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Thread: No Contact Since Deployment

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    #1

    No Contact Since Deployment

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    Hello, this is my first post here and I'm hoping someone can help put my mind at ease. The DB and I have been together almost a year and a half. The first year of our relationship, he was here in Arizona with me. He was transferred to Watertown in January, and I haven't seen him since. We talked about me moving with him, but since he was deploying, and I'm a lawyer licensed to practice in Arizona and Arizona only, it made no sense for me to move. He deployed 4 weeks ago today. His last words to me were via email (he gave his phone to his dad) and they were "I miss you already babe, I'll talk to you in a few when I get all settled in. Don't worry 'bout nothing, I'll be just fine. Love you." That was 4 weeks and one day ago. I haven't heard from him since.

    He said he'd email and call whenever he could. This is the first time I've ever dated someone in the Army, let alone someone who is deployed and I just don't know if this is normal or not. We talked daily before he left, sometimes multiple times a day. And the lack of communication sucks, but it's not debilitating. All I want from him is some reassurance that he's still in this relationship. I don't need to talk daily or have long conversations. Just a quick note from him that he's alive, doing ok and still loves me.

    Also, I've never met his family since we met here and he's from the east coast. So I have no way of contacting them to see if he's sent them an email. His dad is supposed to have my contact information in case something happens. Although I'm not worried about that at the moment.

    Any thoughts?
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    #2
    Hey, Welcome to the forum.

    As for your question, I'll be honest. A month with no contact is pretty unusual. If he was going to a super remote base or has a special ops type position it would be slightly more understandable, but you didn't mention that. At this point, he could have sent snail mail if there were no phones for some reason.

    Do you have his military email address? Have you tried sending him a letter/package? Usually guys will know the address of their destination before they leave - did he give it to you? If I were you, I'd get in contact with his family at this point, at least to ask if they've heard from him.

    Now I don't think anything really bad has happened, because you probably would have heard about that, but it could be that he got in some minor trouble and had his comms restricted, or it could be that he's just checked out of the relationship for now and thinks you know he's safe. Did you guys discuss expectations at all before he left, regarding communication and keeping in contact?
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    Quote Originally Posted by rocket_lizz View Post
    Hey, Welcome to the forum.

    As for your question, I'll be honest. A month with no contact is pretty unusual. If he was going to a super remote base or has a special ops type position it would be slightly more understandable, but you didn't mention that. At this point, he could have sent snail mail if there were no phones for some reason.

    Do you have his military email address? Have you tried sending him a letter/package? Usually guys will know the address of their destination before they leave - did he give it to you? If I were you, I'd get in contact with his family at this point, at least to ask if they've heard from him.

    Now I don't think anything really bad has happened, because you probably would have heard about that, but it could be that he got in some minor trouble and had his comms restricted, or it could be that he's just checked out of the relationship for now and thinks you know he's safe. Did you guys discuss expectations at all before he left, regarding communication and keeping in contact?
    I don't believe he was going to a super remote base. He said it sounded like he was going to be at a big base, of course I don't know for sure. But I believe that's the case based on what I've read in the news (I know not super reliable) that all our troops are on our big bases. And he does not have a special ops type position, that I know of.

    I don't have his military address, never thought I'd need it. I also don't have the address of his destination. I know he's in the south part of the country. That's it.

    We discussed expectations in the sense that he said he'd call and email whenever he could. He also said that it'd be at least two weeks before he'd be able to contact me. And I know he has two weeks of training when he gets there. So I was thinking 4 weeks at the absolute most before I heard from him. I don't believe he would have lied to me about that and if he intended not to contact me he would have stated as much prior to his deployment.

