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Thread: I feel like I'm going crazy

  1. Fresh Newbie
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    #1

    I feel like I'm going crazy

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    Hello everyone,

    I recently got engaged to the most amazing guy and he's a marine. We've known each other for about eight years. In 2012 he was sent on his first deployment, we weren't in a relationship at the time so things were much different. Well, after he came back last year we decided to give a relationship a go and we got engaged in March of this year, a week before he shipped off to his second deployment, which we only had about a two week notice of. I'm a pretty independent person and as such asking for support doesn't come naturally to me. I thought that I would be okay and could handle this on my own, but I'm finding that I need somebody to vent to and as much as I love my friends, they have no idea how to help me.

    Well he got orders to deploy again and of course this being my first deployment I'm thinking it can't be that bad and time will fly by. It's not. It's going horribly slow and I'm stressed out from worrying about him all of the time. With a stroke of luck, however, instead of doing his normal job (which is super dangerous) he got put in the office. This was a major sigh of relief for me. Well, he hates it and he's bored out of his mind, which I'm okay with because I'd rather have him bored than have anything happen to him (I know, it's selfish). I just found out that he's volunteered to go on missions and do his normal job. He didn't even run it by me first. His justification was that it's his job and doing paperwork isn't. And I'm just sitting there looking at catering menu's for our wedding and he's over there deciding to play with fate. Needless to say, I blew a serious gasket when he told me. I mean, if he got orders that would be one thing, but he just volunteered himself like it was nothing.

    I haven't slept since he left, I have nightmares all the time, I either binge eat or can't keep anything down, I have like one hundred mood swings a day, I can't think of anything besides worrying about him, I have no energy and I cry about everything. I feel like I'm going crazy. And he can't understand why I'm mad about him volunteering. I understand that it's his job, but is it so insane for me to think that he should have at least discussed it with me first?! Why tempt fate?!

    I'm at my wit's end. I'm trying to be supportive and accommodating because I know that he loves his job and it keeps others safe, but was it too much to ask for him to just be bored for a couple of months, but that he would be safe. I don't know how to cope with all this stress and worrying about him. It honestly feels like he's picking his job over me (trust me, I know how selfish that makes me sound). I'm not trying to be selfish, but all I can think about is what if something happens to him and this whole future that I'm planning for us never has a chance to happen. He doesn't understand where I'm coming from and I can't understand why he doesn't seem to care about our future.

    I would really appreciate some advice if anybody has some.
    Thanks.
  2. Team Rocket
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    #2
    Quote Originally Posted by brandy1 View Post
    Hello everyone,

    I recently got engaged to the most amazing guy and he's a marine. We've known each other for about eight years. In 2012 he was sent on his first deployment, we weren't in a relationship at the time so things were much different. Well, after he came back last year we decided to give a relationship a go and we got engaged in March of this year, a week before he shipped off to his second deployment, which we only had about a two week notice of. I'm a pretty independent person and as such asking for support doesn't come naturally to me. I thought that I would be okay and could handle this on my own, but I'm finding that I need somebody to vent to and as much as I love my friends, they have no idea how to help me.

    Well he got orders to deploy again and of course this being my first deployment I'm thinking it can't be that bad and time will fly by. It's not. It's going horribly slow and I'm stressed out from worrying about him all of the time. With a stroke of luck, however, instead of doing his normal job (which is super dangerous) he got put in the office. This was a major sigh of relief for me. Well, he hates it and he's bored out of his mind, which I'm okay with because I'd rather have him bored than have anything happen to him (I know, it's selfish). I just found out that he's volunteered to go on missions and do his normal job. He didn't even run it by me first. His justification was that it's his job and doing paperwork isn't. And I'm just sitting there looking at catering menu's for our wedding and he's over there deciding to play with fate. Needless to say, I blew a serious gasket when he told me. I mean, if he got orders that would be one thing, but he just volunteered himself like it was nothing.

    I haven't slept since he left, I have nightmares all the time, I either binge eat or can't keep anything down, I have like one hundred mood swings a day, I can't think of anything besides worrying about him, I have no energy and I cry about everything. I feel like I'm going crazy. And he can't understand why I'm mad about him volunteering. I understand that it's his job, but is it so insane for me to think that he should have at least discussed it with me first?! Why tempt fate?!

    I'm at my wit's end. I'm trying to be supportive and accommodating because I know that he loves his job and it keeps others safe, but was it too much to ask for him to just be bored for a couple of months, but that he would be safe. I don't know how to cope with all this stress and worrying about him. It honestly feels like he's picking his job over me (trust me, I know how selfish that makes me sound). I'm not trying to be selfish, but all I can think about is what if something happens to him and this whole future that I'm planning for us never has a chance to happen. He doesn't understand where I'm coming from and I can't understand why he doesn't seem to care about our future.

    I would really appreciate some advice if anybody has some.
    Thanks.
    Welcome to the forum

    First of all, you should introduce yourself in the newbies section!

    I'm sorry you're struggling with this deployment It can be really freakin' hard.

    However, I do think you are taking this super personally. Honestly, I get where your DF is coming from with not wanting to be bored. I've been doing stupid admin work for a couple months at my job while waiting for other stuff to happen and OMG I am so done with being bored. This isn't what I was hired to do. Your DF trained to do his job, and clearly he likes it and is good at it. It's stressful to think that's he's "deliberately" putting himself in harms way, but it's really not about that. I think, especially in the military, that the pressure to help out and do as much as you can is pretty high. When my DH was in Iraq, he volunteered for all kinds of shit, not only because it kept away the boredom, but also because it really feels fulfilling to go out and do these extra helpful things.

