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Thread: Deployment: Bringing out the worst?

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    #1

    Deployment: Bringing out the worst?

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    Is it just me or does deployment seem to bring out the worst in a relationship? I don't mean all the time because some days we are doing really good and then others we come to blows. I feel like whenever I try to point something out, to help my SO he flips out. But he is constantly pointing out things I'm doing wrong and what I can and cannot say or do. For instance last night we were talking and I had to go to bed early because I had a class at 8:30 in the morning, keeping in mind im the type of person who requires a lot of sleep so when I say go to bed early I should be goinng to bed at like 10:30pm but I stay up and talk to him for an extra few hours waiting for him to eat and finish PT in the mornings. So i apologized for needing to go to bed early and chimed in happily "we can skype tomorrow though " and his response is always the same "hopefully" or "we will see about that" or "if my schedule allows" It's been 3 months of non-happy non positive responses, I understand he is under a ton of stress but he claims to be hopeful and the way he talks lately is neither positive or hopeful. Everything is doubt-ridden and I tried last night to point that out and that he should be more positive and hopeful (only because I care and I know what a negative attitude can do to your mental state). Instead of taking my concern seriously he flips out at me starts yelling at me, to which i yelled back because I mean c'mon who can just sit there and get yelled at I'm not in the military I don't have tolerance for getting screamed at. He tells me the only one who needs to be positive is me. He says that I dont understand why he is negative and that I wont possibly ever understand or know and that I need to accept that. I'm sorry Im not the type of person who can just accept people to be negative especially people I care about. It is especially difficult to be positive and get negative feedback all the time. How does one remain positive when they are surrounded by negative? I'm trying really hard to be strong here but he has always been the more positive and upbeat one in the relationship and now it feels totally swapped. He constantly is reminding me of what I dont know, that I dont understand, that I never will, and honestly it's getting to be a bit tiring. I dont need a constant reminder that I don't know anything about his life for the next 11 months. I try explaining that to him and he lashes out and tells me I just have to accept it, I already have I just dont need to be reminded of it all the time.

    So basically what I'm asking is does it get better? Is this typical of a deployed SO, is the negativity a constant thing? Does the lashing out stop? Is it stress? Or is it something I should be worried about? I just dont want him to get stuck in a negative mind set but when I bring it up im trying to "change him".
    Help please??
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    #2
    Quote Originally Posted by ArmyGf524 View Post
    Is it just me or does deployment seem to bring out the worst in a relationship? I don't mean all the time because some days we are doing really good and then others we come to blows. I feel like whenever I try to point something out, to help my SO he flips out. But he is constantly pointing out things I'm doing wrong and what I can and cannot say or do. For instance last night we were talking and I had to go to bed early because I had a class at 8:30 in the morning, keeping in mind im the type of person who requires a lot of sleep so when I say go to bed early I should be goinng to bed at like 10:30pm but I stay up and talk to him for an extra few hours waiting for him to eat and finish PT in the mornings. So i apologized for needing to go to bed early and chimed in happily "we can skype tomorrow though " and his response is always the same "hopefully" or "we will see about that" or "if my schedule allows" It's been 3 months of non-happy non positive responses, I understand he is under a ton of stress but he claims to be hopeful and the way he talks lately is neither positive or hopeful. Everything is doubt-ridden and I tried last night to point that out and that he should be more positive and hopeful (only because I care and I know what a negative attitude can do to your mental state). Instead of taking my concern seriously he flips out at me starts yelling at me, to which i yelled back because I mean c'mon who can just sit there and get yelled at I'm not in the military I don't have tolerance for getting screamed at. He tells me the only one who needs to be positive is me. He says that I dont understand why he is negative and that I wont possibly ever understand or know and that I need to accept that. I'm sorry Im not the type of person who can just accept people to be negative especially people I care about. It is especially difficult to be positive and get negative feedback all the time. How does one remain positive when they are surrounded by negative? I'm trying really hard to be strong here but he has always been the more positive and upbeat one in the relationship and now it feels totally swapped. He constantly is reminding me of what I dont know, that I dont understand, that I never will, and honestly it's getting to be a bit tiring. I dont need a constant reminder that I don't know anything about his life for the next 11 months. I try explaining that to him and he lashes out and tells me I just have to accept it, I already have I just dont need to be reminded of it all the time.

