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Thread: First deployment blues

  1. Old Newbie
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    #1

    First deployment blues

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    Hi all, I'm going through my first deployment with my SO , we have been dating for 2 & 1/2 years. so far it's only been 2 months and possibly 7 months to go! Some days I feel I am OK and some days are getting hard. I feel like I am only getting 1 phone call a week lately and he always seems to log on to Facebook but when I try to talk to him I get mostly one word answers. I know he's busy but I'm feeling ignored. I asked a couple other girls how often they talked to there SO and they said they were getting a message at least everyday which made me sad. I wrote to him that I know he is busy, but I don't understand why he can't just send me a short message every day like other soldiers do and he responded that he is one of the only people working 18 hours a day, managing endless tasks, barely eating and barely having time to sleep. He said he loves me but he doesn't know what else to tell me. I responded with just an"ok" I guess he can't handle communicating like maybe other SO's can. It's just hard to understand. I don't want to be the ignored girlfriend, I'm trying very hard here.

    He also told me he can't skype with me and the internet is slow, so guess that's not happening either. Any advice or thoughts???
  2. MilitarySOS Jewel
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    #2
    First of all because deployments are hard and, IMO, first deployments are the worst.

    Try not to compare how much you guys communicate with other couples. When DH was gone the 2nd time he was somewhere with no skype and in the beginning no phones, an insane and intense work load, and dealing with some other stuff. We only fb chatted once every couple of days and when they got phones he called maybe once a week. Meanwhile my friends husband who has the same job was at a different place skyping multiple times everyday. This deployment my husband has a less intense schedule so we fb chat daily and skype once a week or so but her husband is in a spot like my DH was last time so they don't get to talk very often. I only share this because I want you to be able to see how different it can be from person to person and from deployment to deployment. Even if they have the same job.

    Internet being slow is very plausible too by the way! It sounds to me like he has a stressful work load and in your position I would try to be understanding of that and maybe not expect him to contact you every day, or if he does to not expect lengthy responses, he's probably exhausted.

    I hope none of that came off as rude, I've been where you are when DH was gone the first time and had to push myself into being more understanding, I know it's easier said than done but that's what I think the solution is here.
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    #3
    Thank you so much for the response and advice. It's good to hear people who understand and had similar situations. I'm going to keep trying to be understanding and get through this...just having one of those bad days!
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    Yes Deployments suck. We're only 2.5 months into this one (my first with DB) but I went through 2 with an ex and grew up an Army brat so...like HisCrazyGirl said...do not compare yourself to others. Even guys with the same MOS at the same place will have different work loads. Plus some guys might find reaching out to their SO is what they do to cope. Others (like my DB) would rather go to the gym, watch a movie, hang with the guys if they've had a bad day rather than "taking it out" on their SO by being a grump ass. Doesn't mean they love their SO any less, but it's just how they cope. I will add, if your DB doesn't feel like talking, try to be understanding. Esp when DB is working long, hard hours he wants to know that he can look forward to an upbeat, positive conversation with me. Sometimes I have to fake it but I've found it leads to more communication in the long run.
    Last edited by emily511; 05-04-2014 at 11:09 AM.
  5. The name says it all!
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    #5
    Quote Originally Posted by emily511 View Post
    Yes Deployments suck. We're only 2.5 months into this one (my first with DB) but I went through 2 with an ex and grew up an Army brat so...like HisCrazyGirl said...do not compare yourself to others. Even guys with the same MOS at the same place will have different work loads. Plus some guys might find reaching out to their SO is what they do to cope. Others (like my DB) would rather go to the gym, watch a movie, hang with the guys if they've had a bad day rather than "taking it out" on their SO by being a grump ass. Doesn't mean they love their SO any less, but it's just how they cope. I will add, if your DB doesn't feel like talking, try to be understanding. Esp when DB is working long, hard hours he wants to know that he can look forward to an upbeat, positive conversation with me. Sometimes I have to fake it but I've found it leads to more communication in the long run.


    I hope none of that came off as rude, I've been where you are when DH was gone the first time and had to push myself into being more understanding, I know it's easier said than done but that's what I think the solution is here.
    My husband deployed and had great reception so we got to talk every day (almost) while his buddies didn't have the best and they got to skype once a week or so. It's a crap shoot really so please don't think your sweetie doesn't want to talk to you, just know that he needs some time to himself. He loves you and maybe he just doesn't feel like he's in a good enough mood to talk to you. Deployments suck!

    DH: Thank you. ME: For what, babe? DH: For being you.




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    #6
    Quote Originally Posted by emily511 View Post
    Yes Deployments suck. We're only 2.5 months into this one (my first with DB) but I went through 2 with an ex and grew up an Army brat so...like HisCrazyGirl said...do not compare yourself to others. Even guys with the same MOS at the same place will have different work loads. Plus some guys might find reaching out to their SO is what they do to cope. Others (like my DB) would rather go to the gym, watch a movie, hang with the guys if they've had a bad day rather than "taking it out" on their SO by being a grump ass. Doesn't mean they love their SO any less, but it's just how they cope. I will add, if your DB doesn't feel like talking, try to be understanding. Esp when DB is working long, hard hours he wants to know that he can look forward to an upbeat, positive conversation with me. Sometimes I have to fake it but I've found it leads to more communication in the long run.


    I hope none of that came off as rude, I've been where you are when DH was gone the first time and had to push myself into being more understanding, I know it's easier said than done but that's what I think the solution is here.

    Thank you emily511! That is definitely helpful advice, I'm doing to try to keep conversations positive (though it may be hard!) and just except that when he can talk to me is when he is going to talk to me. The hardest part is not comparing him to other SO's, but your right..everyone is coping differently with different work loads.. Even if at the same location. Thank you!
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    #7
    Quote Originally Posted by Nerdy Vixen View Post
    My husband deployed and had great reception so we got to talk every day (almost) while his buddies didn't have the best and they got to skype once a week or so. It's a crap shoot really so please don't think your sweetie doesn't want to talk to you, just know that he needs some time to himself. He loves you and maybe he just doesn't feel like he's in a good enough mood to talk to you. Deployments suck!
    Thank you! It's just good to have people understand and know what your going through. Appreciate it!
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    #8
    I just thought of this tidbit this morning, because I was getting kinda miffed for no reason-don't compare SO's actions now to what they have been. DB *normally* hops online at least three times a day if he can talk. He just went to a new location in Japan and started a new training and it's been MUCH less communication. Change is the only constant (esp in the military). You just have to trust that he is doing the absolute most he can for you right now and have confidence that ya'll make it....as far as the Facebook thing, that used to REALLY bother me when DB would get online. He'd always be talking to me too but sometimes you just want your man focused on YOU for a minute, ya know? Then sane Emily remembered that DB has other friends, and family, like his mother , that he really should stay in communication with too. Plus, how boring would it be if you were the only person your SO had to talk to?
  9. Preparing for Deployment #2
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    #9
    Honey you can't compare your deployment to anyone else... I haven't heard my DB voice since Feb.... And our only comm is IM...just take it day by day... He's stressed to, just let him know your there to support him. When my DB actually has an apo, I shop for him I make care packages.. It makes me feel close to him, shopping for things like I do when he is home. I'm always here if you need anything... This will all be over sooner than you think.
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    #10
    I am going through my first as well. It is hard to hear about everyone else getting more time to talk etc. But you have to remember that he misses you too and loves you just as much. I am sure he is making every effort he can to talk to you when he can.

    I keep telling myself that he is in the same boat I am as far as wishing we could talk more. You just have to keep your head up and remember you are one day closer.
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