    You gotta trust that your DF knows how to do his job, and do it well enough to keep himself from getting hurt. I totally get being upset that he's doing something more dangerous, and I'm not trying to sound mean or anything, but I think you have to just be okay with this. I would 100% not be okay with my DH telling me to be bored and hate my job just for him.

    I feel like perhaps the stress of a first deployment together on top of the wedding planning is really a lot for you. Maybe it would be better just to deal with deployment for now and then plan the wedding together when he returns?? My DH actually quite enjoyed the parts of the wedding planning that I had him help with.
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  3. MilitarySOS Jewel
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    #3
    Quote Originally Posted by rocket_lizz View Post
    Welcome to the forum

    First of all, you should introduce yourself in the newbies section!

    I'm sorry you're struggling with this deployment It can be really freakin' hard.

    However, I do think you are taking this super personally. Honestly, I get where your DF is coming from with not wanting to be bored. I've been doing stupid admin work for a couple months at my job while waiting for other stuff to happen and OMG I am so done with being bored. This isn't what I was hired to do. Your DF trained to do his job, and clearly he likes it and is good at it. It's stressful to think that's he's "deliberately" putting himself in harms way, but it's really not about that. I think, especially in the military, that the pressure to help out and do as much as you can is pretty high. When my DH was in Iraq, he volunteered for all kinds of shit, not only because it kept away the boredom, but also because it really feels fulfilling to go out and do these extra helpful things.

    You gotta trust that your DF knows how to do his job, and do it well enough to keep himself from getting hurt. I totally get being upset that he's doing something more dangerous, and I'm not trying to sound mean or anything, but I think you have to just be okay with this. I would 100% not be okay with my DH telling me to be bored and hate my job just for him.

    I feel like perhaps the stress of a first deployment together on top of the wedding planning is really a lot for you. Maybe it would be better just to deal with deployment for now and then plan the wedding together when he returns?? My DH actually quite enjoyed the parts of the wedding planning that I had him help with.
    - I think this sums it all up pretty darn well. If the impact you are seeing on yourself and your well-being is truly as extreme as your description, I would suggest it might be time to consider seeking some assistance from a counselor, etc in finding some coping mechanisms to help you be able to get through the rest of this deployment in a more healthy manner.
  4. Pour a little salt, we were never here
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    #4
    I totally get your frustration and worry. My DH and I have talked at length about his job, and the requirements of it, the dangers of it, and the precautions taken to be safe. We have understandings with each other on what would be reckless and unacceptable, and versus what would be unavoidable and his duty (even if doing it caused him harm). There is (hopefully) a huge team mentality among the people over there with your DF, and he probably feels a great need to participate and be of use. What I remind myself of when DH is possibly in harms way, is that he is well trained, and he specifically tries to do things in the safest way possible for everyone involved. If anything ever happens to him, I will be confident that he did everything he could to be safe, and it was out of his control. I won't think "Oh he was being stupid and taking unnecessary risks" because I've talked to him in depth about it, and know his philosophy and how he operates.

    It might be difficult while he is deployed, but for long term, I would try to have some of these talks with him and find out where he's coming from. His reasoning for volunteering may help you feel better and understand more, as well as knowing his particular approach to his job and the situations it puts him in.
  5. Senior Member
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    #5
    I really believe that deployment stress can have a larger effect on family/SO's/children/loved ones than we realize and is something that should be studied in more depth. DH was deployed for 15 months in 2007 and I'm still seeing ways that the stress of that deployment has impacted me.

    It sounds to me that it would be best for you to seek the advice/help of a counselor. I know what you are going through and I really hope you find ways to cope with the stress!
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    #6
    Is he planning on staying in the Corps longterm? If so, have you really thought this through and made sure you are prepared to be in this for life (or for the next 15 years)?

    I do get worrying about a loved on. But life is full of a thousand risks, and you can't focus on those. You have to learn ways to cope and to focus on the things which you can control. DOn't borrow trouble. If something bad happens, there will be plenty of time to worry and freak out at that time. Doing it now is a waste. Trust him, trust his training, and then mentally move on. I know it's easier said than done, which is why some counseling might help.

    But a situation where you are this upset and worried, and where it is causing stress and also creating situations where your DH is likely feeling a lot of judgement and guilt is just not sustainable long term, and it's not good for anyone.
    Science always wins over bullshit. ~Dick Rutkowski
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    #7
    Hi Brandy,
    When my DG first deployed. I was a mess (Planning a cross country move to DG's new post, job search, and talking about marriage). Too on edge to sleep, the evidence of my binge eating always available on my night stand the next day, stressed about every aspect of life as soon a DG were to return, and also worried about all the things that could happen. I am lucky in that DG is not out in the field on a daily and consider it a blessing. Like some of the others mentioned- service members are in it because they are generally good at their job and like what they do. There is a certain amount of pressure/need to contribute.

    Good points were brought up in your post, be sure you are ready for this life-- but don't mistake moments of being overwhelmed for uncertainty. I think those happen to everyone. Have a conversation with your DF about what your worries are, let him know that you understand it is his job and ask him to please be as considerate of your relationship/future as possible when making those decisions. That said you also have to realize this life is not always the safest, its part of the job and they take their sense of duty seriously. Counseling is a good option. My counselor really helped me sort of find my balance. You can't let this consume you. You have to take care of yourself as well. That doesn't make you a bad DF. Its healthy to find a balance between continuing with life here and connecting to DF there. I also agree handling the wedding upon DF's return might be a better option. My counselor suggested local support groups but I was unable to find LGBT friendly groups in my area. Perhaps you should look into those. If you need to talk please feel free to message me

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