    So basically what I'm asking is does it get better? Is this typical of a deployed SO, is the negativity a constant thing? Does the lashing out stop? Is it stress? Or is it something I should be worried about? I just dont want him to get stuck in a negative mind set but when I bring it up im trying to "change him".
    Help please??
    There's a lot to comment on here ... I'm going to try to just focus on what I think is the key point.

    You cannot affect change on anyone else. Your boyfriend is going to deal with deployment however he's going to deal with it and whether it's right or wrong you can't change it. You can do your best to communicate your needs in a civil, logical way. But ultimately you need to decide if this relationship is worth the crap he's dishing out to you. That's what it is ... crap. You shouldn't be yelled at for going to bed when you need to go to bed. You should never be threatened with whether or not you'll be able to talk to him. Deployment stinks and it will very often affect the person's mood. But that shouldn't turn him into a bad boyfriend.
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    #3
    Quote Originally Posted by EmilyPT View Post
    There's a lot to comment on here ... I'm going to try to just focus on what I think is the key point.

    You cannot affect change on anyone else. Your boyfriend is going to deal with deployment however he's going to deal with it and whether it's right or wrong you can't change it. You can do your best to communicate your needs in a civil, logical way. But ultimately you need to decide if this relationship is worth the crap he's dishing out to you. That's what it is ... crap. You shouldn't be yelled at for going to bed when you need to go to bed. You should never be threatened with whether or not you'll be able to talk to him. Deployment stinks and it will very often affect the person's mood. But that shouldn't turn him into a bad boyfriend.
    1000 times over!
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    Quote Originally Posted by ArmyGf524 View Post
    Is it just me or does deployment seem to bring out the worst in a relationship? I don't mean all the time because some days we are doing really good and then others we come to blows. I feel like whenever I try to point something out, to help my SO he flips out. But he is constantly pointing out things I'm doing wrong and what I can and cannot say or do. For instance last night we were talking and I had to go to bed early because I had a class at 8:30 in the morning, keeping in mind im the type of person who requires a lot of sleep so when I say go to bed early I should be goinng to bed at like 10:30pm but I stay up and talk to him for an extra few hours waiting for him to eat and finish PT in the mornings. So i apologized for needing to go to bed early and chimed in happily "we can skype tomorrow though " and his response is always the same "hopefully" or "we will see about that" or "if my schedule allows" It's been 3 months of non-happy non positive responses, I understand he is under a ton of stress but he claims to be hopeful and the way he talks lately is neither positive or hopeful. Everything is doubt-ridden and I tried last night to point that out and that he should be more positive and hopeful (only because I care and I know what a negative attitude can do to your mental state). Instead of taking my concern seriously he flips out at me starts yelling at me, to which i yelled back because I mean c'mon who can just sit there and get yelled at I'm not in the military I don't have tolerance for getting screamed at. He tells me the only one who needs to be positive is me. He says that I dont understand why he is negative and that I wont possibly ever understand or know and that I need to accept that. I'm sorry Im not the type of person who can just accept people to be negative especially people I care about. It is especially difficult to be positive and get negative feedback all the time. How does one remain positive when they are surrounded by negative? I'm trying really hard to be strong here but he has always been the more positive and upbeat one in the relationship and now it feels totally swapped. He constantly is reminding me of what I dont know, that I dont understand, that I never will, and honestly it's getting to be a bit tiring. I dont need a constant reminder that I don't know anything about his life for the next 11 months. I try explaining that to him and he lashes out and tells me I just have to accept it, I already have I just dont need to be reminded of it all the time.

    So basically what I'm asking is does it get better? Is this typical of a deployed SO, is the negativity a constant thing? Does the lashing out stop? Is it stress? Or is it something I should be worried about? I just dont want him to get stuck in a negative mind set but when I bring it up im trying to "change him".
    Help please??
    How is that a negative response? He can't promise that he'll be able to talk to you the next day. The best he can do is say that he will if he can. Why would he say "oh yeah of course!" when he has no clue? I would get really annoyed if someone was telling me that I needed to change my attitude because they didn't like my responses. I think you need to be a little more realistic with him and more understanding.

