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Thread: How do you become more independent during deployments?

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    #1

    How do you become more independent during deployments?

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    My DB is getting really annoyed by how much I rely on our relationship. I'm at college full time (it's my senior year), student teaching a few days a week, and waitressing full time, but I still feel his absence so much. I really need to find a way to become more independent, because my DB just doesn't understand how I can be so clingy.

    I am desperate for advice. It's so hard having my best friend gone (my DB), and I don't know what I'm supposed to do without him...
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    #2
    What do you guys mean by clingy and so dependent on your relationship? It sounds like you're pretty busy so it's hard for me to pipicture how you have time to be super clingy with all the other stuff you've got going on.
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    #3
    Quote Originally Posted by BlueButterfly505 View Post
    What do you guys mean by clingy and so dependent on your relationship? It sounds like you're pretty busy so it's hard for me to pipicture how you have time to be super clingy with all the other stuff you've got going on.
    That is what I was thinking. With everything you are involved in, it sounds like you would be pretty busy!
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    #4
    What are you talking about when you communicate with him? I think they can feel a LOT of pressure when they're away, and if he's hearing about you being sad/lonely/etc. it could be that he is taking on a lot of pressure and guilt from that. DH told me he felt that way when he was gone, I got pretty sick and some stuff happened and it tore him apart not being able to help.

    It's definitely great that you're busy and you have a lot going on so don't be afraid to tell him about that! Hearing about you being happy, active, and productive will ease his heart and lift his spirits. I know sometimes it can feel odd to tell him about how happy you are when he's in a hard situation, but I really think it does them a lot of good.
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    #5
    By clingy I mean trying to talk to him daily. And I do try to tell him about the exciting stuff that's happening here, but he always seems like he doesn't have time for it, and if I ask him about his day, he doesn't want to talk about it, so we end up sitting in silence on the phone for ten minutes. Some days he's awesome and wants to tell me about everything and wants to hear about my life, and other days he's a whole different person. And he won't talk to me about what's going on, so I literally have no way of knowing why he's acting like this.

    I've asked him if he wants to break up, and he assures me that he doesn't, but I feel like I'm being shut out completely and it sucks. I'm literally climbing the walls trying to figure out what he needs from me, but I feel like everything I do is wrong.
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    #6
    Quote Originally Posted by eustisgf View Post
    By clingy I mean trying to talk to him daily. And I do try to tell him about the exciting stuff that's happening here, but he always seems like he doesn't have time for it, and if I ask him about his day, he doesn't want to talk about it, so we end up sitting in silence on the phone for ten minutes. Some days he's awesome and wants to tell me about everything and wants to hear about my life, and other days he's a whole different person. And he won't talk to me about what's going on, so I literally have no way of knowing why he's acting like this.

    I've asked him if he wants to break up, and he assures me that he doesn't, but I feel like I'm being shut out completely and it sucks. I'm literally climbing the walls trying to figure out what he needs from me, but I feel like everything I do is wrong.
    Honestly from these two paragraphs I can see where he's coming from. He's deployed, and talking DAILY is extremely difficult. My ex and I talked daily unless he was on missions or river city, buy that is EXTREMELY rare. And if you insist on daily phone calls and possibly freaking when you don't get them, it will stress him out. And then you freak out and ask him if he wants to break up? Why? Because he is deployed and can't call daily and doesn't want to/can't talk in detail about his day? Don't ask, if he wants to tell you, he will.
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    #7
    I do agree that daily communication can be a LOT to ask of them. There were days when DH could have called me and he said he didn't because he was soooo exhausted and he really needed rest. They were working 12 hour shifts and he would get a day off maybe once every three weeks, if he was lucky. Everyone's different but I think that daily communication can be an extreme expectation for a deployment.

    Also you have to keep in mind that it very may well be that he can't talk to you about some things that may be bothering him, not that he won't. There are things that for security reasons they cannot discuss.

    One thing I tried to do for DH was to always find out interesting things to talk to him about, because the times that we did get to talk it was like a little escape for him. I kept up with his sports teams, movies he would be interested in, TV series and book series he was into, news stories that I knew would appeal to him, etc. That also kind of took the pressure off of me to try to pull stuff from my work day and my life to fill up a phone conversation.



    Have you asked him what he needs from you?
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    #8
    We talk daily or nearly daily while DH is deployed/gone if possible. I don't think that's clingy and it works for us. I find it easier to deal with days we can't talk if I know about it in advance; it isn't as hard for me to miss a day if I'm expecting it as opposed to it coming as a surprise.

    But it doesn't sound like it's working for your guy. Maybe you guys could come up with a compromise like every other day. You might find the non communication days easier if you know they're coming plus there would be more things to talk about if you talk less frequently.

    I also write out a list of things through the day of things I want to remember to talk to him about. Too many times my mind has gone blank once I got him on the phone. When we'd run out of things to talk about skyping, we'd play games or do our own internet thing as we just wanted to spend time/be together.
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    #9
    Maybe start a diary. You can write down all those thoughts and feelings, instead of feeling like it all has to be focused on him. Do you have friends? Go out with them. Call them. Tell them about your day. If you need to vent to someone else, it doesn't always have to be your DB.

    Also, and I think this is key, it can't just be something you do when he's gone. That doesn't work. You can't turn on and off the dependence, and even if you could, it isn't healthy (for your relationship or you) to have that level of dependence on him even when he is home and available. So you have to nurture the independence so that it is always there, and then it becomes something you have which can be used to help when he's away (or just busy), not something to try to get up and running only when you need it.

    He's allowed to not want to talk, and he doesn't owe you an explanation for that. Respect it. Give him a chance ("Are you sure there's nothing on your mind?") and then move on. If the phone goes silent, end the call.
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    #10
    It sounds like you want the daily interaction but he does not. You have to find a happy medium. I have to admit, I'd rather not talk to my husband than sit in silence for 10 mins. Have a conversation with him about what he wants, or expects. If he only wants a few days of talking on phone, then you may have to learn to deal with that (I know that sounds harsh). Maybe you can do daily emails instead of daily phone calls. That way, if he can't get to his email for a few days, he can catch up all at once, then give you a call.

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