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Thread: Ignored Online

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    #1

    Ignored Online

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    Sometimes while reading through the posts and questions that other military spouses post, I feel I may be the only one having the problems I am. Or maybe it's just that I'm turning a molehill into a mountain. My DH and I usually have an amazingly good marriage, like we were simply lucky to find each other. During this deployment though, I'm feeling a giant distance building between us that I'm not sure what to do about. The silly part of all of this is that I blame Facebook for how I'm feeling. Really silly right? For instance, this morning, while I was getting ready for the day I know each of my kids talked with him on the FB messenger so he was definitely online. Then in my news feed popped up the information that he had just added a friend as I sat down at the computer. When I messaged him however, no reply, didn't even read it. I wish I could say this was the first time, but it's definitely not. I'm sure he doesn't realize that while sitting at home, those messages mean the world to me (they are after all how I'm able to calm any and all fears about his well-being and comfort) and that it actually hurts me to feel ignored in such a silly way.

    Then I see everyone talking about their skype calls, etc and all I can think of is that we set up everything I could find like that before he left, and I haven't been able to talk him into using them even once. I keep wondering if maybe i'm just being irrational, or if maybe the internet is just making things worse for me. I wish I had the guts to just give up FB as a whole so I wouldn't feel so ignored all the time when I know he's online, or at least so I wouldn't have to read his reply about how he had no internet when he was messaging my kids.

    I guess I was just wondering if maybe there is anyone else out there that has had anything similar, or maybe everyone else is just a bit luckier than I am after all. I'm not sure I can keep up with the stress over the silly on top of the temporary-single-parent life so I would appreciate any attempts at advice or even sympathy at this point.
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    #2
    Idk what to tell you. I know that when I see DF online, I've an urge to talk to him, always. But I remind myself that he is busy at work, & when he wants to talk to me, he'd talk. I also avoid looking at facebook when it shows that he is online. In my experience, when it shows that he is online, he may not actually be online. His Internet is weird. Also, when it pops up that a friend has been added, it could be that person accepting your DH as a friend. Perhaps you can talk to him about communication wishes? I know that DF & I agreed before he left that he'd contact me as much as possible when it is convenient for him, & I'd write him a minimum of a letter/week.
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    #3
    Quote Originally Posted by belovedreamery View Post
    Idk what to tell you. I know that when I see DF online, I've an urge to talk to him, always. But I remind myself that he is busy at work, & when he wants to talk to me, he'd talk. I also avoid looking at facebook when it shows that he is online. In my experience, when it shows that he is online, he may not actually be online. His Internet is weird. Also, when it pops up that a friend has been added, it could be that person accepting your DH as a friend. Perhaps you can talk to him about communication wishes? I know that DF & I agreed before he left that he'd contact me as much as possible when it is convenient for him, & I'd write him a minimum of a letter/week.

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    #4
    Quote Originally Posted by ccann3 View Post
    Sometimes while reading through the posts and questions that other military spouses post, I feel I may be the only one having the problems I am. Or maybe it's just that I'm turning a molehill into a mountain. My DH and I usually have an amazingly good marriage, like we were simply lucky to find each other. During this deployment though, I'm feeling a giant distance building between us that I'm not sure what to do about. The silly part of all of this is that I blame Facebook for how I'm feeling. Really silly right? For instance, this morning, while I was getting ready for the day I know each of my kids talked with him on the FB messenger so he was definitely online. Then in my news feed popped up the information that he had just added a friend as I sat down at the computer. When I messaged him however, no reply, didn't even read it. I wish I could say this was the first time, but it's definitely not. I'm sure he doesn't realize that while sitting at home, those messages mean the world to me (they are after all how I'm able to calm any and all fears about his well-being and comfort) and that it actually hurts me to feel ignored in such a silly way.

    Then I see everyone talking about their skype calls, etc and all I can think of is that we set up everything I could find like that before he left, and I haven't been able to talk him into using them even once. I keep wondering if maybe i'm just being irrational, or if maybe the internet is just making things worse for me. I wish I had the guts to just give up FB as a whole so I wouldn't feel so ignored all the time when I know he's online, or at least so I wouldn't have to read his reply about how he had no internet when he was messaging my kids.