    But my fear is, he's checked out of this relationship. And well, that's not a very fun feeling to have, especially when there's nothing I can do about it or even get my questions answered.
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    #4
    Hey, hang in there. My DB is currently in deployment and the communication has been spotty so keep the faith that maybe he ended up busier than he thought. I know I sometimes get caught up when my DB says he'll be able to call me in a few days and then I bug out thinking what is he doing, why isn't he calling and such. Then when he actually does call, he explains all the stuff he's been doing and that it was the first honest time he got to call. I know that may not help you much, but hopefully he does reach out soon. Maybe it will be some weird situation like he tried to email but it didn't go through? Hah Good luck!!
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    I'm on my first deployment too and my DB is Special Ops. I know all of his family and friends so I know this to be true. He does make an effort to contact when he can and spotty communication is difficult to understand sometimes.
    I used to be active duty myself (quartermaster) and sometimes it is just hard to contact home at all cause you really need to focus on what's at hand and you don't want to think about all you are missing out on at home, if that makes sense.
    One thing I have been told by many experienced SO on this forum is that you have to look out for yourself first. If you are confident that he really can not contact you then try to hold on to that and have faith that he will. If not, I say take the plunge and contact his family. Why not? What do you have to lose at this point and there is no harm in introducing yourself... they may really help relieve your mind and that's the next important step for you, IMO.
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    #6
    Quote Originally Posted by Sk8r150 View Post
    I'm on my first deployment too and my DB is Special Ops. I know all of his family and friends so I know this to be true. He does make an effort to contact when he can and spotty communication is difficult to understand sometimes.
    I used to be active duty myself (quartermaster) and sometimes it is just hard to contact home at all cause you really need to focus on what's at hand and you don't want to think about all you are missing out on at home, if that makes sense.
    One thing I have been told by many experienced SO on this forum is that you have to look out for yourself first. If you are confident that he really can not contact you then try to hold on to that and have faith that he will. If not, I say take the plunge and contact his family. Why not? What do you have to lose at this point and there is no harm in introducing yourself... they may really help relieve your mind and that's the next important step for you, IMO.
    That totally makes sense, he even told me as much before he left. This is his second deployment. He said he didn't want care packages or a lot of emails because it makes him see all the stuff he's missing out on and makes him homesick and even more miserable than he already is. He also said he just wants to put his head down, do his job and make this 9 months go as fast as possible. Also, he is prone to doing stupid stuff so he wants to devote all his focus to his job and those around him, so he doesn't do something stupid and you know, no one gets dead.

    That being said, I have absolutely no idea what his communication situation is and I have no idea, I mean, I just have no idea.

    I'll be honest though, I'd have to friend one of his sisters via FaceBook to reach out, and that scares me lol, because I'm a wimp when it comes to things like that. He's not close with his family, one of his sisters didn't even know he was dating someone until we had been dating for almost a year. So, I don't even know if they'd know. Then I'd feel stupid. Of course, I guess it's better than feeling like I'm feeling now.
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    It sounds like he was pretty honest with you about his feelings and he is focused on his feelings. Maybe you should tell him how him not contacting you is affecting your feelings. If he really cares about you waiting for him, he will find a way to contact you. Even if it is a brief "Hey, I'm alive and we're still in this together".
    One thing you did say is that his family does know that you two are dating. I don't think it would be silly to check in with his family to inquire about his well-being. Anyone close friend that cared would do that no matter what the situation was, I would think.
    My DB is my best friend and I would definitely ask a family member I didn't know if he were ok if I hadn't heard from him in a while.
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    #8
    Quote Originally Posted by Sk8r150 View Post
    It sounds like he was pretty honest with you about his feelings and he is focused on his feelings. Maybe you should tell him how him not contacting you is affecting your feelings. If he really cares about you waiting for him, he will find a way to contact you. Even if it is a brief "Hey, I'm alive and we're still in this together".
    One thing you did say is that his family does know that you two are dating. I don't think it would be silly to check in with his family to inquire about his well-being. Anyone close friend that cared would do that no matter what the situation was, I would think.
    My DB is my best friend and I would definitely ask a family member I didn't know if he were ok if I hadn't heard from him in a while.
    Maybe after 2 months. My fear is that he's contacted his family and has no intention of contacting me. Then I contact them and they tell him I contacted them and he gets upset that I'm contacting his family. Again, I'm probably being totally irrational, but I haven't heard from him in too long by my standards and I am a woman, so nature has taken over lol.