    As for not needing a constant reminder you don't know anything... you just have to, kind of get over that. You're not going to know. Half the time he doesn't even know what's going to happen the next day. As frustrating as it is, you have to just go with the flow. Be flexible.

    He's in a stressful environment, he's got a lot going on, the last thing he needs is his escape telling him what he needs to do and how he needs to change.

    Quote Originally Posted by EmilyPT View Post
    There's a lot to comment on here ... I'm going to try to just focus on what I think is the key point.

    You cannot affect change on anyone else. Your boyfriend is going to deal with deployment however he's going to deal with it and whether it's right or wrong you can't change it. You can do your best to communicate your needs in a civil, logical way. But ultimately you need to decide if this relationship is worth the crap he's dishing out to you. That's what it is ... crap. You shouldn't be yelled at for going to bed when you need to go to bed. You should never be threatened with whether or not you'll be able to talk to him. Deployment stinks and it will very often affect the person's mood. But that shouldn't turn him into a bad boyfriend.
    The bolded is NOT how I read that at all. He's not threatening her, he's being realistic. And the way she wrote it, he didn't yell at her for going to bed. He got frustrated because she's telling him his responses aren't good enough for her.


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    Okay let me be clear about something. He has in the past tried to make it a competition saying that he gets up early to talk to me and wont recognize the fact that every night I stay up till 1-1:30 am to talk to him more. He repsonds with "I think we both know waht we do in this relationship". Rude. Also I am in no way saying his responses arent good enough??? Im saying would it kill ya to be happy when we talk? Everything is negative all the time, and by me saying he should be more positive I'm trying to help him! I dont want to see him so down all the time! Yes I know nothing is set in stone but when he has been available to skype every single time I have asked it gets to be a bit repetitive. His schedule never not allows us to skype and he is always off duty around 5 his time. Which by the time im avialble to skype its like 8 his time. So when we ahve skyped as much as we have I figured maybe he would be a little more upbeat about it. I'm concerned and just want him to be happy, and positive and hopeful and when he talks like "we will see" "who knows" in like these sad toned responses it just kills me! I'm trying really hard and he says i need to be more supportive. How is trying to get someone to be more positive and a more hopeful outlook not being supportive? Am i supposed to just allow him to sulk in misery? That's not my style, i wont let the people I love be negative cause thats no way to go through life.
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    Quote Originally Posted by bdizzle View Post
    How is that a negative response? He can't promise that he'll be able to talk to you the next day. The best he can do is say that he will if he can. Why would he say "oh yeah of course!" when he has no clue? I would get really annoyed if someone was telling me that I needed to change my attitude because they didn't like my responses. I think you need to be a little more realistic with him and more understanding.

    As for not needing a constant reminder you don't know anything... you just have to, kind of get over that. You're not going to know. Half the time he doesn't even know what's going to happen the next day. As frustrating as it is, you have to just go with the flow. Be flexible.

    He's in a stressful environment, he's got a lot going on, the last thing he needs is his escape telling him what he needs to do and how he needs to change.



    The bolded is NOT how I read that at all. He's not threatening her, he's being realistic. And the way she wrote it, he didn't yell at her for going to bed. He got frustrated because she's telling him his responses aren't good enough for her.

    I think I read it differently. There's a difference between being realistic and threatening. In my relationship we're quite realistic with communication. I think it's the middle one - "we'll see about that" - that got me. He could say something like, "I'm hoping so! But my schedule isn't looking good. You know how it is!" Or "yeah, I would love that. Fingers crossed." Etc. etc. You know how tough it is to read tone! So I know for my husband and I, we try to minimize ability to read things in different tone. We try to make it pretty clear.