    I guess I was just wondering if maybe there is anyone else out there that has had anything similar, or maybe everyone else is just a bit luckier than I am after all. I'm not sure I can keep up with the stress over the silly on top of the temporary-single-parent life so I would appreciate any attempts at advice or even sympathy at this point.
    Since he is messaging with the kids, I don't think the "not really online" bit washes out - it may explain some of the times you have seen him online and heard nothing, but not all of them. Have you told him how you are feeling and/or asked him about it from his side of things?
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    #5
    hugs, DH says I am on line a lot more than I am. but I do not think FB is in exact real time.
    but I would suggest talking to him about it --especially because he found time to talk to the kids but not to you, I would be a little pissed off too.
  6. 1/2 hippie, 1/2 diva... all Jersey
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    #6
    Something I had to get used to (this was with a DB --the one I first joined the site for) was that sometimes when he was online, he wanted to browse or mindlessly surf the web. He did not necessarily want talk to me-- and that was okay. I don't always feel like talking to people. Sometimes I just need to tune out. And so did he. Several times we would both be online, and he wouldn't talk to me. If he didn't talk to me... oh well. That's not to say it didn't completely suck, I just decided to accept it.

    Keep in mind that this particular DB had internet access damn near 24/7 because of the base he was at. We could've talked several times a week, if not everyday... and we usually did talk about 2x per week. I think I wouldn't have accepted it quite so gracefully with DH, as he rarely had internet access.

    Either way, I would definitely let him know that you miss him and miss talking to him. You might even consider letting him know that you feel as if the emotional distance between you two is widening for some reason. Maybe there's something going on?

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  7. Quis custodiet ipsos custodes?
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    #7
    The Skype thing wouldn't really concern me too much ... when DH deployed we never got to use Skype (well we used it once, but it didn't really work) because the Internet was too slow for it. Some people can use it and it works great and for some it doesn't, just depends on what kind of connection they have.

    If you think he is lying about being online though, that to me is a big deal. It's one thing if he is online but doesn't want to talk (which I do agree is ok, but there needs to be communication about expectations for these kinds of situations), but he needs to be honest about it. Maybe he was talking to a friend and didn't see your message, maybe he saw it and didn't want to talk, whatever happened I would not be ok with him lying about it.
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    #8
    If it makes you feel better, I only talked/messaged DH about a half dozen times during his entire last deployment. He was online more than that, but with the slowness of internet and short amount of time online, sometimes he would only message or chat with other people. When he came home from deployment, he told me that there were a lot of stressful days and talking to me would make him more homesick and emotional. Sometimes he needed to talk with other people that he wasn't as close to. Yes, it was hard, but I completely understood that. Just be patient, and I am sure everything is fine.
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    #9
    Ask him about it. Be up front about it and don't make him guess what you are thinking and wanting, but also don't make it sound like an accusation. Tell him you've noticed he messages the kids but that he isn't messaging you and you are struggling that and wondering if there is anything he wants to talk about. If not, let him know that while you understand his time is limited, it would really help you if he made the effort to contact you a little more often, even if it's just a quick FB message or something like that.

    I know you say your relationship is super wonderful, but IME, people don't worry about little stuff like this unless there is a tiny seed of doubt. That's something you may want to spend a little time thinking on.
    Science always wins over bullshit. ~Dick Rutkowski
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    #10
    I think fb takes about 10m to show you aren't online anymore. That could be part of it.
    We're almost done with deployment and we've never skyped and I haven't gotten any calls. His mom has only gotten a couple calls.
    I sent him stuff to make him laugh, even when I knew he wouldn't respond to any of it, just so he'd have a second to laugh. He seems to have appreciated it.
    I could be wrong, but depending on the age of the kids, he could want them to know he's ok. You know because he's talking to them. Maybe it's a reassurance thing for them? (just a guess)
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