    I had a thought, and I'm sure I'm just grasping here, but is it possible that he doesn't have access to unsecured communication? I know he has two Army email accounts, one is secured and one isn't and then he has his gmail account. I only have his gmail account and he only knows my email address through his gmail account (he's a boy, he doesn't remember details like email addresses and phone numbers). So, if he didn't have access to that gmail account, he wouldn't see my emails and wouldn't be able to email me. Again, I know I'm grasping, but I just hate the thought of acknowledging he is intentionally not contacting me.
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    Quote Originally Posted by refgirl View Post
    Maybe after 2 months. My fear is that he's contacted his family and has no intention of contacting me. Then I contact them and they tell him I contacted them and he gets upset that I'm contacting his family. Again, I'm probably being totally irrational, but I haven't heard from him in too long by my standards and I am a woman, so nature has taken over lol.

    I had a thought, and I'm sure I'm just grasping here, but is it possible that he doesn't have access to unsecured communication? I know he has two Army email accounts, one is secured and one isn't and then he has his gmail account. I only have his gmail account and he only knows my email address through his gmail account (he's a boy, he doesn't remember details like email addresses and phone numbers). So, if he didn't have access to that gmail account, he wouldn't see my emails and wouldn't be able to email me. Again, I know I'm grasping, but I just hate the thought of acknowledging he is intentionally not contacting me.
    It is excpetionally unlikely. In a month, he had a chance to contact you if he wanted to and felt it was a priority.

    At this point, I'd cut my losses. But if you are prepared to do that, I'd contact his family and ask if they have heard from him at all. If they have then you know for sure he has had time and ability to communicate.

    Also, unsecured emails can be sent from .mil email accounts. I believe everyone gets both a SIPR and NIPR (secret and not) email account, like you mentioned. DH sent me an email today to my yahoo address saying he'd be late tonight, for example. So no need to access gmail or anything else. Have you tried email him at his .mil account, or did he not give you that address? If not, that's a disappointing oversight on his account. It might be something you can ask his parents if they would feel comfortable giving you, depending on how the rest of your conversation with them goes.

    But the reality is that no one except super spec ops guys ever go a month with no chance to communicate. It doesn't happen. Those who tell you it did because it happened with their boyfriend only know he didn't mail them, and they assume that means he had no chance. They don't and can't know whether he could have. And the answer to that, 99.5% of the time is that yes, he could have.

    I understand that hurts and it sucks. I'm a big believer in facing truths, even the ugliest ones, and getting it over with, and that's how I give advice. I wish you the best of luck.
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    #10
    Quote Originally Posted by villanelle View Post
    It is excpetionally unlikely. In a month, he had a chance to contact you if he wanted to and felt it was a priority.

    At this point, I'd cut my losses. But if you are prepared to do that, I'd contact his family and ask if they have heard from him at all. If they have then you know for sure he has had time and ability to communicate.

    Also, unsecured emails can be sent from .mil email accounts. I believe everyone gets both a SIPR and NIPR (secret and not) email account, like you mentioned. DH sent me an email today to my yahoo address saying he'd be late tonight, for example. So no need to access gmail or anything else. Have you tried email him at his .mil account, or did he not give you that address? If not, that's a disappointing oversight on his account. It might be something you can ask his parents if they would feel comfortable giving you, depending on how the rest of your conversation with them goes.

    But the reality is that no one except super spec ops guys ever go a month with no chance to communicate. It doesn't happen. Those who tell you it did because it happened with their boyfriend only know he didn't mail them, and they assume that means he had no chance. They don't and can't know whether he could have. And the answer to that, 99.5% of the time is that yes, he could have.

    I understand that hurts and it sucks. I'm a big believer in facing truths, even the ugliest ones, and getting it over with, and that's how I give advice. I wish you the best of luck.
    I understand. I'm not quite ready to cut my losses just yet. Especially how we ended things. And also, I'm stubborn. I may have to soon though, for my own sanity.

    He did not give me his military emails. I didn't think to ask. Didn't think I'd need them. He also doesn't know my email address or mailing address or phone number off the top of his head. Only way he can get that info is if he has access to his gmail account.
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