    Regardless of how he meant it, she interpreted it in a negative way. That's something else it would be to their benefit to discuss HOW to communicate appropriately. Without leaving things to the imagination.
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    You can't make someone be positive and happy. I don't know where he is. DH was in Afghanistan, and despite his best to be positive there were a lot of times when he just was not happy. He was stressed, pissed off at co-workers, tired, anxious, dirty, hot (or cold, since they got freakin' snow where he was this winter) on top of working literally ALL THE TIME. Instead of demanding he be happy or positive, I did my best to raise his spirits. I talked about home, funny things that happened, things our dogs did, whatever. I helped him forget where he was, even if just for that 10 minutes we talked.

    You can't make him be positive. And arguing with him to be positive is really just going to achieve the opposite.


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    Quote Originally Posted by ArmyGf524 View Post
    Okay let me be clear about something. He has in the past tried to make it a competition saying that he gets up early to talk to me and wont recognize the fact that every night I stay up till 1-1:30 am to talk to him more. He repsonds with "I think we both know waht we do in this relationship". Rude. Also I am in no way saying his responses arent good enough??? Im saying would it kill ya to be happy when we talk? Everything is negative all the time, and by me saying he should be more positive I'm trying to help him! I dont want to see him so down all the time! Yes I know nothing is set in stone but when he has been available to skype every single time I have asked it gets to be a bit repetitive. His schedule never not allows us to skype and he is always off duty around 5 his time. Which by the time im avialble to skype its like 8 his time. So when we ahve skyped as much as we have I figured maybe he would be a little more upbeat about it. I'm concerned and just want him to be happy, and positive and hopeful and when he talks like "we will see" "who knows" in like these sad toned responses it just kills me! I'm trying really hard and he says i need to be more supportive. How is trying to get someone to be more positive and a more hopeful outlook not being supportive? Am i supposed to just allow him to sulk in misery? That's not my style, i wont let the people I love be negative cause thats no way to go through life.
    Okay, this helps.

    Sounds like your boyfriend is struggling. Which was clear before. And I'll reiterate, you can't make deployment easy on him. You can't make him a positive, upbeat, shoot rainbows out his ass guy (on deployment or home). I think if you work on letting go of your inability to 'fix' him, that may reduce a lot of your stress AND his.
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    Quote Originally Posted by EmilyPT View Post
    Okay, this helps.

    Sounds like your boyfriend is struggling. Which was clear before. And I'll reiterate, you can't make deployment easy on him. You can't make him a positive, upbeat, shoot rainbows out his ass guy (on deployment or home). I think if you work on letting go of your inability to 'fix' him, that may reduce a lot of your stress AND his.
    I agree!

    And you're right, tone is hard to read over the internet We read it two totally different ways. I think I'm inclined to give her BF benefit of the doubt since mine just came home from that situation.


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    Quote Originally Posted by EmilyPT View Post
    I think I read it differently. There's a difference between being realistic and threatening. In my relationship we're quite realistic with communication. I think it's the middle one - "we'll see about that" - that got me. He could say something like, "I'm hoping so! But my schedule isn't looking good. You know how it is!" Or "yeah, I would love that. Fingers crossed." Etc. etc. You know how tough it is to read tone! So I know for my husband and I, we try to minimize ability to read things in different tone. We try to make it pretty clear.

    Regardless of how he meant it, she interpreted it in a negative way. That's something else it would be to their benefit to discuss HOW to communicate appropriately. Without leaving things to the imagination.

    That's exactly what I mean, and I offered those types of suggestions last night when we talked and it just made him more mad and sulky than before. I do my best to be positive around him but lately its just really hard when most of what im getting back is negative. This is the first time I have suggested he try and be more positive. It has been this way since January and it hasnt really improved. I try being happy and positive for him and try and get his mind off of things, such as suggesting we skype the next day to bring up his spirits and the way he responds is never like "oh that would be great " "i really hope we can" etc etc its "hopefully lol." or "we will see" just comments like that all the time and him constantly reminding me he could be busy. It's like at this point when I ask to skype i mean like lets skype if youre sched allows it" like its implied. and I have told him that and idk things just dont improve. I guess i can't make someone be positive but its really hard to be positive for someone else when its constantly answered with negativity.
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