "tired, busy, missing you" email, that's fine. I trust him to balance it all, keeping my needs as well as his in mind. If it is more than 3 days, then I know for certain he is truly too busy or exhausted, and I don't worry even a little. I believe in him and trust in his choices and his ability to make decisions with my needs in mind, even if, in the end, those choices don't always give me what I wish for. You *MUST* have that trust or you will spend all your time worrying like you are now. And if you can't get to that place of trust, it seems doomed.

    It's hard to know with different services and different kinds of deployments, but with my DH's situations, if he ever went more than about a week, it would not be okay, because I know he has access to some way to get ahold of me, even if it is a super short email or something. Five weeks? That would be a serious come to Jesus moment in my relationship. Even if for some reason DH's email was messed up, he could easily ask a buddy to send me an email letting me know what was going on. I nearly all cases, I find it pretty much impossible to believe there was *no* chance for him to communicate for 5 weeks. That's a *choice*, and for me, that would tell me where I feel on someone's priority list, and where I fell wouldn't be acceptable to me for a long term relationship. YMMV.
    Science always wins over bullshit. ~Dick Rutkowski
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    #7
    Refgirl...deployments are stressful, especially when communication is sporadic. During the 1st deployment with my BF, I heard from him twice only. 1 postcard and 1 letter in a 7 month period. I freaked out too, thought he had lost interest...but he simply was focused on the task at hand and remember, there is a time difference and when he's able to read your emails, it's probably after a long day of work, then getting dinner, doing laundry/shopping at the base exchange/going to the gym...there are dozens of reasons that he's not emailing back. My bf is 8 1/2 hours ahead of me, so when I'm awake, he's sleeping. Also, depending on the base, they may have time restrictions regarding internet usage. Be patient and try to be understanding and supportive. My boyfriend and I are currently in our 4th deployment. He's only 2 weeks in to a 7 month stint, so I have a long way to go. He is working 7 days a week, about 10 hours a day. I was fully prepared to get an email maybe once or twice a week and a phone call probably once a week. You learn very quickly that his mission takes priority over everything else. Don't feel discouraged, forgotten or unloved. If your relationship can sustain through a deployment, you are both stronger and more committed than most couples these days (military or not).
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    #8
    Quote Originally Posted by villanelle View Post
    Did you research to see if that extension is reliable?

    Frankly, it sounds to me like you don't trust him. There's no other reason you'd have felt a need to download an attachment to see whether he is ignoring you or busy. I don't really see much difference between that and logging in to his email or Facebook to check up on him. So it hardly matters which is the case--busy or ignoring. You don't trust that his priorities align with yours, with regard to communication. You don't trust that he will make you a priority when he can. So it doesn't seem to me like the relationship has much of a future, whether he's ignoring you or not.
    This.


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    #9
    Quote Originally Posted by fraujennyy View Post
    This.
    Maybe it is a lack of trust. This is hard, hardest thing I've ever had to do, and there is literally nobody in my life who has been in a relationship with someone who's deployed. So they automatically assume the worst, which doesn't result in a ton of support from them. And so I resort to tracking emails. That at least lets me know he's alive. I actually took solace in knowing he was checking my emails and at least still opening them. That has obviously been replaced by paranoia. And lack of trust. Hard times don't always bring the best out in people, but I don't know that my current lack of trust necessarily means doom for our relationship. I'm doing my best to have faith that we can survive this. I'm struggling right now.

    Quote Originally Posted by Seabeegirlfriend View Post
    Refgirl...deployments are stressful, especially when communication is sporadic. During the 1st deployment with my BF, I heard from him twice only. 1 postcard and 1 letter in a 7 month period. I freaked out too, thought he had lost interest...but he simply was focused on the task at hand and remember, there is a time difference and when he's able to read your emails, it's probably after a long day of work, then getting dinner, doing laundry/shopping at the base exchange/going to the gym...there are dozens of reasons that he's not emailing back. My bf is 8 1/2 hours ahead of me, so when I'm awake, he's sleeping. Also, depending on the base, they may have time restrictions regarding internet usage. Be patient and try to be understanding and supportive. My boyfriend and I are currently in our 4th deployment. He's only 2 weeks in to a 7 month stint, so I have a long way to go. He is working 7 days a week, about 10 hours a day. I was fully prepared to get an email maybe once or twice a week and a phone call probably once a week. You learn very quickly that his mission takes priority over everything else. Don't feel discouraged, forgotten or unloved. If your relationship can sustain through a deployment, you are both stronger and more committed than most couples these days (military or not).
    We're 11 and a half hours difference. And I know he's working 16 hour days, at least that's what he told me during one of his emails. And that he's tired all the time. So I understand that. Like I said, it's just hard and I'm struggling. I'm also pessimistic and immediately assume the worst, i.e. that he's checked out. Thanks for the positive thoughts. Right now I don't have very many and am doing the best I can to keep it together.
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    #10
    Quote Originally Posted by refgirl View Post
    So I'm absolutely miserable right now. I'm 4 months into a 9 month deployment and communication has been sporadic at best. When db (of a year and a half now) deployed, I didn't hear from him for 5 weeks. Of course I had a meltdown and thought for sure our relationship was over. When I finally heard from him, he was apologetic for not getting to me, and said the armed forces screwed up his login stuff so he couldn't get on the Internet and on his email. Since then, I heard from him once every 10-14 days.

    Six weeks ago, my grandpa passed away. I sent him an email letting him know what was going on, and he replied immediately saying he was so sorry, he was thinking of the family, wished he could be here to help, that me missed and loved me. I have not heard from him since.

    I downloaded an extension on my Internet browser that lets me see when emails I send are opened. So I've sent three emails in the last week, and he's opened all of them. Some he's opened multiple times (all my emails have pictures attached). But, he hasn't responded. The last email, I asked him to respond if he's still interested in communicating with me. And nothing.

    I'm not quite sure what to do. I don't want to believe he'd just give up on a year and a half without so much as a word. I want to believe he's still opening my emails and looking at pictures because he's still interested. I just don't know why he doesn't respond. I gotta believe if he can receive unsecured emails, he could probably send unsecured emails. I know there's a lot going on where he is right now, and I'm certain that based on what he's doing over there, he's extremely busy. But I don't know if that's the excuse. So I don't know if I should give up and move on. Or just suck it up and be patient.....
    You do realize that emails are triggered by certain words and screened and it may not be him opening them right?
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